Recently, I’ve been wasting my time on Instagram, because it’s the ultimate passive diversion. Mostly, I follow handsome African models, tattoo artists, and jewelry designers. It’s pleasant eye candy, and it enables me to spend hours on the couch without moving or having to think.
A woman who seemed to share my sensibility started to chat with me there. I told her that I’m a grieving mother, as I consider this to be a significant part of my identity. So anyway, in order to soften the blow of this, I added that I have some pretend adopted children, (Chris, Ali, and Simone, xoxo)
Here’s this woman’s reply:
She went on to elaborate on how well the adoption has turned put and how nice the person was to “open her house to an orphan.”
I was so disconcerted that I continued to chat with her about this and that. I hate when I do this. I need to get better at going, ARE YOU CRAZY? But anyway, let me ask you:
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE????
Why do people say such awful things?? “Because they’re uncomfortable” isn’t good enough. Can you imagine if someone’s cat died, coming back with, Oh, a friend of mine had a cat that was torn to pieces by a coyote! No, you can’t imagine, because you’re just not that awful.
One of my loved ones was diagnosed with cancer, and is now cancer free and in great shape. But when they told people about the diagnosis, they were often caught off-guard by the stupidest and cruelest responses. I can’t repeat them here. But the correct reply is not “My grandma just died of cancer!”
If someone confides in you, regarding some misfortune, it’s not hard to just say, “I’m so sorry. Are you doing okay?” I find myself saying this fairly often, since bad things keep happening to friends and complete strangers. Please, please try this next time you are lost for words.
Next up is the non-compliment. A friend told me today that when she tried on some new sparkly eye shadow, her husband noticed and asked her, “What have you done to your eyes?” I laughed at the hostility of this response, partly because I know her husband and it’s a perfect summation of his personality.
I think it’s a good rule to not comment on anyone’s physicality UNLESS THEY ASK YOU TO WEIGH IN! Don’t say anything about my shoes if it’s not a compliment. Don’t call anything I’m wearing “fun.” I know what fun means, motherfuckers! Don’t say to people, “Is your hair different?” If their hair looks great, you can say so, but otherwise, just shut up. Never, ever, say to anyone “If you like it, that’s what matters!” under any circumstances.
There are so many expressions that strike me as inherently out of order, like when I was stroking my husband in my sleep and he muttered, Keep still. “Keep still” is what my dentist used to say when I was six years old and terrified. “Keep still” is what someone says when they’re lasering your eyeball or operating on your brain or getting ready to shoot you.
Thoughts? What do people say that bothers you or makes you wonder what the fuck is wrong with them?
The non-compliment thing reminds me of the time my father (whose lack of social awareness rivals my own) was once complimented on his shirt by someone who was definitely being insincere. I looked at him as he offered thanks for the insult and noticed again the fanny pack that nobody in our family has been able to dissuade him from using. I still can’t tell if his fanny pack pride is something to be celebrated or quietly ashamed of. I guess the fact that there isn’t a fanny pack pride parade yet shows that we still have a “long way to go, baby.”
Please, God, let this newest ebola outbreak finish us off.
“As long as you like it,” is aggressively passive. I tend to crawl into a hole whenever anyone offers unsolicited advice/commentary. I’m weirdly sensitive that way. Like, sometimes I just want to loosen the valve & let out some steam, share my human experience. There’s always someone who has to chime in with, “Why don’t you do X?” No, person – why don’t YOU just let me share my messy experience with you and not try to fix me?
(I’m impossible sometimes, I admit.)
Also – I’m listening to Sweetheart of the Rodeo now & reminded of you and your love of Gram Parsons, which is why I visited your site today. Happy Memories Day, grieving mom. It’s ok to be sad. Your sadness and humor has been a light on my journey.
(Sorry for the new agey cliches. Namaste! 🙂
Because they’re morons. Period.
I just wrote a huge response with all the shit I hate that people say but took a deep breath and deleted it. I feel better already.
Also, would you like a 4th adoptee? I promise to never non-compliment.
I find if you keep your contact with your fellow humans to a minimum you are less likely to offend anyone.
My all time favorite is “you look tired” . Really? Thanks.
One that drives me crazy is the lack of “pardon me” or “excuse me”. It has been replaced with “I’m sorry”, or just a pathetic…”sorry” by itself. At the supermarket, you approach an aisle with a product that someone else is blocking, they look up and say “I’m sorry”. It’s like the world is riddled with battered women.
As for your chat…. That person is scary, and not to sound paranoid, but maybe not even human, like maybe a bot?
Romeo – I’m starting to love your dad. Re Ebola, we are on the same page, bruh.
Miranda – Yeah, there’s that.
Cami – I’m glad it was cathartic for you. YES, I will adopt you but you have to contact me on Mother’s day. And address me as Mommy. xo
Madame Restora – I need to connect! It’s an illness.
Pocketsound – Oh god, “you look tired” is so hostile. Re the supermarket, hahahahaha! And yes, the woman scares me. Bots are less alarming, so far, anyway.
Any sentence that starts with “You should……”
I suppose if you keep yourself open to new contacts, as you do, you run the risk of hearing from insensitive or oblivious people, or people who JUST HAVE TO top your story. I’m very sorry about your son. And I don’t think needing to connect is an illness.
Melissa – Ah, Gram Parsons, thank you for associating me with him. What a gift! This makes me so happy xoxo
D.R. – YES. Or as my ex-husband liked to say to me: “Here’s what I would have done…”
Mary Liz – Yep. Or maybe some people have to make everything about THEM? It’s so baffling. Thank you for your support!
Where do I start?
But, you’re the one who…
Dj – Just start anywhere!
Lindsay – Would you mind finishing your thought, please? Are you ready to blame me for something? Spit it out.
Do you understand?
Whatever.
We’re traveling…. Are you going anywhere? ( travel has become a huge competitive sport)
You should have…
Yea,no.
Dj – “Any plans for the weekend?” now asked at supermarket checkout. Yeah, no is so much fun to say though! There’s a BBC comedy where everyone says this incessantly, it is the best!!!
“No worries . . .”
“It’s all good . . .”
“At the end of the day…”
Sorry I was not clear!
When discussing something with my husband, I’ve learned saying, “But, you’re the one who…” never ends well.
Love this blog
Lindsay – Ohhhhhhhh! Thank you for clarifying and Please forgive me for snapping at you xo