Leave My Vag Out Of It


In the last week, to my great dismay, two women I know have imposed the V word on me. I realize that by admitting a dislike for it, I am inviting an endless barrage of V word comments and messages, but that’s the price of public dissent. I can’t stand to hear the word, even though I don’t really have a good one to offer in exchange. It bothers me so much that I cringe when someone says “ginormous”, a supid word even without the V thing. “Angina”: not good either. The idea of actually sitting through a performance of The V Monologues is too horrible to contemplate. I know I’d have a stroke, or a complete mental breakdown, if not both.

It’s not because I’m squeamish! And I’m not a prude. But I do have a sensitivity to words that those funny Germans even have a word for: sprachgefuhl. It is a gift and a curse, like so many things. So I’m gonna use that as my excuse. God knows I like having a V, it just doesn’t wanna do a monologue. It might be up for a dialogue, but that is off-topic.

When I was around six years old, my sister and I went to visit our cousins, Diane and Carol, who were slightly younger. We taught them the V word, which we thought was pronounced “pagina.” All four of us ran around laughing our heads off. We called each other Mr. and Mrs. Pagina, until the adults made us stop. The reason I remember this so clearly is that my sister and I were banished from our cousins house for the next 10 years! And clearly with good reason: Diane grew up to be a militant lesbian, and Carol ran away to join a hippie commune. The pagina is that powerful!

Okay, so what word would I like instead? That’s a problem. Love Canal would be okay, except I think that’s the name of some place full of carcinogenic toxins or something. Crotch is okay, but maybe not. That sounds like some place that either itches, or you get kicked in it.

I once came into posession of some email correspondence between two people who were married to others. Their letters were hilarious, and wonderful in every way. A favorite quote among my friends is the part where the man recalls making out in one of their offices: when he stroked her thigh (it might have even been her “pantihose”!) he “thought about that little bit of heaven between [your] legs…..”

Ha! I happen to know that he never did gain entry in that LBOH. I think I will have to go with “Honeypot”. It’s silly, it’s affectionate, Winnie the Pooh was down with it, and it reminds me of “Candy” by Terry Southern, still the filthiest book I’ve ever read.

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9 Responses to Leave My Vag Out Of It

  1. Jacqui says:

    Just do like the repressed mothers from the 50s do: just say “down there” and everyone will know what you’re talking about without! So simple!

  2. The Dude says:

    The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Yes, they don’t like hearing it and find it difficult to say. Whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his “dick” or his “rod” or his “Johnson”.

  3. Max says:

    I propose: cooch

  4. Harper says:

    Believe me, some women are uncomfortable with the word, too. shudder.
    “Down there” sounds good to me. Well, not “good”, but not bad, you know?

  5. noway says:

    Why can’t we just grow up and use the word the way it was supposed to be used? Its not a derogatory term, its medical. So is ear, mouth, bellybutton, anus, and toes.

    The reason why people feel uncomfortable the world is because of its limited use. Don’t give it stupid names, please.

  6. Elena says:

    anus is another bad one. i prefer “poopchute.” I think “vagina” as a word simply sucks, but so does “penis” as names go. “honeypot” and “stiffy” work for me. c’mon. vagina sounds nothing like victory or vehement or any other cool “v” words. the “g” completely screws it up. no resonance at all.

  7. QMulisss says:

    If we as women can’t name our own body parts, how can we expect our daughters to overcome the use of such words as cunt and pussy as mainstream insults. Yes, a man can call another a prick but to all him a pussy is the ultimate insult in their view. We have to name our vaginas to claim them and decide where, how and if they are used. The same goes for everything that comes out of them, menstrual blood and the people that whole system enables us to create.

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