Baby Cafe


I have the perfect business concept for anyone who wants to finance it: Baby Cafe!

I think it’s self-explanatory but in case you’re picturing a cafe that serves Babies on Toast or something, no, it will be like a Cat Cafe, only with babies to cuddle instead of cats.


Baby Cafes would not only bring joy to baby aficionados, they would provide respite and income to stressed-out new mothers. They would ensure that babies receive the tactile affection so necessary for emotional health. They are a win win win!

I think the employees should wear crisp white vintage nurse uniforms, for  an aesthetic that says Clean, Safe, and Professional.  Employees would have to be bonded, obviously.

Patrons would first wash their hands before being seated.

The babies would be laying in nice wicker baskets or maybe little fake cabbage patch gardens.


Patrons will get to wrap the babies in little blankies, feed them with little bottles of their mommies’ milk, burp them, and play simple baby games like One Little Piggy Went To Market. The employees will be available for diaper changes.

Listen, I’m not the only person who craves babies. I know plenty other women and girls who go nuts at the sight of a baby. We just want to hold them and smell them and stroke their little heads. We want to pick out the lint between their toes. You know why?

Because we are fucking mammals, that’s why.

Cat Cafes started in Taiwan and spread to Korea and Tokyo before showing up in Europe and the US.  At first, I found them intriguing but having seen pictures, I am now pretty disgusted. Cats are destructive predators even though you are so mad I just said that.

Cats prey on endangered birds and were once classified as vermin. They carry a parasite  that can lead to schizophrenia in humans. Their tainted feces can be deadly to other animals and we all know they are dangerous to pregnant women and people with suppressed immune systems.

Does this look appetizing?


If you answered yes, just go away now. We’ll never understand each other.

The time is ripe for Baby Cafe. Think of the millennials who love their cold brewed coffee and don’t have time to have children because they’re busy taking selfies and Ubers. They don’t want to own houses or cars or start families because they don’t even like their own families.

But babies are cute and adorable and lower your blood pressure and help to fulfill a biological drive that technology has not yet entirely extinguished.

baby-schoolBabies are everything.

The other day, my husband was playing some boring dirge-like music in the car, and I quietly sang along, repeating the word “babies” through every tune. It was entertaining for one of us, let me tell you.

Okay then. Baby Cafe: Who’s in?

baby cafe



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6 Responses to Baby Cafe

  1. Romeo says:

    Babies are gross and I don’t like them.

  2. Romeo says:

    But if a baby cafe can alleviate this resurgence of terror about impending nuclear annihilation then let’s get Starbucks on board.

  3. Suspended says:

    Romeo, I think you meant “Starbucks is gross” but you got your wires crossed somewhere.

    I like the sound of this….until one of them starts them all crying.

    I love babies too, but always found it very peculiar how differently men and women reacted to our baby. My wife was the first to notice it, of course; most men were friendly and engaging, yet, on the contrary, most women would just draw dirty looks of repulsion, like a baby was the worst thing on the planet.

    Never understood it.

    Anyway, I love your idea, Sis, if only to give tired Mums and Dads a break. The baby thing is such a shock to the system.

  4. betty says:

    Never fly because of the pedophillac thing (I think). Plus, have you noticed how incredibly into their babies/kids young parents are nowadays? I don’t think they’d let a stranger near the babies. Now – what about dog cafes?? When I heard about these cat cafes, I couldn’t believe we weren’t talking about dogs!! EVERYONE now has a dog-child. Huge supply, lots of demand. Or do they already exist??

  5. Djamail says:

    I like the idea?? I do love a good baby, but I would limit the menu to tea and tea food…I would also like an apron…

  6. Josephine says:

    Jesus I’ve got babies coming out my ears — this is a great idea. If they wanted my baby overnight I’d be fine with that, too. I want a sleep cafe.

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