The night before last I stupidly watched a movie called Sisters, directed by some cunt named Douglas Buck.
I admit that I missed the beginning and since it was around 2 in the morning, I was somewhat medicated, ahem. But oh my god, what a piece of shit! Surely it rates as one of the worst movies of the decade and I don’t mean the kind of bad that’s so bad it’s good.
Who is this cunt Douglas Buck and why do people give him money to make films? Before we explore this mystery, let me give you a brief rundown on Sisters:
Lou Doillon, looking more like a horse than ever, is a nutcase who all but emits NUTCASE in neon letters over her head. A doctor played by Stephen Rhea as though striving for a bad acting award, is obsessed with the horse, as is Chloe Sevigny, who plays a reporter but looks like a lesbian college freshman. Weird flashbacks crank up the confusion, and the low budget is like a whole separate character, dominating every scene, Finally, Lou or someone stabs the doctor (or someone) and Chloe puts on Lou’s cheap wig to signify that she is nuts, too.
Back to Douglas Buck, the director. His IMDB credits are pretty sketchy. A forthcoming movie called “The Theatre Bizarre” features characters called “the Writer, Homeless Woman, Junkie Girl” and “Mere Antoinette.” He is credited as one of 6 directors. Even better, a movie he made in 2003 called “Prologue” has this logline:
A young woman returns home one year after losing her hands in a savage attack. She cannot remember who her assailant was, but a trip to the local post office leads her towards the truth.
Why, Douglas? Why are you so insistent on making awful puerile crap? Is this what you went to film school for? I can’t think of one good excuse for you unless you’re donating your fees to cancer research. I’m not saying you should lose your hands (in a savage attack); I’m just saying you’re a fucking cunt.
Haha. I feel strangely compelled to watch this now.
The original with Margot Kidder is good, dated but good.
HAHAHHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. I think you should make movie reviews a weekly occurrence. This movie truly is horrid.
AWESOME – best bad movie description of all time “after horrible, scarring, heinous shit a TRIP TO THE POST OFFICE makes it all clear.” Wow – aim for the unexpected there.
Lou Doillon, looking more like a horse than ever < HAHAH
You’ll be wise to avoid “Winter Of Frozen Dreams”. It was a while since I had to turn a movie off because it was so bad. But I did it and never looked back.
ana is right, a weekly movie review would be good for you. Plus if you wanna hear guys tear into movies on a weekly basis check out Spill.com. They are a riot!
“the low budget is like a whole separate character, dominating every scene”
This line almost made me choke on my oatmeal.
Yikes! This is why I stick to stuff like documentaries on cats. 😉 My dad teaches film at a university in LA & he says the students have terrible taste. They all want to make dark films filled with filth. Many of them have never seen movies like The Sound of Music. I blame the parents at least partially. My kids are both under the age of 5 & they’ve seen The Sound of Music & The Wizard of Oz. I mean, please. A person must have basic knowledge of the classics. 🙂
This is why I need to finish my film script. It make me mad this shit is peddled – ugh!
PS unless you have watched and understood The Wizard of Oz and the importance of story, plot and narrative then don’t bother making films – ever! It is only 7pm here and I’m not medicated….I like the sound of Nickie’s dad
I work at a film school and based upon your analysis, I would like to reach out to Mr. Buck and send him scholarship and grant info. Seems he could use the help.
In all fairness to Chloe, she can act (at least when she has enough to work with). I’ve never seen Lou in a film, but her older sister Charlotte is an excellent actress. I still love her as Jane Eyre.
Not sure how far my opinion counts, though- the first movie I remember watching was a Jackie Chan flick, not exactly high art. That and Tarka the Otter, I can’t remember which one came first.
Oh, wait- the thing above was a remake of a Brian De Palma original? When will people learn to stop that? Remakes nearly always suck.
I would have loved to watch the movie because I really like Chloe but now am scared the movie will turn me into a movie-hater-for-life which means I will never ever have a chance to appreciate other good movies out there. Thanks Sister W – sending you lots of love from the southern tip of Africa!
“The name’s Buck. And I like to Fuck.”
Now, THAT movie was good.
“Your name is Buck, right?”
“And you came here to fuck… right?”
*makes door-slamming motions*
Well, you learn something new to avoid every day.
My idea of a great movie is “Buena Vista Social Club”.
My very favourite movies are from the 1930’s, along the lines of “Day at the Races”, “Night at the Opera”, “The Thin Man”, and a little later “Arsenic & Old Lace”, “Bringing up Baby” et al.
All of these still make me laugh and still make me feel good.
Feeling good after a movie is good!!
Dru, by the sound of it, “Tarka the Otter” had to be 1000% better than Mr. Buck’s “Sisters”. Hell, I love otters. I would watch “Tarka the Otter” right now!
“My hands! What happened to my hands? And how shall I ever solve this hand-related mystery? I know…TO THE POST OFFICE!!!!!!”
Makes total sense.
P.s. speaking of crap movies, The Room is apparently getting re-released IN 3D!!!!!! Now I can feel closer to Tommy Wiseau’s butt that ever berfore.
“A young woman returns home one year after losing her hands in a savage attack. She cannot remember who her assailant was, but a trip to the local post office leads her towards the truth.”
And I will never put my hands near a postbox again. Tadaaa!
Oh dear – did I spoil it for anyone?
Zombie post boxes …. hannndddss … hannndddssss …..
Nickie’s dad ROCKS.
I am working through Alexandra Sokoloff’s great Screenwriting Tips for Authors (available on Kindle, or google her for her website). Good movies, novels, stories of any kind are structure, structure, structure and humans love a good, classic mythic story – Star Wars being one of many examples (the save the world/chosen one/hero’s quest storyline being really resonant to most of us). Dark filth merely for the sake of being dark and nastay shows a lack of creativity and understanding of human art and culture.
You lot simply do not understand film-making. The character with no hands, Ms. Lavi Andronicus, is going to the Post Office to post a really important letter upon which the whole plot depends. Unfortunately, she faces the difficutly of how to stick the stamp on the envelope without any hands! The tension of this moment is one of the most famous scenes in the history of film-making. Will she lick it? and how will she stick it? are the two questions which keep audiences on the edge of their seats. I refuse to divulge the outcome, you will just have to see it for yourselves, but ‘wonderful’ isn’t the word!
Finally I would like to wish all you FoS (Friends of Sis) a splendid Christmas and New Year. As for you, Sis, I wish you a steady resupply of courage, just in case the almost inexhaustible stocks of the virtue which you obviously possess, runs short.
I like Chloe and I think Lou is beautiful, so i honestly would no mind seeing this movie just to look at them, but I guess the vehemence of your hate for the film must be a sign for me to stay clear of it…
Artful Lawyer- interesting you mention Alexandra Sokoloff, I read a book by her last month that made me think she should stick to screenwriting (and the book in question dealt with dark, nastay stuff and was boring, as most novelisations-of-movies tend to be)
Cricket9- do see it if you can, my five-year-old memory might not be v. accurate but I remember liking it a lot, the otter goes through a tough time though. When I grew up, I read that the film was based on a book whose author was a WWI veteran- he had a horrible time in the trenches and retreated to the English countryside afterwards, and wrote there.
annemarie and damaia- that is one of my favourite movies ever. Why bother with a weapon when you can simply haul the bastard over the threshold and use the door, ha!
Constance- I actually like Lou’s looks too. I’ve never thought of her as an actress, though I looked this one up online and she seems to have some decent reviews (the film got panned though).
In defence of the dark and nasty stuff- I love horror movies, I’m about to pop one into my computer to watch just now and I expect to be scared witless. And good horror movies can be fantastic. I just don’t think I’ll ever be strong enough to watch stuff like Saw or The Human Centipede, their appeal escapes me even if they’re technically fantastic in terms of plot, performances etc. But nastiness for the sake of nastiness is never worth watching on screen.
(apologies for the epic length of the comment)
Also, as Artful Lawyer mentions, good, classic mythic stories tend to reel us in- I’m a sucker for Joseph Campbell’s ideas. But a formula is still a formula, and it’s possible to fuck up its use and make a boring waste of space out of it (e.g. the dreadful, derivative Star-Wars ripoff Eragon)
That line about Lou Doillon! Aha haha!
As far as this director and his heinous films: I don’t understand why “talent” like this is encouraged.
Dru, I love horror movies, but not blood and dismemberment for the sake of it. “Rosemary’s Baby” is csary enough, especially creepy husband. Giant rats, crazy bees, piranhas etc – no appeal whatsoever. Joseph Campbell is great, and I sob my heart out when animals fall on hard times. The Human Centipede? I’m scared enough of a regular centipede, thanks!
@Mr. Duff: that play by The Bard is rather insufferable; I’m guessing that the outcome will be: everyone dies in a horrible way, some people are baked in a pie and eaten by their unsuspecting relatives at a banquet. Applause!
Cricket9- animals falling on hard times make me cry too. But I’m with you on the giant rats, crazy bees and piranhas- I can take a monster movie or two (Godzilla), but as horror-film material, they’re useless. Humans are scarier than anything else the animal kingdom could come up with.
(in case you’re ever in the mood for it, the film I was watching last night was Pulse(2001))
I can’t wait for your round-up of the year’s best films you haven’t seen!
I’m so glad I’m not the only person who hated this movie. I’m honestly ashamed to say I watched the entire thing. By the end, I kind of wanted to stab my eyes with the fork on my night stand, but then I couldn’t finish watching the train wreck that is Sisters. Obviously, you can see my dilemma.