2015 Billboard Awards Exegesis

Taylor Swift must die

God what a cultural wasteland. The Billboard Music Awards was one long Disney ad, disguised as a tribute to popular musical artists, with the word ‘artist’ meaning in this case ‘no-talent little shit.’

Sheer torture throughout. it was nothing short of a call to arms: Taylor Swift Must Die.

It was all about Taylor Swift, either Tayloring up the place with her sickening speeches to her fans (“You guys! I’m obsessed with you!”) or just grooving in the front row to whatever awful music was murdering our souls from the stage. She is one awful girl. She’s the girl we all hated in junior high, still pretending to be nice while making life miserable for anyone who crosses her.

There was Kanye, reminding us of his genius at getting bleeped out on live TV. I read that he said the word ‘nigger’ forty-one times. If he could just chant it the whole time, we wouldn’t have to hear anything! Think it over, Yezy.

Nicki Minaj livened things up with some solid twerking, and domestic-abuser Chris Brown danced around in a florescent blood-red suit. He danced with Pitbull, that bald guy who nobody can figure out why he’s famous.

Some awful country band sang about having a ‘girl-crush’. I’m sorry, I can’t even talk about it. Let’s see, what else. OH! Ed Sheeran was surprisingly inoffensive. I don’t like that elf look of his but at least he plays an instrument.

One Direction was there but we didn’t know if one guy was missing because we didn’t know how many there are supposed to be. It seemed like there were three or four too many.

Iggy Azalea and Britney Spears did a lip-syncing number that both seemed bored by, and Iggy betrayed me personally by getting a new nose and chin, nullifying her claim to originality. She’s dead to me now.

Some kind of fake Sam Smith person played a song with Wiz Kalifa. Much less perturbing than the real Sam Smith, who, mercifully, is recovering from throat surgery.

Chrissy Teigen was an embarrassing co-host to Ludacris, who is a pretty decent actor if nothing else. Chrissy is married to John Legend, so one assumes she must have hidden depths of some kind. However, the two men present for this viewing agreed that she was a “mean and stupid Filipino girl.’ They said this was a lot of authority, too.

That long-haired Hozier guy took us to Church, and rated a pass from all of us just for seeming like a real singer and bringing a little Goth melancholy to the situation.

There was one moment that offered a glimmer of hope: When two Kardashian girls came out to introduce Kanye, the audience booed. For just an instant, the audience acted like they had standards of some sort.

But then, no. It was Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, all the way home.

This entry was posted in Celebrities, News, Rants and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to 2015 Billboard Awards Exegesis

  1. Sisty says:

    I never actually watch these award shows. I just wait for your exegeezies. xo

  2. Kate says:

    Thank you for writing this blog. This is my funny and smart place.

  3. Dj says:

    What is she wearing, or should I say, what is wearing her? She’s made all her money off 11 and 12 year old girls, shame….

  4. deb says:

    I am hoping Taylor has now peaked and we will get a break. Having said that, quite liked the outfit.

  5. Marky says:

    You do the work so I don’t have to! Thank you.

  6. Andra says:

    Every time I read one of your pieces I think how lucky I am that I don’t actually know who any of these people are.
    I aim to keep it that way.

  7. emily says:

    You are the funniest person to me. Thank you for your humor and talent. I was just having a conversation about the state of music today after learning of BB King’s death. Such a talent and huge influence. So humble. Who if anyone besides the auto tuners and twerkers are around today to influence future musicians? Just so sad. These idiots. Makes me want to smash things.

  8. Madam restora says:

    There are still great, talented musicians around, they just aren’t on commercial radio anymore. It takes a little effort to find them, but they are there and worth searching for.

  9. Debbie says:

    I’m with Emily. You CANNOT COMPARE music from the 1970’s to the shit today.

  10. Suspended says:

    I’m with Madam Restora, there is GREAT music out there, just look. I find myself with an endless amount of great stuff to listen to and not just because I have a really wide range of styles I like.

    Gone are the days of relying on radio and charts to introduce you to good music…that has always been for the kids anyway.

    Saying “music isn’t as good today” just means you didn’t evolve or even stay interested.

  11. emily says:

    I don’t know about all that, suspended. I appreciate raw and true talent, not corporate manufactured talent. I see a distinct difference. I’m loving the Alabama shakes whose influences include musicians from the 60s and 70s. That is just one example of many. I don’t think you can argue that the musical acts highlighted in this blog piece permeate through popular culture whereas the acts worthy of listening to do not – such as many opening acts and fillers at all of these music fests throughout the country . That’s why you have to hunt for them. That’s why the level of Fandom and adoration of the twerkers and auto tuners annoys me. The heart and soul is missing, the art is gone.

  12. Suspended says:

    There has always been shit music, Emily, and there has been manufactured crap since pop music’s inception. The difference between that and real music has always been clear. I see it as something for the kids. They jump about, it makes them happy, they get a little older and are embarrassed by their previous choices. I can’t see the harm.

    I’d rather cut off my balls than listen to Taylor Swift, Lana Del Ray, Kanye, Minaj, Cyrus, et al, but their presence is unavoidable, and embarrassing. Do I feel they have cultural impact, well, no, but I’m not in the demographic. They permeate youth culture the same way Madonna did in the 80’s…my parents hated Madonna and her manufactured music…did she not become a relevant part of popular culture?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *