I’ve always scoffed at people who redecorate their homes. It seems like such a waste of time and money, not to mention the most bourgeois activity I could imagine.
Now, I’m thinking about redecorating, so I finally understand the motivation: I’m dead inside.
Being dead inside, I’m looking outward at my environment. I hate my curtains. Why do we have to have these ugly curtains that we bought at Target under duress when we moved into this house seven years ago? And why should I live with corroded hardware in my bathroom sink when I can get vintage replacements from a special bathroom fixtures website? And while I’m at it, why are all the walls white? I used to love colored walls. Which walls should I paint and which colors?
Really, who cares? My house is perfectly fine as is. It’s comfortable and reflects our personalities. Redecorating is just an effort to externalize your loss of identity and self-worth. It’s an act of desperation.
I knew a couple who spend $50,000 to revamp their kitchen. They were wealthy, obviously, and they both wanted to sleep with me. I did sleep with one of them, in the end, but I can’t recall anything about their kitchen. What losers.
I know a divorced guy whose new girlfriend redecorated his entire condo in grey and black, with shit from Macy’s, it looked like. She wanted to erase all signs of his former partner, and eventually she took over every aspect of his life. He appeared to have no opinion on this. When he’s finally dead inside, he might take notice.
But with each passing day, my curtains are an increasing blight on my existence. If only I knew what to replace them with!
I have started following interior design pages on Instagram. I am especially drawn to chinoiserie. Jewel-toned velvet couches are nice too. I could start hunting in thrift-shops for furniture instead of old cashmere sweaters and Levis!
But I would still be me, this me. This me has no social life and no mental life to speak of. I can’t turn off the TV because the silence will make me anxious. I feel I have already thought about everything there is to think about. I can’t think about the past or I will feel deprived, guilty, and pathetic. I can’t remember how I occupied myself before Covid but I didn’t watch TV all day and night.
People who exercise or go sight-seeing or attend events seem so poignantly deluded. It’s like, Aww, look at them thinking this will change anything! The more fun people appear to be having on boats, at parties, standing on mountains, the more tragic they seem.
The only time I feel at ease is when I go to bed. Being asleep is my idea of living my best life. There is just too much loss to incorporate when I’m conscious, I guess. But meanwhile, I want curtains. There are four big windows in my bedroom and I want complete darkness at night. I want flowing, floor-length velvet curtains or maybe gauzy white curtains. Or maybe white blinds to match the walls. Or maybe custom black-out shades. Something Victorian to match my dresser, or something in keeping with the craftsman style of the house. Or maybe I need to paint the walls a deep cherry red or midnight blue?
The next time someone brings up redecorating, just feel sorry for them. Explain that they are dead inside and I know they will thank you.
Thoughts on my windows, anyone?
You’re my age. We’ll die before this pandemic ends. Just this morning I thought “my favorite state of consciousness is asleep” hope that’s what death is like…in a warm bed, asleep.
“People who exercise or go sight-seeing or attend events seem so poignantly deluded. It’s like, Aww, look at them thinking this will change anything! The more fun people appear to be having on boats, at parties, standing on mountains, the more tragic they seem.”
Exactly! Also add the food they’re eating. And when they advertise all this on FaceBook as in “Look At Me” and all the fun I’m having, it’s even more pathetic as in the old saying “protesting too much.”
Hello Sister Wolf. I’ve been reading your blog for years and always appreciate your insight. This is my first comment to you and I’m nervous! And it’s a stupid post to boot. You see, I’m curious if you’re serious about window treatments. I used to love interior decorating but not anymore. I’m unhappy with the half curtains we made for our living room and have been stuck for ideas. I look forward to reading any suggestions that might inspire me. Thank you for your writing; it means a lot.
Mary Beth – I hope you’re wrong about Covid! I want to go to London and stay in a nice hotel before I die. That is my hope. But yes, death will be like sleep, without having to get up to pee. xo
Thomas Isenberg – It is pathetic. I have zero interest in their pets also.
Sharron – HAHAHA, this IS a stupid post but it’s the best I can do at the moment. I really don’t know what to do about our windows. I guess it depends on the mood one wants to create?? Maybe some commenter will help us out with this. xo
Get new bedroom curtains. You will feel better.
OMG, I meant it was a stupid post on MY part! I would never say that to you! I have mad respect for your writing. Deeply apologize for the mix up.
Sharron – Haha no apology necessary! I wasn’t sure what you meant but I didn’t feel insulted! Please continue to comment! I appreciate your support and encouragement xo
Andra – You know what, I will do that! Good call!
You think everything is stupid. I love interior design. I dream of a personalized, harmonious “space” that perfectly reflects my unique and complex innerworld while reminding any guests that they are fortunate to have the attention of this budding grande dame. Until my lotto numbers hit I’ll be forced to make-do with acrylic rugs, TJMaxx/thrift store objets d’art, and cheap catalog furniture. Pleasant surroundings combat my blahs so I generally try to make an effort. Unfortunately my middle-middle class, suburban, cookie cutter house has zero character so… lipstick… pig.
Chinoiseriechic.net has some gorgeous inspiration if you can figure out how to get into the archives. The jewel tones, pattern, and more-is-more content of the old posts are far more impressive than the current grey and white, pared down trend.
I recommend the blackout curtains. Overstock.com has a decent selection. Your eyes will bleed when you see the cost of custom drapes.
the year started badly Sis. One of my besties, swimming in a river mouth floating out to the ocean with her kids on the shore, swept under by a savage rip and held under water for over 5 minutes. Then swept out to ocean and her body returning 20 minutes later, all viewed by her kids. 47 years old! The week before, we were laughing and complaining about getting older, I’m 52, been friends for exactly half my life. She thought some Botox might help her! Ha!
But she was smart and 5 years before had insisted I be godmother of her youngest. So I have a job and a role to fulfil.
The ocean is still beautiful and I still swim – at another beach and between safety flags.
Mary – Oh dear, that is just terrible! So very sorry about this, how traumatic for all her loved ones! Let me know how it goes with the godmothering. xo
Mosshart – because everything IS stupid. I’ll go look at that website though.
Yeah, definitely get the blackout curtains. We’ll probably all need them to shut out the sight of whatever apocalyptic shit must be certain to appear in our streets and countrysides in the next few years. (Pay no attention, that’s just my depression talking. Still, get the curtains.)
A few years ago I couldn’t decide between dark heavy floor-length or light filmy-gauzy, so I did the thing where you have both: dark maroon floor-length with gathered, three-quarter off-white lace panels behind. Closed, dark and Poe-nevermore gloomy; open, all lace and sunshine. I do wonder, however, if it puts me in crazy Hitchcock Psycho territory, interior-decoratingly speaking.
If you decide to do some painting, just be sure it’s colors you can actually live with. Way back in the middle of menopause (i blame it on menopause) I painted my bedroom the most perfect shade of totally saturated turquoise and it was like being imprisoned in aquarium hell so bad that I had to move into the junk room across the hall. Repainted the walls a nondescript khaki and moved back in. I hope you love whatever you choose!
Bevitron – YES, that’s what I what, heavy dark velvet AND gauzy white too!!!!
I am enjoying the comments on this post as much as your words. People relate to you, is that of some comfort I wonder. I find comfort in relating to you and them. In my city “down under” the trend of plantation shutters just will not end. I refused to get them a few years ago and went with white timber look blinds, the sales person during my in-home demo casually mentioned that they are “nice but heavy to pull up (the cord)”. Ended up being shitty heavy and annoying and a regretful purchase. I guess I should have gone to the showroom. Pretty sure that won’t be an option again anyways. House visits from loved ones feel like they’ll be in the past too. I feel a bit dead inside because maybe many things won’t ever be the same again.