First he was a cherished baby, then a child, and then a teenager who went off to college. For two years before leaving, he’d been subjected to his mother’s grief over losing his big brother. The teenager was traumatized as well but no one thought much about that.
Sometimes he would say, dejectedly, All you do is cry. Once, he asked her if she would be this sad if he had died instead. She redoubled her crying, asking, How could you even ask that! I love you so much! I would be devastated!
But being a teen is hard at the best of times. And this wasn’t that. When he was stressed, or if he didn’t get his way, he would threaten to kill himself, like his brother did. At first, she would beg him not to say that. But it went on.
At some point, she would shriek in response to this, GO AHEAD THEN AND GET IT OVER WITH! Reacting to her own distress but not his.
I know.
Can you forgive her?
The threats kept coming. One day she declared, Nothing you do can hurt me. I am broken. I can’t be more hurt than I am. Of course this wasn’t true but she had no idea, she was lost in grief and PTSD from trying to revive a dead son.
She did the best she could, attending functions with and for the teenager. She was filled with hope and joy watching him graduate from high school, where he was valedictorian. But she may have been fooling herself; she may have been totally absent emotionally when he needed her most.
Anyway, things changed after the teenager moved into a dorm. He had trouble adjusting to visits home, where people treated him like a kid and went around making parental demands. The mother said, We want you here but don’t come home if you can’t respect us.
Stupider words were never uttered. Stupid tough love that no one should deploy, ever.
The teenager no longer wanted his mother’s affection, nor would he display any to her. He started calling her his biological mother. He left the dorm but wouldn’t move home. He was an independent young man and needed to live like one. He achieved big things, on his own.
Nothing the mom did could restore his affection for her. If she said the wrong thing, and she did, things would blow up and get worse. He refused to spend Thanksgiving or Christmas with his family. He would choose a family of his own making, who would treat him differently. Respectfully.
There were brief rapprochements but the teenager became an adult and eventually wanted no part of his mother, or even his father. The mother and father were heartbroken, but that’s what happens. Get a life, parents!
Maybe the mom will see her son again or maybe not. Life goes on, and on, and on.
But looking back, can you forgive her? What if you were that teenager? Do the past or future even matter, or is it only one long meaningless Now?
What what what? I don’t understand the meaning of “stupider words were never uttered”! I would say the same thing to a recalcitrant teen. I don’t think teens have any rights whatsoever. Period. Your rules are your rules. Maybe emotional comfort was not available to him, but many of us did not have emotional, parental support on any remotely consistent basis. As a matured man, he should be able to compartmentalize these various instances in his life. The final compartment should be a forgiveness and an understanding. He needs help here. You did your job, he has to do his or he misses out on a lot…
Oh, dear sister. Yes, forgiveness and more. What you have endured is Shakespearian in its tragic depths. Sending you love and compassion. Sadly, “mother-blame” is still going strong in all societies. Sending prayers to all that is Holy for a healing to take place. You deserve so much more.
Darling, you are both still alive (a testament to your inner strength on both counts) and where there is life there is hope. You are not alone in this painful story.
Miranda puts it better than I might have, Sister Wolf, had I happened on this post unadorned by previous comment.
Mary says it too I think. Thinking as my own Mother’s last remaining child.
You had actual life issues you were dealing with. Its not like you went drinking and gambling every night and left your kid alone at home to fend for himself.
Right. None of it was ideal. They werent circumstances of your making. You did the best you could. Thats all you can do. And now wanting to make it better and reconcile is only natural. And maybe reasonable. And he should maybe be more willing.
However, I understand the mom anger. I just found a letter from one of my mothers friends, clearly as a reply to one she wrote, bitching about me to high heaven. She kept that letter in her drawer for 25 years. Almost like she wanted me to find it one day. And I did.
Its hard not to hate. And to blame.
She Has been dead for nearly 14 years now. I used to feel guilty about not missing her more. Now I remember why that is.
Do what you can to reach out, and if it doesnt work-you did what you could. And it counts.
Sending love.
Dj- Oh come on, teenagers have rights. But on the other hand, their brains aren’t fully grown and that is scientific fact. So…they may be literally incapable of inhibiting certain behaviors. That’s kind of where I’m coming from.
Miranda – Yep, I feel I’ve suffered too much loss and trauma. Thank you for your support and prayers xoxo
Mary – That’s comforting, thank you xoxo
JK – Thank you Hershel xoxo
Kellie – Shit! How awful to have to find that letter. Your mom may have been a piece of many crazed emails that don’t reflect my real feelings or the spectrum of feelings I have for a person. So I hope you can remember some loving moments with your mom! If not though, there’s no shame in not missing her. I once had a dog that wouldn’t stop biting me. His name was Brownie and I don’t miss him one bit. xoxo
Please comfort yourself with your own brilliant post (Dec. 19). I do. Often. About blame…..he blames me. Ironically, I blame Dr. Spock.
Perhaps this is an unacceptable part of parenting. It’s too common not to be.
Life really loves to throw some shit at you.