Narcissists and Psychopaths

Against my better judgment, I joined an online support group for people estranged from their adult children. Sure enough, the expression “misery loves company” proved to be wholly inaccurate. It was like being submerged in a vat of hurt and anger. There was no upside, at least not for me.

Without exception, the members were female, which itself is depressing. Don’t dads care about being banished ? Do they prefer to suffer privately? Or is it largely mothers who are the target of estrangement? The mothers seemed to want guidelines on how to proceed on their Journey, ahem, and seemed willing to act on the advice of total strangers. Most were in agony: How could this happen! they wondered. Some were so bitter that they proudly renounced the children who had renounced them first.

Some seemed pretty nuts, evidenced by long sagas of petty squabbles and resentments. And yet even they didn’t fit the description of narcissism, the premiere accusation of estranged adult children. The narcissist mother is usually the villain of the piece. It’s probably more satisfying than just saying I can’t stand my mom. Here’s my private joke for a anyone enmeshed in this situation:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because she’s a narcissist.

I subscribe to a newsletter from a well-known expert on family estrangement, and one of the latest was titled “Is My Child a Psychopath?”. I laughed out loud, and who wouldn’t? What an extreme and somehow apt counter to the assumption that your mom is a narcissist.

If being labeled a narcissist isn’t bad enough, there’s now a new kind of narcissist you can be, if you exhibit the exact opposite behavior of narcissists! I thought someone made this up, but no, there’s now a diagnosis called Covert Narcissism, where instead of being shameless and insensitive, you are hypersensitive and filled with shame. To me, this is like finding a new kind of depression that is defined by being happy.

Fuck this, right?

Likewise, calling people psychopaths because they won’t act how you want them to is a pointless proposition. I believe I know only one psychopath and their behavior is pretty psychopathic by any standard. I think we should save this label for only the most deserving.

The worst thing about the support group was the sappy self-care platitudes and the icky affirmation memes or whatever they’re called:

These things make me more despondent, but they seem integral to the Self Help Industrial Complex™. People seem to love them. They remind me how averse I am to positivity.

You know that expression “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”? It strikes me as more of an AA aphorism than something Einstein would say. Most of us are doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result. Only Sisyphus knows and accepts that repeating his efforts is useless. The definition of sanity is cultural and keeps changing, but I hope at least some of us can escape being labeled narcissists and psychopaths.

Let’s use gentler language when throwing around diagnoses. Yesterday, I kindly explained to someone who was arguing with me, “You perceive disagreement as an attack, because of your fragile personality structure.” Try saying that during a dispute.  It’s the kind of thing I love, but also the kind of thing that got me kicked out of the support group. Oh well.

( btw C.W., if you are reading this, I love you so much, you can’t imagine.)