Daddy Issues

How many times have you listened to a female friend lamenting about the asshole who mistreats her?   Often, there will be a whole string of assholes, all who treated her like shit, but held some addictive power that made her keep calling him.

Obviously, these women have Daddy Issues. Not just the usual Daddy Issues, but rather the Issues you get from a Bad Daddy. Every girl needs approval from Daddy, in order to grow up feeling worthy and lovable. Daddies, if you reject your daughter, she will grow up to be a Needy Doormat or a Self Destructive Whore. It’s just that simple.

The woman who can’t give up on a man who clearly doesn’t value her affection is a woman who needs Daddy to assure her that she’s his special girl, after all!   A Nice Daddy to call when you’re feeling lonely and bad-about-yourself would soothe the nerves like a nice shot of methadone, only better. A comforting chat with a Nice Daddy would leave you feeling adored and validated, with no down-side at all.

I would like to set up a service that many women are desperately longing for, even though they don’t know it yet. Kind of like the ipod, but not. A call to 1-800-MY-DADDY would connect you to a menu that offers a selection of Daddy Voices, and the Daddy you select will praise you for up to five minutes.

I personally would like a Daddy Voice that sounds like Cary Grant. My own daddy has a nice voice, but of course he’d just be undermining and withholding. Those women with Alcoholic Daddies might want a Daddy who slurs his words, who knows. Anyway, you could either have a pay-per-call plan, or if you need constant praise and reassurance like many women do, a monthly plan would be more economical.

The Nice Daddy will be there for you, whenever you feel an urge to call some bastard who’s already proven to be incapable of intimacy, fidelity, or paying back the money he owes you. He will call you a genius, and he’ll say that even though you look a little thin, you could be Miss America!