Academy Awards 2009 Exigesis

I don’t know about you, but I loved this year’s show. It’s the first one in years that wasn’t a grim chore to sit through. Hugh “I’m not gay” Jackman was a delightful host, relieving one from the effort of laughing at stupid show biz wisecracks.

The show’s two most dramatic moments were:

1. Jennifer Aniston taking the stage, just a couple of feet from Brad and Angie. You could feel the tension as the possibility of humiliation loomed. It was fabulous, wasn’t it? Your own mind could furnish Jen’s thoughts, and Angie’s, too. I thought I detected a fleeting second of eye contact between Jen and Brad, but I’d need a slo-mo replay to be certain. Jen’s hair extensions were amazing, and her nose was perkier than ever. Still, even if she were stark naked, she had no hope of eclipsing the shocking, otherworldly beauty of Angelina Jolie.

2. The announcement of Sean Penn as best actor. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to deal with the look on Mickey Rourke‘s face. He wanted it so badly! But everyone at my house wanted Sean Penn, and we willed it to happen. We manifested Sean Penn’s award, because we know about The Secret. Too bad for Mickey Rourke. He will have to make do with the Golden Globe and his pinkie rings, walking sticks, and dead dog pendants.

Fashion is the real reason for watching the Academy awards and I personally feel I got my money’s worth. SJP looked like a Bad Witch even though she wore the Good Witch dress. Heidi Klum wore a hideous cheap-looking Roland Mouret, with gigantic crappy earrings. Halle Berry was missing her boobs, a tragedy that has yet to be explained. Did she give them to Salma??

Natalie Portman made everyone happy, as usual, even though her head is too big for her body. She dared to wear a weird shade of pink, and for that I salute her. Tilda Swinton accomplished her annual goal of looking like a frumpy man.

I missed Renee Zellweger! Was she there? Her sourpuss expression and vintage couture were sorely missed. Somewhat filling the void was Goldie Hawn, still convinced that she’s 16 years old.

Zak Efron and Emile Hirsch looked boyishly yummy, but few of the men were impressive. Without George Clooney or Johnny Depp, there was really no one to drool over. Seal probably looked great, but Heidi’s trashy get-up managed to blot out everything around her.

Even if you didn’t want Sean Penn to win, you can’t deny the power and sincerity of his call for equal rights for gays and lesbians. He had the guts to stand for something besides his own narcissism, god bless him.

Comments or arguments, anyone?

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11 Responses to Academy Awards 2009 Exigesis

  1. Rudy Zarsov says:

    What a performer Hugh Jackman is. The man is all talent. And thank (insert your own imaginary friend) that Sean Penn was rewarded for his brilliance. That SJP is the ugliest woman in show business. She reminds me of a dog I had once only my dog would come when I called it, she looks like she never has.

  2. Imelda Matt says:

    Goldie, Mickey, Sophia…looks like all the out patients came out to play last night!

  3. Ann says:

    As usual, you did not disappoint. I did not like what SJP was wearing and now I know why, so thanks for clarifying that. I thought there was an abundance of mermaid-style dresses, a design I personally deplore (but recognize I’m somewhat alone in my distaste so I tend to keep it to myself).

    As for me, I spent the better part of the show cackling over a text my friend sent me that read “Huge Ackman.”

  4. honeypants says:

    I though Anne Hathaway looked gorgeous. Though she was part of the silvery-white dress gang, I think she pulled it off the best.

    Mr. Honeypants pointed out that when Jen was talking, the camera cut to Ange twice! That was pretty darn funny.

    Ooh ooh, I loved Steve Martin & Tina Fey’s Scientology dig! I know he does that whenever he can, but it never ceases to stun me — the balls it must take to do in a room full of them! And where was TomKat? Shouldn’t they have been there?

    I too was invoking my imaginary friend (lol Rudy) that Sean would win, and I was so relieved when he did. I noticed he forgot to thank Robin though. Robin, who’s legs looked stunning in the front row.

    Don’t get me wrong, Kate Winslet is known as my “girlfriend” around here, but what was with her weirdo Maw Maw hairdo? At least she had more composure than she did at the GG’s.

    What did everyone think about the new 5 former winners announcing the 5 nominees bit? Unusual, but interesting. I still *LOVE* Marion Cotillard. And Sophia looked like a Drag-Bot.

  5. I’m so happy for you that Mickey had the sh*t smeared all over his arse face!

    So true ref SJP – great dress shame about the face. Love the Jen v Angie stand off. I wish I watched if for Hugh Jackman porn and the star wars. I thought Angelina clapped very heartily at Winslet’s win!

  6. WendyB says:

    I never want to hear Hugh Jackman sing again. I was the only one that hated that? I saw Angelina in person when she was promoting The Good Shepherd and Jen in person this weekend, and even though Angelina has the bone structure and lips, Jen was more attractive. When I saw Angelina she was so frail and unhealthy looking that there was no life to her, while Jen was glowing. Hopefully Angelina’s in better shape now. She must have gained (attractive) weight after the twins pregnancy.

  7. I love Tilda Swinton, despite (or maybe because of) her refusal to look pretty!
    She’s such a refreshing change from the heavy makeup and mega-cleavage Hollywood look, with her pale ethereal Scottishness and great bone structure. Plus, she lives with her older husband and twin sons in a castle, but travels with her 30-something hot Italian artist boyfriend.

  8. Jools says:

    Angelina’s “otherworldly beauty”-well said. But she’s as messed up as octo-mom I’m afraid. GORGEOUS earrings and dress. I miss John Stewart or someone smarter than that houseful of actors. HATED SJP’s dress. Yup, Glinda with too much armpit cleavage. Ann Hathaway looked divine but too thin. Enough Beyonce please. Queen Latifah was the best. Heath Ledger’s Oscar was well deserved. (Saw Angelina cry and realised she is human!)
    Slumdog was my choice for winner. Thank god major creep Danny Elfman didn’t win. Loved Sean Penn’s acceptance. Loved Dustin Lance Black’s (Best screenplay for Milk) speech. If you haven’t seen best doc “Man on a Wire” go and have a thrill!

  9. K-Line says:

    I think you called it. I actually think SJP’s dress, while ugly overall, gave her great boobs. She looked positively voluptuous. So glad I didn’t have to look at Renee though.

  10. i’m such a big tilda fan i’m ready to join her castle crew if she’ll have me. I thought she looked incredible! and honestly I had to turn it off after beyonce and hugh did that hideous musical revue. I love to look at hugh, but enough beyonce. my big white ass she can play etta james.

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    Rudy -You wouldn’t come either if all you had was Matthew Broderick.

    Imelda Matt – Time is certainly cruel, eh?

    Ann -Yep, the mermaid dresses should be prohibited, especially for Beyonce.

    Honeypants – I agree with everything! TomKat was “working” on her new movie.

    Make Do -Yay for Mickey’s face!

    WendyB- I think everyone hated Hugh Jackman. It’s my inner Gay Man that responds to him. As for the Jen vs Angie, I’d rather look stunning and dead than glowy with that huge chin. (I’m a cuntâ„¢)

    Iheartfashion – I LOVE Tilda’s lifestyle! I just don’t want to look at her.

    Jools- I can’t wait to see Man on a Wire. Have you seen the Werner Herzog doc that was nominated? I loved everything he does.

    K-Line -They almost looked like implants, didn’t they??

    fashion herald – Hahahaha! My whole family is on Etta’s team as well.

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