Owen Wilson: Boo Hoo


What’s so funny about Owen Wilson’s suicide attempt? I’m not sure, but an ABC news anchor couldn’t stop laughing when she had to report it.

Is it because Owen Wilson is such a jerk? Or because he is so privileged that the idea of his ‘pain’ just seems ludicrous? Is it his nose, or his hairdo?

Two of my friends dismissed my guilt for not caring about Owen Wilson by refuting my weak claim that He is a person, after all! Apparently the consensus is, no, he isn’t. What I’m wondering is, where are his band-aids? His wrists appear to be in perfect shape, as seen in some blown-up paparazzi photos. Where are the cuts, Owen? Did you even break the skin?

People who want to end their lives should jump out of windows or go visit Phil Spector. Poor Owen has only increased his problems by acting like a pussy (with all due respect, or course.) There are loads of suicide chat-rooms he could have logged  into for some decent advice. There, he could have found support and suggestions for how to ‘take the bus,’ or whatever term for death they’re using now.

Until someone tells me a good Owen Wilson joke, here’s mine. Owen Wilson goes into an emergency room, and the doctor says, Why the long face?

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