The Pearl

I started seeing a new therapist this year, and it has been life-changing. He is smart, funny, sensitive, and has done his own time with depression. I feel such a strong connection that I’m hoping he’ll want to be my friend once ethics allow.

Last week over Zoom, I told him about an essay I read, primarily a take-down of Viktor Frankl. We discussed the sacrosanct regard for Frankl, as a Holocaust survivor, and the viability of Primo Levi’s work, since he ended up jumping out a window.

The essay takes Frankl to task for a bunch of things, but most pertinently for his insistence on finding the positive in even the most horrible experience. It’s not exactly like finding the silver lining of concentration camps…but it comes close.

Frankl maintains that we always have a chance to exert our will, to make choices even when all seems lost. If you’re in a camp and you have a piece of bread crust, you can choose to share it, for example.

Anyway, it was a really good, thought provoking essay. The part I wanted to talk about with the therapist was the false notion that suffering brings you closer to god, or that suffering has any point at all. The bible teaches (apparently) that god imposes suffering on you for a reason. Suffering in this life is a preparation for heaven. Maybe you’re supposed to be grateful, for all I know.

Here’s the paragraph that struck a chord for me:

Because infant and childhood deaths were so common it is not surprising that the rabbis of the Talmud tried to inject a glimmer of metaphysical hope into this most tragic of tragedies. Rabbi Yochanan had lost no fewer than ten children, and his colleagues attempted to console him with the promise of a reward to come: “If one engages in Torah and acts of charity and buries his sons, all his transgressions are forgiven.” That might have consoled Yochanan the Rabbi, but it did not console Yochanan the grieving father. Rabbi Yochanan rejected the very notion that suffering -of any sort-was worth a reward. “I want neither this suffering nor its reward.”

What a powerful statement for those of us who are beyond consolation.

Suffering leads to nowhere good, and teaches you nothing. You might be more  compassionate to your fellow man, but surely at a preposterous price. Trying to find value in suffering seems so American to me, but I guess it’s actually religious dogma. I used to listen to Joel Osteen in the car, and we would snicker at his promises to his deluded followers: “Your wife has incurable cancer and your dog died? Cheer up! God is just biding his time, preparing to send you a spiritual check in the mail!”

Haha, there is no check! Not to mention god. Here’s what came up when I googled “suffering is”:

Never for nothing, eh?

I love Rabbi Yochanan’s quote so much that it might be my next tattoo. It looks good in Hebrew:

So then, I don’t remember how we got there, but my therapist and I talked about guilt and how it was okay to just go to bed in the middle of the day if that’s what you need. He said ice cream would be okay too, a form of self-care. Somehow, maybe we were talking about our mutual dispositions, and he said, “Being sensitive and intense isn’t a bad thing, right?”

I disagreed, and said that the pain of being that way is only valuable if you channel it into art. If it’s just suffering that doesn’t produce anything, it’s like an oyster without a pearl. Then, it’s just suffering; there is no pearl.

“Like the Holocaust,” he observed brightly, like the smartest kid in the class. We both started laughing hysterically.

A good therapist always wraps up the session by returning to the beginning, so it comes full circle. UCLA will only cover a certain number of sessions with its doctors, and I’m near the limit with mine. I will miss him terribly!

And this post is the pearl.

This entry was posted in Art, Disorders, grief, Religion, Words and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Pearl

  1. ezrite says:

    you da pearl

  2. Sister Wolf says:

    ezrite – How sweet of you!!!

  3. Mina says:

    Primo Levi…discovered him this Summer. Gave me goosepimples by 40 degrees. In my view a present and grounded writer. Reasonable man. He also wrote some pleasant (sur)realistic short stories!

  4. Ali says:

    What’s the essay!!! I tried to find it.

  5. Shelley Anders says:

    YOU are all kinda pearls. This blog is your art. You were grieving and angry and you’ve channeled that into some of the best reading I’ve ever had the privilege to enjoy. You are the bright kid in class and I’m so grateful to get to hear your thoughts on everything from ridiculous fashion to how much you hate Trump haha. I don’t remember quite how I found you I think it was a review of some gypsy necklace you had made? But I’m still here a fan of you work many years later. We are FB friends now but I always wished to have none you in person while I lived in California. I’m sorry for your suffering, truly, but you heal many with your humor and intelligence.

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Mina – Thanks, I will take another look at his work.
    Shelley Anders – Oh Shelley, you are so nice! I’m mad that we didn’t meet up when you were nearby but at least I can admire you and your beautiful family on fb xo

  7. Jeri says:

    Being sensitive and intense isn’t a bad thing, right?”. I think I agree with you, only if it’s channeled into art. My son died two days ago of a heroin overdose. He was sensitive and intense. And artistic, musical, curious, intelligent. Its a heavy load to bear sometimes in this world we have to navigate through. But a wondrous thing to find such a human. I was drawn to your blog when I finally knew of my son’s drug use. I am drawn now to share his death. I hope you don’t mind. Your writing has brought comfort to me over the years.

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