I Miss Him Too Much

It’s been nearly a year and I’m surprised to still be here. I swore I’d go after him if he left. But things are complicated.

June 6 will be a year. I know it’s just a day on the calendar but still I feel the weight of its significance. I have to go to the grave, where I’ve had to pay for a granite marker. I don’t think I can bear it but I have to. I haven’t been back since we buried him. Mostly because I pretend he’s around, maybe in another room or maybe in New York, where he lived for so many years.

When no one can hear me, I whisper to him and beg him to come back. Maybe he’ll hear me and change his mind.

I’ll miss him every day for as long as I live. It’s better when I stay in denial.

I wish I could hug him and smell him. I’ve been reading all the email we sent to each other: All the links to things we thought were funny or enlightening or stupid, all the mp3’s he sent me, all our complaints and  encouragement. Thank god for email. It’s so full of our relationship. It’s a way to spend time with him. It’s something to treasure.

If I have to keep living, maybe I can do something that Max would be proud of, or maybe I can help with suicide prevention. In the end, even though I know there’s no god or heaven or hell, I know we’ll be together.

Some days are easier than others.   I’m still thinking about the Bitter Intellectuals project. Max would love it. We need a url to get started.   Just try to bear with me while I work through the bad days.   xoxo

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60 Responses to I Miss Him Too Much

  1. hammiesays says:

    I was in Nerja Spain when I heard that Max was gone. I was there a few days later when I heard my Aunty Glen had passed too. My cousin (her daughter) had a lot of time to nurse my Aunty through the last horrible ravages of cancer and to see her off. You didn’t. I don’t know if it will help or hinder you to read what she is feeling a year later. I want to visit that church in Nerja where Max and Aunty Glen live with the painted statues that both of you would get such a laugh out of. I chose a camp black jesus in a very ornate gown for Max. And my Aunty Glen has a smallish shepherd boy riding a dolphin while leading a sheep. Hearing the mass in Spanish and watching everyone sitting and standing and kneeling is so comforting and helps. When I go I will light another electric candle for Max. And one for you xx

  2. aloix says:

    I mostly lurk, rarely comment.

    But, I couldn’t not tell you that I’ve thought of you often, and I’m sending you extra good thoughts during this difficult time.

  3. EJ says:

    I fell asleep thinking of you on the day that I read this post, but realised today that I forgot to comment. Wait, does that sound really creepy? I’m thinking of you on this difficult day. I don’t think anything I can say will really help, but please remember that we are all thinking of you.

  4. bearing with you here… 🙂
    i think you should do this bitter intellectuals thing- i’m really intrigued by the concept.
    bless you, SW.

  5. Audi says:

    Much love to you SW; I’m sending many wishes for strength and courage your way. My thoughts are with you.

    I for one am thrilled at the idea of your Bitter Intellectuals project. I’m still fuming over a commercial I saw recently where a man says, “It was like the white elephant in the room.” WTF?!!

  6. Angeshirl says:

    Hi Sister Wolf,

    Only started reading your blog recently! Can’t believe I never found it before. I’m thinking of you today, Dad’s year anniversary is in 3 weeks too. I lost him the same way, I feel your pain and I am sending you love and strength as much as I can xxxxx

  7. dana says:

    p.s. My daughter found the first fireflies of the year on June 6. They are magic, and healing, and soul releasing. I thought of you and Max. Much love

  8. Kathleen says:

    Hard to believe that a year has gone by. I hope carrying the grief and pain gets easier. It never goes away…. which says that Max was worth it. I wish I could dilute your pain with words. Peace & grace, K

  9. Kathleen says:

    Hard to believe that a year has gone by. I hope carrying the grief and pain gets easier. It never goes away…. which says that Max was worth it. Please continue to share Max with us. I wish I could dilute your pain with words. Peace & grace, K

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