Shit. I need to move on, but how?!?!

I really think I was making progress getting over her until I read this quote:

“I want to be able to help also Americans to know that they can trust their media.”

WHAT IS THAT “ALSO” DOING THERE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?! It’s fucking maddening. Can’t someone sever her vocal cords?

Neiman Marcus is having a special two day sale, but it’s dead to me now, as Tony Soprano would say. I know that’s a good thing, but still. I’d like to hate Neiman Marcus on its own merits.

I do plan to write about fashion here, but only in a complaining way. I’m mad, remember? There are already enough fashion bloggers out there, but I still haven’t met anyone as mad as I am. Today I’m mad at my OTHER next door neighbor, who I’ll call Steven because that’s his name. Steven is divorcing his nice hard-working wife and he’s taking her to court to get spousal support, so he can keep flying to New York all the time, pretending he’s not gay.

Also too, I’m really really mad at that horrible crazy Russian Lady (who famously got all up in my grill) because get this: In her boring and pointless blog, she is comparing Obama’s forthcoming presidency to the reign of Josef Stalin. You heard me. Stalin. And yet, I can’t have her deported or sent to the cornfield!

Okay, that’s it for now. Any ideas on how to overcome my PDS, please advise! Or just go here and scream out loud.

It’s November 2, and Mrs. Palin has failed to produce her medical records.   “We’ll let you know when we have something to say,” Palin spokeswoman Maria Comella said on Thursday. On Saturday, Comella had no comment when asked about it by ABC reporter Kate Snow.

Here are the top five reasons mentioned by bloggers who wonder what the records are hiding:

1) She had a tubal ligation procedure after 4th child
2) She has only given birth to four children
3) She has had an abortion
4) She has had plastic surgery
5) She has had an STD

But wait! WHAT IF MRS. PALIN IS REALLY A MAN!

Think about it. Loves to hunt and kill animals. Dresses like a drag queen (sorry, drag queens, I’m talking about a really style-challenged white-trash drag queen!) No maternal instincts. No breastfeeding. Overly aggressive. Lives with a submissive hunk.

Godammit dot com, that bitch is a fucking man. No wonder she can’t release those records! And no wonder so many men feel inexplicably drawn to her…..

PAP Smear members, what do we think?

We are very near the end of a long, excruciating road. We’ve laughed and cried together. Soon, we’ll know whether some of us have to move to Canada or Iceland. We may never know the meaning of life, but we know without a doubt that Trig isn’t Mrs. P’s baby. And also too, we will never be able to think about Valentino without cringing a little.

If not, then how does she keep finding ways to be stupid? She is an unholy fountain of stupidity, a geyser of idiotic lies that won’t be stopped by nature, science or Grandpa McCain himself.

In her speech about special needs, she flouts science and makes what Newsweek reporter Richard Wolfe calls “The most mindless, ignorant, uninformed comment we’ve seen from Governor Palin so far.”

Whoa! That’s pretty fucking stupid! In Palin’s speech, she mocked research on fruit flies and said that money could be spent on autism research. In fact, fruit fly research has been instrumental in helping improve our understanding of autism. Watch her speech here, watch Richard Wolfe here, and read a fantastic rant about her here. The rant begins like this:

“This idiot woman, this blind, shortsighted ignoramus, this pretentious clod, mocks basic research and the international research community.”

How did I forget to call Mrs. Palin a pretentious clod?! Please accept my apology for being a slacker in the insult department. It won’t happen again, I promise.

In other news, Mrs. P says she won’t be wearin’ any more of those expensive elitist clothes for the rest of the campaign. She appeared in North Carolina, wearin’ her own jeans, and earlier she spoke in Tampa, wearin’ her own trashy jacket, showin’ off her crappy earrings, boastin’ about how frugal she is in Real Life. She’s even droppin’ her personal pronouns; “Happy to wear it,” she said of her $35 wedding ring.

Happy she’s happy. Even happier to read that she can’t accept any lucrative TV offers while serving as Alaska’s governor! It’s not like she would break the law or anything. Maybe she’ll decide to resign, in order to star in her own reality show.   Hopin’ she’ll drop dead before that happens.

Now, to add to Piper’s spinning head, there seems to be new Trig.   This is not the Trig Mrs. P paraded around at the RNC.

Did she swap Trig for this new model to distract us from Piper’s spinning head? To tell you the truth, I don’t know what this bitch is up to, after reading an extensive expose of her affiliation with a super-crazy element of Christian extremism called the   New Apostolic Reformation theology.   An arm of this movement is the Spiritual Warfare network, and let’s just say it’s beliefs are truly koo-koo for coco-puffs.   You can bone up on it here or you can just plan to stay far away from Alaska once she returns to carry out her plan of destroying all its endangered species and finding a way to create nuculer energy our of special needs kids.

If you’d like to see her lies debunked about wanting to be a Friend to special needs kids, go here.

An article in the Sunday New York Times is already online, outlining the shifting narratives of Grandpa’s campaign, and recounting his first private meeting with Mrs. Palin at his ranch in Arizona. One can only imagine them playing footsie as they drank their mugs of coffee and regaled each other with tales of their mavericky ways.

Pap Smear, I have taken some ‘medication” prescribed for me by the lord and it’s time to go and worship at the church I call My Freezer, where the sacriment of Banana Nut Ice Cream awaits me.   Sleep tight.

Is Mrs. Palin a human life? This is a critical question for me, not to mention this great country of ours.

Dr. James Dobson, a lunatic evangelist, spoke with Mrs. Palin oh his radio show today. It was an orgy of mutual ass-kissing that only a full-fledged Christian Zombie could stomach. It was god this, god that, with a nice emphasis on “special needs children.”

Mrs. P was happy to praise herself for giving birth to little Trig, who is god’s special way of showing his blessing.   She revealed that she had spent much of her pregnancy on her knees, ahem, praying for guidance.

Now of course, she loves those special needs kids so much that she is speaking against a Colorado initiative that was designed to help the state’s developmentally disabled population by raising the sales tax by one cent for every ten dollars spent in the next two years.

Also too, Mrs. P cut in half her own great state of Alaska’s funding for its Special Olympics program.

Once you’ve recovered from the interview, if you have been so privileged, you can go to the Pray For Sarah page where there is a cute little graph of the whole Palin family.

Mrs. P is reportedly scheduled to give her first policy speech tomorrow, “highlighting her commitment to families with special needs.”   If god is out there, couldn’t he smite her down with lightning? Couldn’t he choose her to suffer for our sins, rather than make us suffer for hers?

I know I speak for Dr. Dobson and everyone else when I say that I appreciate the sanctity of human life. But does Mrs. Palin herself actually qualify? I see no signs of this. All the more reason to get those medical records!

Are you wondering why Little Piper is carrying a $6,000 Louis Vuitton handbag? Oh, you, don’t be gettin’ all excited and thinkin’ that Mrs. P is planning on KEEPING that expensive stuff from Saks and Neiman Marcus! It’s all goin’ back! You know how Neiman’s lets you go around with your purchases and then lets you give ’em back! Some of it is going to charity, of course.   Heaven knows, disabled kids love them some Louis Vuitton!

A reader calling herself Kim asks: “Don’t you people have anything better to do than judge other people? I can’t believe how rude you people are!!”

Kim, let me answer you this way: NO, WE DON’T!

Here at Godammit.com, we judge people. We figure that the good lord gave us the ability to make judgements, so why not exercise it? Like the great Gustave Flaubert, we are “severe mais juste.” Strict but fair.

In PAP Smear news, Mrs. P was unable to define “preconditions” and agreed to reveal her medical records IF she does in fact reveal them. Good to know!

In a new interview with People Magazine, Mrs. P and Todd “The Bully” Palin are asked “Who’s the better cook?” Mrs. P answers (god bless her heart) “I’m a better cooker.”   Hahahahaha!

Okay, I have been asked to list “11 Things” about me, and I feel it is my privilege to let the people of this great country and any other land mass to know these eleven things:

1. I buy and hoard red lipstick.
2. I have two adopted adult children who I met in cyberspace.
3. I’m afraid of squirrels.
4. I hate my next door neighbor, Alec.
5. There’s no such thing as too much coffee.
6. I’m blind without contact lenses (and with them, at this point)
7. I once got married in Tijuana, using fake ID.
8. I love “Free Bird.”
9. I am relentless in arguments about word usage.
10. No one will tolerate my singing.
11. I’m planning to launch the Crazy Mothers Club (CMC) for the daughters of crazy mothers, after Nov. 4.*

* Sign-ups on November 6

What, the RNC spent $150,000 on Mrs. P’s wardrobe?!?!?!

How can you spend that much money and still look like trailor trash?! Most of it was spent at Saks and Neiman Marcus, but all I can see are a bunch of tight black skirts, fitted jackets and cheap looking boots.   She definitely has her own style, which might be described as Small Town PTA Lady, or Middle Aged Beauty Queen.   Why can’t she look at some photos of Jackie Kennedy? Her awful fashion sense makes you forgive Hillary Clinton for her pantsuits. At least she didn’t rely on her sluttiness to distract people from what came out of her mouth.

Today, Mrs. P insisted for at least the forth time that the Vice President “is in charge of the United States Senate Senate.” Also too, if I am so privileged to keep typing, she swindled Alaska by spending $21,000 to fly her daughters around on government business, taking them to events where they weren’t invited and clearly had no function to perform.

Mrs. Palin, no no no no no! We don’t want any more of you!

No top lip, no fashion sense, no brains, no ethics, no shame, no nothing. Give Trig to Jan, let Bristol finish high school, get Track in rehab, send Willow to a family in Nigeria where she can experience maternal love, and sell Piper to the Gypsies while she’s still cute.

Ma haine dure.

*UPDATE: Watch Palin in the new extended Swimsuit Competition video! UGH!

Dear Diary,

I am so doggone mad that the US government is so stuck in its Washington ways and so not truly in touch with the great people of this great nation. It has seen fit to declare the beluga whale an endangered species, even though Todd and me tried to block this very dangerous decision. It just makes me so mad! It’s like here I am the Governor of the great state of Alaska, but these elitist conservationists think they know more than me.

Doncha hate it when you’re just tryin’ to help this great country of ours to Drill baby drill, but they get some liberal elitist scientists to go all ‘declining population’ when we already told ’em the whales are fine.

I hafta say that I like it when me and Todd are tryin to make babies, and he’ll sorta whisper “Drill baby drill” and it makes me feel almost as good as when I’m speakin’ at a big ol’ rally about some of the changes I’m gonna be makin over there in Washington if I am so blessed.

I told Todd, I said Todd, if the lord wants to bless us with another special baby it will be my privilege to just put that thing in a basket under my desk at the White House and let Piper keep it quiet while I am makin’ those important decisions to get this great nation back on the right track.

Speakin’ of Track, if that boy asks me for drug money one more time, I swear I’m gonna have his ass deployed to Afghanistan. I love my boy dearly but like I remind him, there are plenty more where he came from, so don’t do anything to screw up my chances. Between him and Bristol I can see where a woman might want to go ahead and use birth control. LOL, just kiddin’ of course.

Well, time for my hot cocoa and my phone-call to John, who is drivin’ me nuts with his crap about POW this and POW that. Poor Cindy, right? On November 5 I can tell John to just shove it and kiss my ass. Once I’m elected, that old bastard will learn who’s boss.

Is anyone surprised that Grandpa’s campaign has finally deployed their secret weapon….Obama’s middle name?

Gosh darnit, some prick who introduced Mrs. P to a Nazi rally in Clearwater Florida busted out with “Barack Hussein Obama” to huge applause. The implication of course is that Obama is a Muslim terrorist, not in fact the idealistic all-American family man he’s pretending to be.

While Mrs. Palin incited the crowd by accusing Obama of harboring terrorist feelings about Our Great Country, her audience screamed their support. The cry of “Kill him!” could be heard.

Thanks, Sarah!

Meanwhile, Grandpa is practically foaming at the mouth. I am braced for the absolute worst in his debate tactics. He’ll probably say that Obama is not only a terrorist but a Black Panther.   You should take the time to read this sobering biography of   John McCain, which reveals in detail why our “Maverick” is really a shameless liar and life-long opportunist whose temperament makes him unfit for the job of President.

God I hate that fucking bastard. Shall we select “POW” as our drinking word for tomorrow night? Other suggestions?

It’s going to be really, really ugly, people. If you haven’t joined PAP Smear, it’s not too late. Our Chief Political Strategist, annemarie, stands at the ready to give you an assignment.

* On a happier note, Sister Wolf was invited to talk about Mrs. P on Australian radio! It was very exciting. The charming host, Michelle Crowther, warned her audience that I am a “potty mouth,” but I was miraculously able to avoid swearing. Shit! You can listen by clicking on the little headphone and the date 5/10/08.

If it weren’t for Tina Fey, how many of us would have killed ourselves by now? Tina Fey is all that stands between nervousness and mass hysteria. When you laugh at Tina’s Sarah Palin, the laughter is coming from a very dark place, a place where you want to see an ambition-crazed Bible thumper torn to pieces by starving polar bears.

Tina, please accept an honorary membership in PAP Smear, and the title of Blessed Catharsis!

Since things aren’t looking too good for Grandpa, Mrs. P says that “..now the heels are on, the gloves come off!” What the heck is she sayin’???? Is this a dominatrix reference, to excite the Republican base? Or is it just stripper talk?   PAP Smear decoders, get to work!

So now that the gloves are off,   Mrs. P is accusing Obama of   “palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.” Oh, please. GONG! Get her off the stage already.

If you want to really get scared, read this op ed piece in The New York Times about Palin’s ominous desire to be President.   Make sure you’ve got a handful of Xanax or a YouTube video of Tina Fey qued up.

So, looking ahead, what magic word will you be looking for in the Tuesday debate between Grandpa and Obama?   I’m guessing Grandpa will finally yell ‘Horseshit!’ Wouldn’t that be mavericky?!

*Update: Thanks to the diligence of our own OMGGMAB, we have this exciting clip of the Castro Brothers.