Casting Your Life

Thanks to Hammie, I now know what actress should play me in the movie based on my life: Catherine Keener. Perfect choice, Hammie! She is definitely an idealized version of me…an attractive, mature hippie type. Or as I like to call her, the thinking man’s Demi Moore.

Years ago, my sister’s husband had an “adventure” that I won’t go into, except to say that afterward, my sister and I liked to secretly cast the movie of it. The title would be “On the Lam.” We figured that Karen Allen or maybe Debra Winger could play us, and Sam Neil could play her husband. I can’t remember how we cast the other characters in our lives, but it was a great game.

The other night though, I saw a movie with Debra Winger, who is now an old hag; she’s definitely out. And I have remarried. My husband can be played by Carlos Santana, since he’s been mistaken for Carlos Santana more than once.

If for some reason, Catherine Keener is too busy to play me, I would settle for Dita Von Teese.

Who would you cast as you in the movie of your life?

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31 Responses to Casting Your Life

  1. Dru says:

    I’d have to pick someone’s voice to play me in the Animated Movie of my life- no handy resemblances to gorgeous actresses in my case. And animation is prettier than real life anyway. I’d like the voice of Sarah Michelle Gellar for the job, purely because I am a massive Buffy fan- it means she’d have to put on an accent but that would be part of an actress’s job, right?

    Catherine Keener would absolutely be you if she just put some lipstick on.

  2. Well years ago it would have been Meg Ryan but then she went and blew it! Now I’m looking for an oscar winning performance so Kate Winslet will do – although the other day someone suggest Nicole Kidman and I were very similar. It was outside an opticians.

  3. Eliza says:

    I would be a politically incorrect Young-jin Lee or a tame Asia Argento with glasses. My boyfriend looks like a white, bearded, nerdier version of Wyatt Cenac. My father is an overweight George Clooney, and my mother (who will also dig your Keener description) is a younger Sally Field. My sisters are Christina Ricci and Lindsey Lohan during happier times.

    The movie itself would be one of those simple indie ensemble pieces filmed in New England, usually with Patricia Clarkson. You don’t hate it, but what’s the point? Haven’t we seen this before? Don’t these people have jobs?

  4. Juri says:

    Mine will be a dull, four-hour long black and white movie. I shall be played by at least six different actors. Each actor will have their own scene where they sit at a restaurant, eating, being sulky and discussing the disappointments and let-downs of their live’s so far – in rapid French or broken English. Or maybe each scene will have its own languge. Some of them will probably be be silent.

    In the final scene all the actors will be gathered in a Hotel room, possibly in Paris, where they watch TV, eat, drink and exchange personal insults. We may use the telephone and make few calls as well.

    There may be an obligatory sex scene and some kung fu action, if that is what it takes to get the funding.

    The Cast: young Paul Newman (shirtless) to play myself as an innocent youth in the flashback scenes, Joanna Lumley (staggering about with a bottle and a cigarette and being rude to everyone) to express my feminine side, Larry David, Bruce Lee, Cuckoo’s Nest era Jack Nicholson and Woody Allen. And possibly Cher, if she is not too busy.

  5. kate says:

    Catherine Keener is a beautiful choice!

    I’m a super-dramatic person with a weird past and a film freak, so this idea is the stuff of dreams!

    People tell me I look like Dakota Fanning, whose mere existence pisses me off, so no to that one. Other people say I look like I could be Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain’s child. Since their daughter Frances Bean lives near me and I occasionally see her around, I would probably lobby for her. She’s pretty curvy, and I’m a twig, so there’d be some The Machinist crash diet action, but she has the freaky childhood resume on lock.

  6. XuXu says:

    My mother.

    Yes. Definitely my mother.

    But then I’d have to tell you who
    my mother is.


  7. honeypants says:

    I want to see Juri’s movie RIGHT NOW!!!

    You’re absolutely Catherine Keener — I immediately agreed when I read Hammie’s comment yesterday.

    Nearly 20 years ago, we nearly had a TV Movie made about us (or rather Hollywood came knocking and we refused them). At that point, I wanted Drew Barrymore to play me, and I think that would have been a fair choice.

    Since then, however, the producers of Criminal Minds have been spying on me, and created an idealized super fancy crime fighting version of me as Penelope Garcia. I even had a dog named Penelope for crying out loud! So in my movie, I’d be played by Kirsten Vangsness, the actress (and real life friend of Amanda Palmer, I might add) who plays Penelope.

  8. I think Catherine Keener is perfect casting for you Sister.
    The movie of my life would probably have to be made by David Lynch.

  9. MJ says:

    I always liked Diane Keaton’s style, though our faces are different and she’s both older and more glossy (she’s Hollywood, I’m Midwest). But I would LOVE to have Dita play the idealized version of m – noir girl lawyer extraordinaire, a Christa Faust/Megan Abbott character with a blade and a .45 under her tailored navy suit.

    And that gives me a story idea…enough of my tomented, sad sack protagonists. Next stop, a very hot bisexual noir girl MC…that’ll do it….

  10. Winter Bird says:

    I am told I resemble Natalie Wood. I would like her to play me if she wasn’t so dead. My father would have to be someone scary like Willem Defoe or Daniel Day-Lewis ala Bill the butcher. My mother would be a spineless jelly-fish type, a perverbial shrinking violet. Vivien Leigh comes to mind for mom. My husband could be potrayed by a young Nick Nolte or any big honking, lumbering Swede. We are a band of traveling dysfuctional musicans who could be in Montinegro one day, or Bakersfield the next. My brother (Steve Buscemi) and sister (Eva Green) constantly plot on how to kill dad and remain in the will, wilst I cheat on my husband with my road manager (Javier Bardem) who’s baby I now carry. There would be a lot of gratuidous sex and ash tray throwing. I think John Waters should direct.

  11. theresa says:

    dolly parton’s re-animated corpse.

    and It would a sci-fi romance movie.

  12. Mondette says:

    Catherine Keener is one of my absolute favorites; she’s always reminded me of my aunt, who passed away when she was 38 of breast cancer–totally stunning (dark, dark brown hair, blue eyes) and funny and ballsy. Watching Catherine Keener makes me smile and kind of melancholy at the same time…

  13. Ann says:

    Catherine Keener is the obvious choice!

    I have cast an entire movie in my head, naming actors and actresses to play all of my friends. Playing me will be Parker Posey.

  14. TheShoeGirl says:

    Based on my low self-esteem in the looks department but full confidence in my smart ass-ness and comic timing… I’d say Natasha Lyonne (Slums of Beverly Hills, But I’m a Cheerleader) would be a great “me”.

    I love your choice. Catherine Keener was my favorite in Being John Malkovich. Such a bitch. And a sexy bitch at that.

  15. Would you believe Lazarus? says:

    Life is strange and connected in such odd ways . . .

    Good choice, I agree Keener would be a perfect you!

    Me, every decade would have to be different. Maybe a rabbit the first 10 years, a book the next ten, an piece of furniture for my 20-30s, a mother bear for my 30s, my 40s (such an abusive decade) planet earth for my 40s, now in my 50s I’d like a dolphin please (not one netted, well maybe). It would have to be a surreal film (or magic realism), something between Allegro non troppo and The Night of the Shooting Star, of course everything anthropomorphised and plotted to tell the story of me.

  16. Iron Chic says:

    I always get the “you look like Helena Bonham Carter when she was in Fight Club” Insult? I do love her though….if I could be idealized I’d pick Rachel Weiss (hot) or Marion Cotillard.

  17. Sister Wolf says:

    Dru – Some actresses suck at accents but Buffy might be able to do it.

    Make Do – Hahahaha! You should have asked, before or after facial work?

    Eliza – I HATE Patricia Clarkson. No rational reason. She ruins everything for me.

    Juri – God, I’m watching your movie in my head right now. We must get this one made!

    Kate – Frances Bean should get anorexa any moment; a good choice for built-in pathos.

    XuXU – Go on, you can tell.

    Honeypants – YES, Drew Barrymore, I can see that. I had to google Penelope Garcia. Why don’t you get that busty one from Madmen to play you??

    Iheartfashion – I would rather see your movie directed by a French director with more compassion for his characters…Truffaut, or Philip Noiret? Or wait…Alan Ball, who created Six Feet Under??

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    MJ – Are you also thinking Linda Fiorentino in The Last Seduction?

    Winter Bird – Jesus, can I green-light this?!

    Theresa – Okay but does this mean you are a midget with enormous boobs?

    Mondette – Plus, she has that ability to project humor and sadness at the same time.

    Ann – Parker Posey? Does she have the Hair? OR could someone else just play your Hair as a separate character?

    The ShoeGirl – I like Natasha Lyonne, what happened to her career??

    Lazarus – My husband’s ex wrote an outline for a movie about the offspring of a dolphin and a women, called Huphin. He saved the word from nuclear destruction.

    Iron Chic – YES, Rachel Weiss is great! Brilliant. Just get Dita if Rachel isn’t available though.

  19. Faux Fuchsia says:

    Wolf Sister, I just want you to know that at about 6.30 am this morning someone from WASILA in ALASKA was reading my Blog.

    Mrs Palin, was it you????

    I raced for my camera to photograph but feedjit page but it was gone…..

    I thought you’d want to know.

  20. hammiesays says:

    I always get what I want. xx

  21. Constance says:

    Jane Birkin in her younger years could play me, in the much improved Hollywood version of myself. Although maybe Lou Doillon is a more accurate description, but then it wouldn’t be the Hollywood version. My dad had to be played by Mick Jagger exactly like he is now. And my mother by Susan Sarandon. It sounds ridiculous, but truth be told, it also does not make much sense in real life.

  22. Cybill says:

    I’d be played by Divine (before the deadness obviously) wearing feathers and sequins. The whole movie would take place on a lime green chesterfield couch and there would be a great deal of cake being eaten.
    Watching the movie will be a painful feat of endurance for the viewer.

  23. Sister Wolf says:

    Faux Fuchsia – Who else could it be??!? Now I’m really jealous.

    Hammie – Okay, want me to get either a job or a book deal, xoxo

    Constance – Wow. I may need your autograph.

    Cybill – Hahahahahahaha! I’m up for it, painful or not.

  24. Aimee- WTF! says:

    For me, it would have to be a muppet monster, I think. maybe an orange or rust colored one. Shaggy.

    But give it eyelashes.

    If I am FORCED to have a human thrust upon my on-screen persona…gillian anderson, but have her gain 30 pounds, wear no makeup and have no hairstylist.

  25. Jules says:

    man that was a tough one. i had to think about it all night, but i finally came up with Dakota Fanning. she could do my earlier years the best. kinda creeping me out though still.

  26. Ann says:

    Parker Posey will have to get some crazy weave or wig, that is true. But, I think she’d be willing to make a huge sacrifice for the part, especially once she learns how much Ecstacy I took in the early 90’s.

  27. erika says:

    I would choose Penelope Cruz to play me because she is beautiful and really do I want to imagine down ?? She could pull off my range of moods. The entire film would be about a woman who talks to herself in a mirror and although she has a life outside of it you only see it played out by her monologues. She would have to smoke a lot and cry and speak in a California accent. In the end she will smash the mirror to signify her triumph over her self containment and escape from constant self-reflection.

  28. theresa says:

    no Im not. but im not one for subtlety either and if they made a movie about my life it would have to be an extravagant, over the top joke with some great visuals and lots of undead people.

    thanks for the earlier advice by the way. My current not-boyfriend looks me in the eyes and says “tell me everything” about once a week, but he’s still scared shitless of me. Its the most destructive relationship. but your comment helped me realize that he’s not worthy no matter how perversely interested he is in the way my brain works. I’ve thought this for a while, but I’m addicted to him (currently trying to kick the habit.)

    also: I think dita von teeze plays sister wolf would make for some kind of cult movie goes block buster. I’d even buy the DVD.

    catherine keener is beautiful too.

  29. Audi says:

    Catherine Keener is such a perfect choice for you.

    I’d like Maggie Gyllenhaal to play me, only she’s going to have to work at not coming off as so sweet, because I’m sort of a crabby-ass bitch. It’ll stretch her acting skills.

  30. jennine says:

    oh yes, catherine keener! she’s great!

    i would love it if kathy bates played me, but i think bette midler would do a better job… she is more bubbly.

  31. Lately I’ve been getting Toni Colette a lot. but I don’t care who plays me, as long as Sam Shepard is in my film, and Robert Duvall. And the only other actress I can think of right now is Tilda Swinton, I’d like her as one of my sisters, or a best friend.

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