I was taken aback recently by an email announcing a new brand of “unapologetic knitwear.” It was not only unapologetic but also ridiculously expensive. Maybe it could at least apologize for the price. A few days later, I encountered more offers of unapologetic clothing.
I started feeling annoyed. I don’t want any attitude from my clothes, least of all anything so confrontational. If I haven’t asked for an apology, it seems kind of hostile to announce that I can’t have one.
I also got a heads up about a new perfume called Forgive me, which was described as unapologetic. Well, which is it?
It seems like given our current cultural climate, it would be smarter to sell us stuff that was contrite if not downright penitent. I’d like some knitwear that was remorseful about everything…it’s material, fit, color and price. Everything we buy owes us an apology for making us poorer and more unsatisfied. If I want to be provoked, I don’t need knitwear to do it.
In general, why are apologies so hard for some people? Personally, I’m happy to apologize all day long, and I do. The other day, I apologized to the doorknob that jabbed me in the hip. It costs me nothing to apologize, yet for others, it’s like a superhuman effort to say something like,”I’m sorry if you feel that way.” Or, “I’m sorry you took it that way.” Both of these obviously mean, “I’m not sorry and too bad for you.” Maybe for some, apologizing feels like a capitulation – some kind of zero sum mindset that feels like you win if they apologize.
I used to think this inhibition was a man thing, but I recently spent time with a guy who apologized around fifty times, so I guess it’s just low self-esteem that equates apologizing with a loss of face (or dick, as the case may be.)
I’ve learned to say, “I’m sorry I was such a jerk” and really mean it. It’s kind of exhilarating to absolve yourself in this way. You’re good until the next time you’re a jerk. It’s also useful to say, “I don’t want to be an asshole, but…” and then you can proceed to be an asshole. I’ve done this a few times in my gym, when I report kids using the weight machines. It’s none of my business but I do it anyway. I pretend that I’m worried about them getting hurt but I’m just being an asshole.
I’ve learned there’s a type of person who owes you an apology but will turn things around so you end up having to apologize to them for wanting an apology. This technique is known as DARVO. Try to stay away from this type. If you find yourself engaging with one, just scream “DARVO!” and run away.
Thank you SO much for making me laugh tonight, it’s such a rare occurrence!
I’m Canadian, and we apologize for everything. I like to take that up a notch by apologizing to total strangers in inflammatory situations (parking/driving, confrontations, checkout line disputes, etc.) when I am well aware that I am the person at fault. It disarms them to such a degree that they are stunned into silence or counter-apologizing. I’m not sure who feels better; me or them. We both think we’ve won.
It’s an old joke, but as they say, one day Canada will take over the world, and then you’ll all be sorry.
Sister, first of all, thank you for making the world a better place with your posts. Secondly, on this theme…it got me thinking of a T-shirt I bought in a very cheap district of Buenos Aires last winter. Plain white with “Sorry….Not Sorry” written across it in italicized letters. I’ve never actually liked this glib fuck you statement and don’t know what possessed me to buy it. To date, 8 months later, I have not been able to put it on. Nor do I feel I can give it away. What would it say about me, to have bought such a stupid thing? Sorry!!!!
Alison – I know you meant to type, you’re NOT the person at fault. And I do the same thing. I wish Canada would take over the world! It would definitely be an improvement.
betty lagogianes – You’re not the only one who’s bought a stupid t shirt! How about wearing it with the Not Sorry crossed out??
Hi again Sister Wolf… thanks for publishing my response – I actually did mean to write exactly that. I have zero problem changing tack when I suddenly realize I am wrong in a heated situation. That is exactly why it really throws people. We all feel we have to save face, but I don’t have a face to save, so I honestly don’t care. I’ve got way worse things to worry about. It’s the last thing anyone expects, and it leaves them absolutely gobsmacked. And that’s why I say we both win, because they feel vindicated in their “rightness”, but I feel like I’ve absolutely flattened them. So, it’s a bit mean, but, well, sorry.
Alison – aha, now I get it. I think I apologize either way, unless it’s family, and then all bets are off!