After Kellyanne Conway flashed members of the Black Caucus in the Oval Office, it became clear that only Sharon Stone is qualified to portray her in the movie.

The movie will actually be a 6 episode series on Netflix, with Pee Wee Herman as Reince Priebus and Ellen DeGeneris as Mike Pence. Paris Hilton will co-star as Ivanka, with Adam Levine as Jared “but he’s Jewish!” Kushner.

Lyle Lovett will play Paul Ryan, with the great Orson Wells as Steve Bannon. I know Orson Wells is dead, okay, I’m not an idiot. I’m just saying, dig him up, brush him off just a tiny bit, and voila, a rotting Bannon!

Mickey Rourke stars as The Donald, and has agreed to put on 300 pounds for the role. In her first dramatic role, Caitlyn Jenner will play Melania “not a hooker” Trump.

Racist liar Jeff Sessions has not been cast yet, and all I  can think of when I see his face is the Gerber Baby.

Can you help cast Sessions and the rest of these fuckers, I mean characters?

Thanks!

Okay, this is a complicated story and I’m pretty stoned. But stick with me.

There’s a model/actress named Emily Something who is mostly known for her large breasts. I almost wrote “big tits” but stopped myself. Anyway, she was at some celebrity event where she was seated next to a New York Times reporter.

The reporter made a comment about Melania Trump, referring to her as a “hooker.”

So the Emily girl goes to Twitter and scolds the reporter for the sexist comment, tweeting:

Sat next to a journalist from the NYT last night who told me ‘Melania is a hooker.’ Whatever your politics it’s crucial to call this out for what it is: slut shaming. I don’t care about her nudes or sexual history and no one should.

followed by

Gender specific attacks are disgusting sexist bullshit.

(sniff.)

Melania Trump heard about Emily defending her, and used her FLOTUS account to tweet her thanks:

Applause to all women around the world who speak up, stand up and support other women! @emrata #PowerOfEveryWoman #PowerOfTheFirstLady

Wow, Melania is woman, hear her roar!

Then, Emily retweets a person who also defends Melania’s honor with the following lecture:

and Emily adds, “Bravo!”

Okay. So, on the one hand, Emily is all “How dare you call Melania a hooker!” and on the other hand, salutes the notion that being a hooker is a personal, valid choice. I don’t think we can trust this Emily.

Emily has those large breasts and she will get them out at the drop of a hat. She writes essays about how she and Kim Kardashian are being feminist when they show their huge tits, I mean bosoms. Emily wants to get your attention and then scold you while lording it over you. Her tits are everywhere. I don’t know how we could possibly satisfy her need to get them out. Maybe she could become a wet nurse. It’s a valid choice!

Meanwhile, Emily is threatening to sue a photographer who took a million nude pictures of her five years ago before she knew she was going to be a feminist. So she’s really mad. She doesn’t look mad in the photos but that was then.

Leaving Emily’s tits for just a moment, if we may, and getting back to the poor reporter, he has apologized profusely for his unseemly comment, and The New York Times has issued an apology for him as well.

The reporter happens to be the son of Carl Bernstein, one of the two guys who broke the Watergate story.

To sum up, we have a validly slutty model/actress who shamed a reporter for suggesting that the First Lady is a hooker even though Bravo for Hookers; and The New York Times has to apologize, even though the Washington Post didn’t have to apologize when his dad broke the Watergate story.

Or: Tits + Hooker – Sex Worker + Twitter x Shaming -Reporters = FLOTUS -Watergate.

Thoughts or explanations?

Poor Melania. Don’t assume she’s a whore just because she’s whore-ish!

It’s not that she cares about her reputation, though; it’s the money. SHOW HER THE MONEY!

The new case, filed on Monday, states that Mrs. Trump:

had the unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, as an extremely famous and well-known person, as well as a former professional model, brand spokesperson and successful businesswoman, to launch a broad-based commercial brand in multiple product categories, each of which could have garnered multimillion-dollar business relationships for a multi-year term during which Plaintiff is one of the most photographed women in the world.

The products categories could have included apparel, accessories, jewelry, cosmetics, hair care and fragrance, among others.

Christ, why stop there? What about Melania dolls and dream-houses? What about Melania Schools of Nude Modeling? Or Melania Waxing Spas and Melania diction courses?

But wait.

Melania’s lawyer, Charles Harder, and a White House spokeswoman – in identically worded statements – both denied that Melania intends to profit while in her current position. This despite language used in the suit to imply she would be reaping millions in endorsement money while her husband is in office.

The first lady has no intention of using her position for profit and will not do so. Any statements to the contrary are being misinterpreted.

What? Make up your minds, you lying liars!

Those of you who were starting to feel sorry for Melania, viewing her as an unwilling captive in a bad marriage, wise up. Naturally, we are upset that any woman has to submit to that grotesque, reprehensible cunt.

But she’s an adult white woman with lawyers, and while she is no rocket surgeon, she can obviously recognize a front door.

Don’t cry for Melania. Save your tears for immigrants, American school children, the environment, healthcare, and the billions of pussies who don’t want to be grabbed or even photographed for the prurient interest of elderly wankers like her husband.

I’m siding with the Daily Mail, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity since in all other circumstances I despise them.

You?

I sink I need help.

I come to America to marry rich businessman, not to be chudged every minute by the crooked press and my hussband enemies.

I hate dis song “My Way” but Donald he don’t care. I tell him maybe Sid Vicious version but he von’t listen.

He get Ivanka to choose dress for me and look, a big roll of toilet paper across my breasts! She also give me underpants not spanx and you can see butt-cheeks! So embarrassment. Ivanka you little whore, I will heet you TEN TIMES HARDER.

Ivanka should have to dance with her papa, let her smell hees breath and the crap on hees hair. Let her keep face still when he sing words in ear and try to step on foot.

Whole event make me miss Slovenia for first time. Back with friends and beauty contests and time for my language studies! Now it’s all Donald Donald Donald and Where is Barron.

My poor little Barron, how I can protect heem I don’t know. He chust want to play peek-a-boo and count his fingers all day. Now he start wetting bed again unless that is Donald, no way to tell.

I bring Michelle Obama present from Tiffany and she look like she never see blue box in whole life! The blacks maybe don’t allowed in Tiffany? But I show I am gracious First Lady, that ees all.

I hope they make up separate bed for me and Barron tonight. Then I vill know who peed.