Acadamy Awards 2014 Exegesis

angie's new tits

For me, this year’s show was all about Angelina‘s new boobs. I admit I have an unhealthy fixation on them. I just can’t get past the disproportionate size of them.

I believe that her surgery was just an excuse to get a new pair of whopping big tits, and god bless her for them, just don’t expect a Nobel prize for wanting enormous implants.

Somewhere, my sister saw a headline that read “Angie fearlessly displays her decolletage..” when the correct verb is “determinedly” or “insistently.” I’m disappointed that she didn’t get them out for a photo op but oh well, there’s still time for that.

Moving on to the awards, Lupita Nyong’o was absolutely stunning in pale blue Prada. What a charming and delightful person, I had no idea! Jared Leto was a dish of androgynous goodness as he delivered a wonderful tribute to him mom. Matthew McConaughey seemed nuts and Cate Blanchette proved that Woody Allen can do anything to anyone and still be the object of Hollywood’s slobbering admiration.

Most Messed-Up face goes to Kim Novak, with Goldie Hawn a close runner-up. Amy Adams looked fabulous and Sandra Bullock looked predictably blah and waxy, while Julia Roberts went all out to look frumpy and horse-faced.

Daniel Day Lewis is still hot in an old man kind of way, demonstrating for Harrison Ford that an earring is the wrong way to go. Brad Pitt needs to explain that awful hairstyle and I want it witnessed and notarized.

I had to cover my face upon seeing the tearful eyes of Barkhad Abdi, the guy who played the Somalian pirate. I need him to be happy! I hope he will go on to have a career in acting, instead of just being a novelty in a Tom Hanks movie.

Finally, it was a relief to only have to see Bono onstage once. It could have been so much worse.

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19 Responses to Acadamy Awards 2014 Exegesis

  1. Debbie says:

    THANK YOU! You are the only other person on earth who thinks Julia Roberts looks like a horse!! And Kim Novak – WTF?! Proof that plastic surgery can really eff up your face. I can’t stand Harrison Ford OR Calista.


  2. Marky says:

    I was stuck in airports all day yesterday so I missed the Oscars. This was really helpful. THANK YOU!
    I’m glad Amy Adams looked great.

  3. Hammie says:

    You forgot John Travolta. He couldn’t read the auto-cue through those too tight eyes and just made up a name when introducing Idina Menzel

  4. Bevitron says:

    Excellent exegesis Sister Wolf, as usual.

    I have been looking for the perfect word to describe Sandra Bullock’s consistently mannequin-ish appearance, and you nailed it: waxy! “House of Wax” kind of waxy. I liked her dress, though.

    I guess it would just be mean to say anything about Liza.

  5. Mishelle says:

    I loved Bette midlers dress. I want it.

    Does bill Murray have psoriasis? Age spots? Poor guys old….

    Pink can sing, never got around to hearing a song of hers, still not interested…but hey; she can sing ish.

    I love your head Joanne.

  6. Andra says:

    Missed it again. Drat!

  7. Suspended says:

    That photo of Brad and Angelina is unnerving. He looks like a creepy redneck showing off his favourite sex doll, Vagalina Joyhole. She looks so waxy and dead behind the eyes. Let’s all give three cheers for her proud, brave bosoms. I think they should win a Nobel Peace Prize.

    Lupita Nyong’o is an absolute joy on so many levels. To win an oscar for your first film is also pretty impressive but, then, she has very quickly become a media darling (Miu Miu campaign, countless magazine covers etc.)

    I love your exegeses, Sister.

  8. lola says:

    Julia Roberts…and her all-around-head-grin smile. I’ve never understood her success…

  9. D.R. says:

    I didn’t think Brad Pitt could do worse than the stupid stoner mane. I was wrong. I only saw it here…have never watched the Oscars.

  10. Marla says:

    She kind of freaked me out when I first saw her in that dress, reminded me of those breast plates some drag queen wear. The thing about Angie, she is not the first woman to have a prophylactic mastectomy, women have been having them for years, but I guess it is more a matter of the media loving her. She does do a lot of good and we should be eternally grateful for all she does for us mere mortals.

  11. Kellie says:

    There were so many questions. I was afraid to look closely at some of these people.
    Horse faced Julia.
    Liza and her boated bottom half of face-with saggy boobs.
    Kim Novak and her inflated bottom half of face
    Johnny T’s tight face, and lace front wig
    Keep in mind, I didint watch one minute of that hot mess. This is just from looking at the pictures afterward.

    Jared Leto is yummy. He really turned that ship around!

  12. Sisty says:

    It’s hard to imagine that she paid for that particular pair, as dowager pigeon-breasty they look in this photo. Maybe they look better with a better bra, but IMO they’re too damn big.

    Didn’t watch the awards, didn’t see the nominees, except American Hustle. I used to be into this crap, but not now.

    So here’s a question : I didn’t see it, but it makes sense to me that Ellen deGeneres’ comment about Liza Minelli was a joke about female impersonators in particular and fag hags in general (so sue me for using the term female impersonator — I come from a family of vaudevillians).

  13. Sister Wolf says:

    Debbie – I thought everyone agrees on the horseface, I mean, unless theyre’ blind or my husband.

    Bevitron and Sisty – The whole Liza thing was just too weird. Beyond my comprehension.

    Mischelle – I love Pinks voice but it was not her best moment. Bill Murray is now his own grandpa.

    Suspended – Hahahahahahahhahahahaha!

  14. Sister Wolf says:

    lola – Me neither.

    Kellie – Hahahahahahhahaha!

    D.R. – It’s so hideous. He is now beyond hope.

    Marla and Sisty – THANK YOU for being on board about the boobs. It is very comforting.

  15. Suspended, that is a perfect description. From this point on, she is Vagalina Joyhole to me.

  16. Dj says:

    Thank you …I have never understood the Julia Roberts appeal, the mouth, the loud cackle laugh among other things equine..poor Liza, hot mess…love the Texas T. rex (Matthew) being a Texan I totally get him, love his way with words…Kate Hudson looked like she wanted to run away…poor Goldie, it’s not 1969…was Harrison Ford high? Why were his eyes all weird?…poor Kim, please she’s 81, loved how T. Rex helped her out…Brad Coopers hair??…why the hell did Will Smith hand out best picture??…why not someone with some weight like de Niro or Streep? Jada Smith, Sandra Bullock, and I want to add Vlad Putin (I know he wasn’t there, but look at him!) embalmed…I’m rambling….could go on and on….

  17. WendyB says:

    Best review I’ve read! (Thanks, re Julia especially. WTF.)

  18. cat says:

    I must be the only person in the world who really can’t stand Cate Blanchett (even before this Woody Allen stuff). I’m Australian, so I’m told by the media I should loooove her, but honestly, she is just so smug and pretentious. You just know she’s the kind of person who does a play or film and says to her smug friends, “this is an *important* work”. She did this thing here called the 2020 summit, which was a bunch of leaders talking about sustainability/climate change, meanwhile she’s popping out three biological kids, living in a $20 million mansion, wearing designer clothing (which isn’t all fair trade or sustainable, I’ll wager) and flying all over the place. Total hypocrite.

    Also, I can often “see” her acting. The little tricks and pauses in her technique. Same with Toni Collette. Overrated. I’m not saying she’s not good at what she does most of the time, I’m just saying I don’t get the worship.

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