It’s been nearly a year and I’m surprised to still be here. I swore I’d go after him if he left. But things are complicated.
June 6 will be a year. I know it’s just a day on the calendar but still I feel the weight of its significance. I have to go to the grave, where I’ve had to pay for a granite marker. I don’t think I can bear it but I have to. I haven’t been back since we buried him. Mostly because I pretend he’s around, maybe in another room or maybe in New York, where he lived for so many years.
When no one can hear me, I whisper to him and beg him to come back. Maybe he’ll hear me and change his mind.
I’ll miss him every day for as long as I live. It’s better when I stay in denial.
I wish I could hug him and smell him. I’ve been reading all the email we sent to each other: All the links to things we thought were funny or enlightening or stupid, all the mp3’s he sent me, all our complaints and encouragement. Thank god for email. It’s so full of our relationship. It’s a way to spend time with him. It’s something to treasure.
If I have to keep living, maybe I can do something that Max would be proud of, or maybe I can help with suicide prevention. In the end, even though I know there’s no god or heaven or hell, I know we’ll be together.
Some days are easier than others. I’m still thinking about the Bitter Intellectuals project. Max would love it. We need a url to get started. Just try to bear with me while I work through the bad days. xoxo
My thoughts turn to you both often, you know, but on June 6 I’ll be thinking those thoughts all day, and hoping they get to you somehow through the vortex.
Hang on, Sister Wolf. There are people in this world who need and love you. And I’m glad for you that you have the emails and tangible things from your relationship with him, even if, right now and in a way, it seems to add to the pain. My 21-year old son has very little to say to me, unless I manage to ask exactly the right question at exactly the right time.
I also think that alternating between denial and allowing yourself to feel the pain is the healthiest way to deal with things. Some part of you knows what you need to do.
I just tried “bitterintellectuals.com” in my url line, and got a “Sorry, Page Not Found” message. Maybe you should claim it while you can; and sign me up.
The pictures above are beautiful. Did you do that?
sending virtual hugs, SW. i think you have extraordinary strength and courage to share your feelings about something so heartbreaking.
hang in there x
Sending you so much love and hugs Sister, please hang on in there – you are so loved. I can’t imagine this pain would get any easier, no matter how many weeks, months or years go by… you are beyond any kind of brave I can even imagine or comprehend. Thinking of you now, as I will be on June 6 🙁 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Dark days indeed sister, but hang on in there – we are all out here & our thoughts are with you & Max. x
Dearest Sister Wolf, you will never forget nor be in grief but out of something tragic and untimely you can keep a memory, a spirit – alive. Bitter Intellectuals is such a great idea for an online ‘zine’ (you know I’m joking ref the zine) and any work on helping others would be wonderful.
I wish I could do anything to change it all. We will all be weeping with you on the 6th, please go on and on about it all as much as you want/need.
Nothing can change the heartbreak but it can heal a bit and you have others to love and who love you too. Max would rather you were here to carry on and be strong for both of you.
I always light a candle for you and Max and I hope the clumsily expressed words here are of some comfort or meaningful on whatever level. I don’t pretend to know your pain, I can only guess but as I always say you have made me a better mother. xxxxx
I love you and I am here for you, Sister Wolf. Thank you for sharing Max with us. I am better for having both of you in my life.
It’s been a long, hard year and I’m not sure how you found the strength to get through parts of it, but I’m grateful every day that you have. I light candles all the time for you and yours, and I know they will only shine brighter on June 6. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day, as you have for the last 360 days before. We who love you unequivocally support you, I hope you can in some small way feel it.
With you always xxoo
xoxoxoxoxoxo! My thoughts are with you. Much love!
Best wishes, energy, thoughts, everything us atheists send to each other in every way, now through the 6th and beyond.
I will subscribe to the bitters when you’ve got it up.
I’m thinking of you. xx
I am so glad you are still here. I know the pain you feel. My mother’s anniversary of her suicide just passed. It’s hard to believe it’s been 16 years. I never thought I’d still be here either. It’s always a very difficult time of the year for me.
I remember saving a tissue that she had blotted her lipstick on, I remeber keeping clothing just so I could smell her. Somehow, all those things comforted me and at the same time kept me in the sorrow. When I go through some of it, it always has a different effect on me. Sometimes I laugh histerically, sometimes the sadness is so deep, I feel that my heart weighs a million pounds, and is about to explode. I don’t go there too much anymore because I feel it’s too dangerous for me to visit. I know Max doesn’t want you to feel pain, and is dancing and laughing (and playing music) with my mom. Max wants you to continue to live your life and not be sad for him. He is free and happy, and wants you to love life and be there for the people who love you. You are beautiful, and I’m proud of you!
Thinking of you with love and compassion. we need you in the world, sister x
I wonder if love, good wishes and admiration can reach you through the grand aether of the internet, Sister. I really hope they do.
xoxo
To quote you: “keep living, we need you.”
hug. so sorry. forever sorry. he IS with you. keep believing it.
No
words
just sitting here, breathing with you, supporting your beautiful self,
perhaps
holding you at times.
You are perfect, and so is your grief.
We’re here for you, SW. Whatever you end up doing, I’m sure he’d be more than proud.
You’re in my thoughts always. Lots of love to you.
I love you and I am here for you, Sister Wolf. Thank you for sharing Max with us. I am better for having both of you in my life.
It’s been a long, hard year and I’m not sure how you found the strength to get through parts of it, but I’m grateful every day that you have. I light candles all the time for you and yours, and I know they will only shine brighter on June 6. Do whatever you need to do to get through the day, as you have for the last 360 days before. We who love you unequivocally support you, I hope you can in some small way feel it.
With you always xxoo
Hello, I’m fairly new to your writings but like what I see. Just wanted to pass on my best wishes at such a tough time x
Brave, brave lady. Stay strong – the best thing you can do is not let this horrible horrible thing take you too. And as for suicide prevention outreach, that’s a beautiful idea. x
He IS with you. And yes, keep pretending that he’s in New York, do what ever it takes to make you keep putting one foot in front of the other (((hug)))
Ali x
I find denial works for me, most of the time anyway. Do whatever you need to do to keep on living. Love you.
xoxo Janet
You are more of an inspiration than you could ever understand or imagine and its the fact that you don’t realize these things that makes you special.
Thank you for being my daily reminder of what is important in this life and what is not xxx
Much love, SW. Do you really HAVE to go to the grave? What if you don’t, and go only when you are ready? Protect your broken heart as much as you can…Max wouldn’t care about the granite marker, he would want to spare you more pain. (((Hugs)))
Ah shit.
Sending you much love
Andra…xoxoxoxox
I think the idea of you helping out with suicide prevention is grand. It sounds satisfying and helpful to your healing process. Big hugs, you are always in my thoughts.
Sister Wolf please help me, my brother committed suicide at 20 in1981. My son is now 21 and is a heroin addict. I don’t know what to do. Please advise asap. Thank you!
How can it be nearly a year already? And yet at the same time, only a year.
We didnt bury my Mom. she was cremated. And Dad has never offered me ashes for myself at my house. But some have been scattered.
You know that Max isnt at/in the grave, nor is my Mom IN the ashes.
Which is why I dont freak out that I have none of them.
She is everywhere, as is Max.
love to you, always.
xxx
Being a great mom isn’t about being the most selfless, buying the most shoes, or being the coolest, or even about being able to stop your own kid or somebody else’s from making the tragic decision to take their own life.
–I think being a great mom, a great person, which you obviously are, is about being one whole person–integrated parts experiencing everything to the maximum level. Your anger, courage, honesty, humor, and even your doubt would make for one of the best moms I could imagine. You burn bright.
I’ve said it one here before, but: I struggle with suicidal ideation everyday after a life of trauma and mental illness. You refuse to sugarcoat the pain you’ve endured or to wear a martyr badge, and your frankness has finally made me see what giving in to suicide would do to those who love me, even if I’m not always able to love them back like I should.
Suicide prevention work can be hell if you have experience with it (I tried doing hotline volunteering, unwisely, but it’s hard to talk a fellow rich man into heaven or something like that). It could be a constant reminder of personal pain. But for someone as ostensibly strong as you are, keeping the memory alive might only fuel you to help people more and more.
Suicide is still such a mystery to most of us, and if you could look that “great unknown” in the face through activism, you’d be exploring something most of us, even the most suicidal, fear and refuse–the thought that it could really be prevented in the worst of worst times. Sisyphean tasks are the most noble.
it’s been a year… you came a long way, Max would be proud.
Love
Sending you love and wishing you peace.
xoxoxoxo
I’m quite sure you can feel the collective love that is flowing to you from all over the world.
We will walk with you every day, every step of the way.
Never forget that.
Love, love, love
There’s a song popular in my home town (Liverpool, UK) called ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ sung by a sixties group called Gerry & the Pacemakers, Over the last year I’ve always thought of you and the many people who follow Godammit when I’ve heard it, because it’s true – candles will be lit all over the world on the 6th of June for you and Max.
Much love, d.
My dear Sister Wolf, I’m sending all my love your way.
Dear sister wolf, my thoughts are with you at this trying time. Just feel all the love in the preceeding messages, you are appreciated and you are treasured. I have a feeling max appreciated and treasured you too.
You’re often in my thoughts and shall be in my prayers and thoughts on the 6th.
I don’t think you have to go to the grave on the 6th, it’s just another pressure on top of your deep sadness. Please just do whatever you have to, to get through the hours / day.
xxx
I am empathetic: anniversaries of bereavements are horrible, weird things. My father passed ten years ago this week, and I just had no idea how to feel. It seemed significant in one sense, and yet really it was just another day minus him. It seemed like I ought to mark it somehow, but then that sounded too much like I could ever, ever forget. It felt so small and pointless in the face of life without him.
I think really all you can do is what you have been doing – sharing, and I can say that your honesty and openness about what you’re going through is genuinely helpful to me, moreso than any book on bereavement, sympathetic nodding, or mumbled embarrassed words of condolence. Knowing that you understand the level of heartbreak one is exposed to when someone you love dies, and not being afraid to express it, has been immensely comforting. People could stand to be more honest, particularly about death and our reactions to it, and you are and for that you are a wonderful human being. Please stay. xxxxx
Oh Sister Wolf, I think you miss him just the perfect amount. How could it be any other way? Such fortitude, such love. If I knew you personally I’d want to come to your house and ask you to tell me about Max, show me pictures, tell me stories. But you can do that here! Please continue!
xoxo
Everyday, I hope it will get easier for you and everyone who has lost someone. I hope you hear something that makes you laugh or smile today. Lots of love.
Such beautiful comments xo
Don’t you worry, my baby girl. Everything is good. Some just need early release. You’ll always be with each other.
Love always and forever,
Mommy
If you go, and I know you must, please put a stone on Max’s grave for me.
Love
Andra
Gorgeous pictures. Anniversaries are gut-wrenching, but I can’t think of a better way to honor his memory than by going through emails and remembering your treasured exchanges. Know that you are doing good in the world and, I venture to say, you would make him quite proud…I come to your blog, first thing, for a dose of sanity. And Bitter Intellectuals sounds like url heaven…it can’t come soon enough. Sending my best thoughts to you, and hoping you know that you do a lot of people a lot of good just with your daily candor, musings and humor. xoxo
Thinking of you daily. Please do whatever is in your power to stay afloat. Continue to be inspired by Max’s being.
I could not even fathom the grief and the pain. Do what you need to do to keep going. I’m sending love your way.
i’m very new to the blog and have no right, but I do want to reach out and send you something… my sympathies, and hopes for healing, though I too cannot fathom.
I wish there was something I could do or say to take the pain away. I’m so sorry, lovely. Keep that beautiful chin up xxx
I think a project that he would have enjoyed/appreciated is a great idea.
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I am always taken aback by how real all this is.
I cannot even begin to imagine your grief and longing to be with your child. I have never felt such a loss and I don’t think “I feel for your suffering” even comes close to summing up your current state. Even though we’ve never met/will meet, I can only hope you will learn to live with your “new normal” and try to forge ahead and take all life has to offer.
I don’t believe in an afterlife either. But, I do believe in you. Chin up, and keep on keepin’ on.
I didn’t know it was a year as I am new to the blog, I thought it was longer. I am sitting here crying while reading this post. I know you opened my eyes on so many things about life and for that I say thank you. Just think about the beautiful moments you had together you and Max. thinking about you, love, candy