Thank You, JonBenet


Just when I’ve been complaining that what we all need is a nice OJ Simpson style news story, along comes John Mark Karr to claim he killed JonBenet Ransey! This is like pennies from heaven for me personally and for our Great Nation, which is in dire need of a distraction from all the bombing and killing and killing and bombing.

Remember how OJ pulled our country together (except for how it pulled us apart, along color lines)? We were all glued to our TVs, all of us enthralled by the hideous real-life melodrama, all of us learning to speak like trial lawyers about sidebars and rules of evidence. I never wanted it to end.

Remember Scott Peterson and poor Lacey? God, that one was addictive. No one believed Scott, no one could remain uninvolved once they saw his smirking face. Amber Frey, Baby Conor, they were like family!

When I read that Patsy Ramsey had died of cancer, I felt a real sense of loss: There goes the murder trial, I thought. I never followed the case too closely but like everyone else, I was convinced the parents did it. They were horrible enough to deform their child into the image of a miniature prostitute, so why put it past them to bash her head in during a bad moment? I saw them on TV once, calmly explaining why the evidence proves they couldn’t possibly be the killers. They sounded like the culprits always sounded on Columbo: too eager and too focused on dry facts.

Now, check out John Karr, the weirdest weirdo money could buy! I don’t think he did it, or at least not without the parents’ involvement. I’ve got a five dollar bet riding on it. But the guy himself is a fucking masterpiece of weirdness! He used to drive around his hometown in a red DeLorean with gull-wing doors. He married a 13 year old girl named Quientana Shotts, who divorced him; and then married a 16 year old who had twin babies named Angel and Innocence (who died on the day they were born.) That wife has 3 other children, who Karr delivered at home!! All this BESIDES being a fake teacher and nanny and porn enthusiast.

I love this guy, and I know I’m going to love him much much more. He seems to be totally insane, just like JonBenet’s parents, only different. I hope the trial goes on and on, and I can’t wait to hear Nancy Grace go berserk about it. I hope every man, woman and child can get some relief from the terrifying spectre of George Bush and the apocalypse he seems determined to bring about. Murder, perverts, child beauty queens, insanity, thank you Lord, my plate is full.

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2 Responses to Thank You, JonBenet

  1. Elena says:

    *removes hat* i think that is the funniest thing i’ve ever read at 3am. this entry may even make up for the trauma i experienced viewing those awful shoes which i saw first since i’m reading backwards.

  2. Mark Poirier says:

    From the moment I saw John Karr, I fell in love! He should adopt the names of his dead twins, Angel and Innocence. Creepy and amazing, and better than anything or anyone to ever grace the pages of tabloids or mainstream newspapers.

    I want him to have his own clothing line called, “Baby Girl.”

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