Fuck!

Just like you, I’m filled with dread about everything but it would be wrong to overlook these boots. I mean, Jesus Christ. They are Hawaiian Printed Ankle Half Cowboy Boots!

How can this even be?! Only R13 could have come up with this, and then ask for $1,895! Here are the listed details:

Leather: Cowhide
Studded harness detail
Boots
Chunky heel
Buckle at ankle
Pointed toe
Leather sole
Made in Italy
This item cannot be gift-boxed

“Cannot be gift-boxed” for $1,895??? I don’t think so.

And how could they forget to list SPIKES for fucksake?

If any footwear deserved to die, it is these boots. I mean half boots.

These jeans are so spectacularly awful and egregious that I consider them a true game-changer.

They raise the awfulness-bar to a level I don’t expect to see exceeded in my lifetime.

They are beyond idiotic, beyond revolting, and just stupefying in every respect.

Should I order them, take some photos, and send them back?? Before you answer, check out the rear view:

Hahaha!  The designers at R13 are insane!

Here’s the Shopbop description.

An overlay with raw edges completely covers these destroyed R13 jeans, lending an avant-garde touch to the silhouette. 5-pocket styling. Single-button closure and zip fly.

An avant-garde touch, eh?

Imagine showing up anywhere in this atrocity. It might be worth the $795 just to see the fear in people’s eyes…and yet no.

I was absolutely thrilled when I first saw this little Handbag Raincoat at Shopbop. It’s such an obvious solution to the problem of shielding your nice handbag from the rain! Why didn’t anyone come up with this sooner??

Think of all the times you tried to stuff your handbag inside your jacket when it suddenly started to rain.

When my rose-colored Chanel bag was new (and I’m talking to you David Duff) I worried about the slightest drizzle and I wiped the bag immediately to make sure it was dry. Now that it’s beat-up from years of service, I don’t worry too much about rain.

But what if you have a suede bag, for fucksake! Your bag deserves a raincoat.

It even comes with its own cute little pouch.

So imagine how disappointed I was when I went back to consider buying one, only to see this review:

A piece of junk that is nothing but an inconvenience?!

Ugh, you’d have to be pretty stupid to buy one now. Unless the reviewer, “ashsmith,” is just some crazy troll determined to dash my hopes and dreams.

Meanwhile, I’ve been wasting hours looking at expensive designer bags, conflicted about the whole handbag thing, knowing as I do that the nicest handbag won’t help anything. But still.

Does anyone out there still give a shit about handbags? I’d like to hear your thoughts. (But not yours, David Duff.)

When I was curating Douches for both money and personal pleasure, people would ask me if there was a girl counterpart: a Douchette.

It has taken me this long to come across a perfect representation of a Douchette. Leave it to Shopbop to produce this prototype.

If only she had a fringed handbag, she’d be close to a perfect ten.

I hate her, but I love her. I’ll bet she never ever puts down her iPhone, ever. And she loves Haim.

“Layered stitching lends a repaired look to these slim, two-tone skinny pants from 3.1 Phillip Lim, while tied sleeves and a sweater overlay add a clever element.”

Got that? These pants have a sweater SEWN ON to them! You can’t take it off if you get cold. It’s just there to add a clever element.

$595 at shopbop.

J Brand has started naming its pieces after famous people, offering an “Angelina Jumpsuit” and a “Halle Top.” But I’m only interested in the Bergman Leather Shorts.

Obviously, these shorts are problematic. The length is awful and who wants to spend $575 for a cheap-looking elastic waistband?

I just wish I knew which Bergman J Brand has in mind!

Ingmar Bergman? I can sort of imagine Death wearing leather shorts.

Or Ingrid Bergman? Why pick on her? She always dressed so beautifully!

What is your guess?

One of my few pleasures in life has been cruelly eradicated by the fuckers at Shopbop. They have completely changed their format, replacing our favorite models with a bunch of Nobodies and removing the boxes that separated the images.

Where is Starving Girl and Sad Redhead Girl?!? There are a few token picture of Goony Bird, but they have airbrushed her distinctive tummy deformity and you can see that her heart just isn’t in it.

This is a real slap in the face after all my devotion.  Aside from the matter of my personal distress, I think this is a terrible business decision. They have broken the unique bond between viewer and model that made shopbop such a joy.  There is no one to connect with now, no subtext, and god knows the merchandise is awful on its own.

Fuckers! Idiots! I was so mad that I started a petition on change.org but decided that perhaps it’s not a human rights issue after all. It’s more of a consumer betrayal, I guess.

Can anyone suggest a shopping website offering a perverse joy on the level of the sadly departed original Shopbop?

Okay, fine, at first glance they’re ugly but wait for the description:

“A softly pleated waistband flows into an effortless, wide-leg silhouette on these denim culottes.”

We’ve all come to associate “effortless” with “chic,” so maybe our brains are supposed to transpose what our eyes register as “dowdy” into “chic.”

How do the people at Shopbop know that the flow is effortless? Maybe it’s strenuous, or even harrowing?

Help finish the sentence:  “These wide leg coulottes would look great with ______.”

Rag and Bone Moto Pants with Removable Kilt,   $695 at shopbop*

“It’s called ‘moto’ because _________________.”

~

*Only 2 let!

These metallic pants would look great with ________________.

Sass & Bide, $561 at shopbop.