Grammy Exigesis

Okay, let’s review the main points! Mariah Carey is an absolute heifer, resplendent in her enormous chiffon gown and ratty hair extensions. My Barbie had more realistic hair than that, back in the day, but of course she couldn’t sing a note. Mariah’s hand gestures were amazing, too. If the Narrative Diva-Hand is an art form, then Mariah is its Rembrandt.

Kelly Clarkson’s hand was also quite demonstrative, but she has a long way to go to catch up to Mariah. Kelly’s fake crying, and her insistent references to her fake crying, worked against her Plucky Underdog thing, or maybe one should say “Underpig,” given her soft porcine features. Anyway, that girl sure can belt out a song. I had no idea! In terms of sheer loudness and exposure of rear molars, she is fucking amazing. No wonder she is so popular!

Christina Aguilera looked alot like a 60 year old Peggy Lee, although I hear she was aiming for Veronica Lake. My Tabloid Source says that Christina has augmented her lips, but I didn’t notice that. I would like to know what lipstick she was wearing, if anyone happens to have that information. It was a nice bright classic red. Her voice was another big one, verging on yelling, but at least she gives the impression of a trained singer. I don’t know why she married that little creep. Is he rich or something?

Madonna: what can I say about her that hasn’t been said a million times already. Ambitious, Reinvents Herself, What a Gal, blah blah blah. Personally, I want her to relax and start eating again. I want her to leave her hair alone, and I want her to let her kids watch TV. More than anything, I want her to kill herself or just go away.

Speaking of eating, Sheryl Crow, I know you are probably hurting right now, but for the love of god, you are now emaciated. Fine, you look good for 40 or whatever you are, but there is a line between slim and dying of hunger. Forget Lance, he has cancer anyway, just concentrate on ice cream and fried food for a while.

Have I forgotten anyone? I think I’ve covered everything that matters. U2 sucks, Green Day ditto, “rap isn’t music,” and allstar finales are always a mess. That’s it until next year.