I am now officially obsessed with death by scarf, following the news about L’Wren Scott. I didn’t want to believe that this really happens but as it turns out, hanging is the most effective method of suicide. Better than jumping or pills.
I am always prone to morbid thoughts but this is a dark endless loop. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do anything! I am just preoccupied with the question of Why, now that I’ve satisfied the compulsion to know How.
Let’s say her lover dumped her. Let’s say her business was on the rocks. These aren’t reasons to leave the world, to end your life forever, with so many possibilities ahead of you.
I know next to nothing about L’Wren Scott but I admired her as a designer and knew that she moved in a rarefied social circle. Maybe she had demons her whole life long that she hid from her closest friends. But didn’t any of them have enough insight or empathy to see that she was struggling?
I don’t want people to leave this way! The shock and the horror are unbearable. There are always answers. Let us reach out to anyone who seems more depressed than usual or who is experiencing a stressful life event.
Don’t use a scarf. Don’t leave us here without you.
If someone you know exhibits warning signs of suicide: do not leave the person alone; remove any firearms, alcohol, drugs or sharp objects that could be used in a suicide attempt; and call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) or take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.
I am so scared. I have been feeling suicidal for about 2 weeks now, and am finding it harder and harder to hang on. Since I no longer produce anything of value, all medical supports are being removed from me by workers’ comp.; and my blood relatives really just wish I would die already, having an incest survivor has been so ” awkward” for them. The anal rapist that is my birth father has more value in their lives….
I used to think that I would always find reasons to make sense of the pain,
I have run out of reasons,and strength.
This story has really magnified these feelings. I cannot seem to stop crying.
Thank you, sister for sharing your voice with me. I felt just a little less alone.
Harmreduction – NO, you will find the strength tomorrow or the next day. Wait for three days and re-evaluate. Talk to someone with more expertise then me, okay? xoxoxoxo
Harmreducation, you’ve survived so much already, fight on. Please call your local suicide prevention line, Samaritans etc. Don’t leave. xx
Harm reduction, please don’t do it. I live on the other side of the world and want to help you. There are good people everywhere who you can reach out to. You don’t need your blood relatives. Please don’t give up. Try to see past the pain. Baby steps. Please do something small that makes you feel better, a walk, watch a sunset. I wish I could be with you . I would hold your hand and give you a hug. Find the strength. X
Harmreduction–keep living, we need you! Several of my friends share your experience and they have helped me so much in staying focused on LIFE. You have so much to offer; your experience (good and bad) has so much value. Please, please seek help. <3
Harmreduction, let me hear from you to know how you are. We’re all in this together! xoxoxo
i can’t tell you how timely this post feels. like Harmreduction this story really turns the spotlight back on the desire to clock out, for me too. i have been going through a really difficult time for the past 7 years and the last few months have felt like the end of my tether. like all the lights in my head are switching off. in all honesty, sister wolf, it is having read what you have gone through, your son and your grief, that has held me back. i keep thinking of my mother, my family. but i feel like eventually the balance will tip, and even that will not be enough. it is a weird and difficult place, like, i do not want this, i do not want to feel this way, but it feels like an inevitability now. i tried the samaritans and things, i tried reaching out to people, but god… you know, my mind feels like a big derelict house, and eventually the time must come to lock the door and turn out the last light.
Kahlua – NO. don’t even consider it! Your mind feels like that probably because things are not working chemically in your brain and it isn’t your fault. Genes and childhood trauma and other things can combine to make your brain process things in a distorted was…I would like you to try meds and see what happens. Me, I take Effexor and it has helped enormously!!!!!
Try to treat yourself with kindness and compassion, like you would treat me!
You still have the power to help others and that is huge. You can still make a difference in someone’s life!
I know how much you are hurting but I promise things can and will change. Death is forever and your mother will not want to live in a world without you. Even I don’t want to live in a world without you!
Get back to me. Let me know you are planning to stick around. xoxoxo
Dear kahlua and harm reduction, I have been where you are several times in my life. Now, if you are rally having serious thoughts at this moment drive yourself or have a friend, to the ER tof the nearest hospital and tell them what is happening. They may only ask you to sit down and calm down, but it’s better than sitting in your room with your mind rotating around this thought. I did this before, sometimes in the middle of the night and it really helped. Next, seek help. Sister is right, you must try meds. The first,second or third batch may not do a lot, but that fourth may be like magic. You owe yourselves that. This l’wren thing has me keyed up too..But what I think is this. I had no money, few friends, a dysfunctional family and a smashed heart and I pulled out. Why couldn’t she? Such a gorgeous talented woman. Resources, friends, mick… Yes, a rarefied bird…I’m so glad I set my brain and heart on a recuperative path.i have had my days where I did not want to go further, these spells as I call them used to last days. Now, they last a few hours. I squeeze my cats, lay in bed in calm way, and let it pass. I know it can pass if I let it. As corny as this sounds I think of a storm cloud gliding over me, scary, threatening, dark. But, it will continue to slide away. You have to let it slide away. Calm yourselves.we are all here for you. Sister has a very big heart and broad shoulders…whatever is causing this pain is not worthy of your anguish…xxx
Sister, you are a beautiful soul. Your grief and sadness have touched so many people. I found your blog a while back and read all your older posts to better understand your story. I have two children who were addicted to heroin. Both clean now, one celebrating 10 yrs of sobriety. I share our past struggles with colleagues and friends because I hope I can help someone struggling with their child’s addiction. Our painful experiences can help others and I’ve wanted to reach out to you with a virtual hug for quite some time.
Today’s post inspired me to reach out NOW and not wait.
To your readers struggling with depression, addiction, or feelings of suicide – please ask for help. There are kind people everywhere who can help you. Tomorrow will be better.
Sending love and healing thoughts,
Arle
DJ – Thank you for the good advice and for your own big heart xoxo
Arle – Thank you so much for taking the time to write. It is great to hear about your sons. What a huge victory for each of them! Hugging you back, xoxo
thank you all. Sister, your words are much appreciated. DJ – I never thought of going to the er/a&e (here in uk). unfort my local one is closed due to budget cuts (!!) but I have been considering seeing my gp about this, so I might just need to take the step forward. the Scott thing – i guess I saw it in the other way – if she, with all her resources, success and friends around her couldn’t pull through, what chance do I have? but i guess she had her hidden demons too.
i started self harming again, after 5 years, having thought i put it behind me. it was disappointing to have reverted back to that as i thought i had moved beyond it. it is a pressure valve i guess, but i worry that it may reach a point where it is not enough. it is only supposed to be kids on tumblr who cut but i am nearly 32. it is embarrassing in a way. i am a writer and ironically I am supposed to be writing a self-help manual on confidence and success for a client. i am just trying to take one day at a time – give myself a start, middle and end, and not think too much about this black hole in my head. it is just really hard.
If only people could remember that it’s our vulnerability and need for love that binds us all together as humans.
Kahlua – YES, go to see your gp, I’m sure she knows enough about depression and anxiety to prescribe something for you. Some meds treat both conditions. I think lots of adults self-harm in some way, and it shouldn’t be cause for shame. One day at a time is great! That’s all you have to do.
32 is so young: I have said that I didn’t grow up til I was 33, and in many ways that is really true.
You have a a good brain that is making trouble for you. I believe meds will help you get a clearer perspective. The black hole will recede.
Remember that I need you to stick around!
Please-we all have to hang in there together!!!
Its hard, some days are terrible. But at least it is Spring, and there is fresh air to be had.
Which sounds simplistic, but some sunshine and fresh air will clear my head and make things seem less awful overall.
Poor L’wren had a bad combination of terrible things that all came together at once. It was just too many things to take.
Cheating bf who didnt care if she knew about it, then he left town for a tour where he would have more access to cheating.
Company that was just about to close due to financial issues.
And shame and guilt.
I would imagine the shame and guilt were the ones that really finished her off.
That tends to be the case. The things we concoct in our heads are always much worse than what the reality would be, if our dark secrets came into the light.
The shame and guilt I have are my guiding lights. They shouldnt be.
Harm, I hope you’ll believe me that you won’t always feel this way. Sister is way more articulate than I….please listen to her and believe that people do care.
Kahlua, I also thought that about L’Wren Scott. If she could kill herself with all those resources, all her money (I don’t care her business was floundering–she was still better off than most people) what chance do regular people have who are depressed? BUT think about all the people who have it really bad in the world. People are suffering from starvation and sickness and torture and they continue to fight. Think of the people who endured the Holocaust. They were gulping for air, literally, fighting with everything they had to live.
My cousin committed suicide by hanging last year. It was related to his alcohol addiction. No one had any idea he had any suicidal thoughts. Around midnight he made his mother a cup of tea, told her he loved her, and went outside to smoke a cigarette in the garage. They found him in the morning. I wish people would at least give us a chance to help them. If you feel like killing yourself, please tell someone. And not just here, on the Internet. In real life.
This really haunted me too. She must have been so desperate and alone that morning. No one will convince me that Mick Jagger isn’t in large part a cause.
“Don’t use a scarf. Don’t leave us here without you.”
Lovely and kind.
If anyone comes here, later- Ive been here to say, Im a abuse survivor from undiagnosed ADHD. I was so messed up at one point, I couldn’t read, understand words or leave the house. No one cared, and I nearly died.
Its been a long time since then, it was very very VERY hard. All the way. But now I have medication * 2 years- like glasses, for my brain!!!_ and a best friend, who suffered from bipolar, and was lonely ever, until he met me.
Now, Im cooking with gas! Ive someone to adore me( in whatever version we choose) until we die, and you know, its never too late to have a happy childhood.
Mines got lots of tutus!!!
love to you all xxoo