Palin Shmalin: We’re Making Progress!

That horrible Palin woman is finally unraveling before our eyes, and I can only think it’s the brave members of PAP Smear who are behind this holy miracle!

Today, Tanning-gate (the news that Mrs. P installed a tanning bed in the governor’s mansion) spread like wildfire across cyberspace.   Is this the famously frugal governor who tried to sell a plane on eBay? Or is it the nutty behavior of an ex-beauty queen who puts her looks before cancer? I LOVE IT.

I also love how her claim that Alaska produces 20% of the country’s energy has been debunked: that figure would actually be 3%.

Troopergate: Now she refuses to speak to investigators because she says the whole investigation is “tainted.” Of course it’s tainted, you lying moron! It’s tainted by your own deceitful machinations.

While all this wonderful shit is hitting the fan, I am secretly a little in awe of Mrs. P. Earlier this evening, I decided to be Sarah Palin, and it was much harder than I expected. Both of my sons were hanging out, burning or ripping CD’s, but neither of them wanted to stop for a moment to take a photo for me. It took a lot of whining on my part, a phone-call to my husband to allow the use of his camera, complaints from one son while the other started lecturing that no one walks the dog enough.

Giving up on the photo, I started cooking dinner. Somehow, the cross-complaining and phone-calling got me so anxious that I dropped a steak on the floor while trying to flip it over. I screamed and washed it off before returning it to the frying pan.   The sons walked the dog together and ate the steaks, but I was through trying to be Sarah Palin.

I have no idea how this bitch manages a household of four children and one grandchild, a job, rifles and hunting knives, a tanning bed and who know how much else.   Oh god, I forgot about going to church. This bitch is a damn efficient multitasker, let us give her that.

But even as we watch the lies come to light, the stupidity on display as she refuses to speak to members of the press, we must remain vigilant, PAP Smear members! It will be a wild ride of swiftboating as election day looms closer. We need to continue to cause trouble for Palin, no matter how golden her tan.

Has anyone got anything to report? Someone will take the minutes, maybe Bex or Najda? Okay good. We are very very lucky to have Imelda Matt on board, and I don’t need to tell you about his work with a taser. Annemarie, can you create an important position for Imelda? She has the experience we need, and she MAY even be able to see Russia or some other big land mass from her bedroom window!

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31 Responses to Palin Shmalin: We’re Making Progress!

  1. Skye says:

    Ooh yes, there is definitely some kind of vital role for a taser toting despot to take.

    Sister Wolf, I’m guessing the secret of her multi-tasking is an array of hapless serfs of some kind (oompa loompas? brainwashed muskrats? an army of the undead?) – you’re first mistake was trying to do it all yourself. You’re second mistake was forgetting to broil yourself instead of the steaks!

  2. Juri says:

    20% .. 3% .. what’s the difference. Numbers are stupid, anyway. What matters is that Palin, as Grandpa was kind enough to point out a couple of weeks ago, “probably knows more about energy than anyone else in this country”.

    If they win, she’ll probably install a tanning bed in the white house and lure Grandpa to give it a go between his afternoon nap and evening medication. No one can say “NO” to the book burning beauty queen from Alaska. Not even Grandpa. Next thing we know he has a fifth round of skin cancer and Palin can assume the throne.

    That picture is otherwise perfect but where is your gun??? You’ve got Jesus by your side, all right, but are you sure He will be powerful enough to protect you when someone attacks your home while you’re cooking?

    I just realized I can see Russia from my coach, on TV. I sometimes even see Belgium and China! I wonder if Palin could appoint me to some nice job in the administration, like she appointed that High School classmate of hers, a real estate agent, to the State Division of Agriculture, because she loved cows as a child. I liked cats, chickens and horses!

  3. OMGGMAB says:

    Just let me point out that Sarah is more versatile than ever, as apparently she also breast feeds and pumps her milk for baby Trig. Never mind that the little tyke hasn’t been seen with her since the end of the RNC. She always has lactating Bristol to care for the babe. So add this to the multitask list.

    Skirtboard this woman now! She makes us all look bad!

  4. annemarie says:

    I have three important positions from which Imelda Matt can choose. These positions must be filled today, so other prospectives are invited to apply.

    1. Palin’s talking head. This is the lady who goes on TV and complains that Oprah won’t interview her boss. I suppose she’s a “rep” or spokesperson of sorts. Imelda Matt principle tasks will be fielding questions about Palin’s choice of slutty shoes (those red patent pumps were DREADFUL!), hairdo (what does that hive secretly contain?), and lipstick.

    2. The Ex-Nanny. Palin’s Ex-Nanny. Yes, that’s right, the one who will sell her story to US Weekly, I mean United States Weekly. Maybe Mark wants this job though? What if we made the nanny a MANNY? Ah! YES!

    3. The EX-MANNY! Who not only has salacious details to share about the Palin household, but also engaged in many sexual acts with Sassy Sarah and Todd! Fuck it, Bristol and Levi too! Why not!

    This is terribly exciting. Imelda as the Talking Head, Mark as the Ex-Manny– how about it?

  5. definitely missing the gun, but I think the Jesus is a nice touch.
    well done.

  6. kellie says:

    she didnt sell the plane on ebay!!!!

    She sold it to a campaign contributor of hers AT A LOSS TO THE STATE!!!!

  7. honeypants says:

    Are those MOOSE steaks by any chance??? You’re right about how well she multi-tasks. I finally understand why she has to shoot wolves from a plane — she doesn’t have time to sneak around on the ground, tracking and stalking them. That takes way too long! The photo, as always, is perfection.

  8. I think that photo should be the official PAP Smear screen saver.

  9. Bex says:

    *mumble* mumble* sorry, out on “recon”…did she engineer the fall of Wall Street?

  10. OMGGMAB says:

    The Wall Streeters are just so bowled over by Sarah’s illustrious persona that they forgot to pay attention to trading! Once the gaga ends, things will swing back to normal, I’m sure.

    Meanwhile, I am wondering if perhaps Trig is nursed by a mama wolf whose cubs were taken out by an air shooting. . .

  11. You do know that her oldest son, Track, was shipped off to Iraq to cover up his 2-year addiction to OxyContin, among other drugs, don’t you?

  12. hammie says:

    Was it a tanning bed, or some kind of a re-charging unit for her giant batteries? Because no woman could do all that and be a mother to her children. So I’m thinking Fembot.
    As for you Mama Wolf, the 30 second rule applies to all food stuffs that land on your immaculate floor.

  13. OMGGMAB says:

    Didn’t hear about that drug addiction thing, but what the hell! If the military doesn’t cure him, I’m sure that “big ole Jesus fish” he had tatooed on his leg will buy him some good karma.

    Aren’t the Palins just the all American family? Where I come from they are referred to as trailer trash! Let’s put them to the curb!

  14. Max says:

    Slander! Let the record show that I lamented the lack of dog-walking well after the photos were taken.

    I salute your creditible impersonation of Sarah Palin, right down to the deliberate falsification of history.

  15. Jesus Christ you look fantastic.

    Oh, and you look hot too, sw. Heh heh.

    Next post title: Palin’ into insignificance.

  16. annemarie says:

    How come no-one applied for the jobs I posted? Don’t you know how hard good jobs are to come by in an economy like this?

  17. enc says:

    I’ve got nothing on Palin, but I saw some staunch talking head saying “The press is trying to DESTROY Palin” on tv, and I nearly screamed: GOOD! HURRY UP AND DESTROY!” but I was in the locker room at the gym where I work, and decided I might be better off keeping my mouth shut.

  18. enc says:

    (they have tvs in the gym locker room.)

  19. teheheh you look so cute with eyeglasses.

    jesus approves of your steak washing.

    sarah palin, i am sure, may have a lot of toast on her plate, but she’s buttering everying really thin. whereas you have less toast but you treat each piece with care! and u got damn steak on ur toast.

    i make no sense. i should go back to doing my econometrics assignment.

  20. Imelda Matt says:


    My first order of business – these gruesome rubber sole slides

    For the love the little baby Jesus in his Christmas crib she was on ‘official’ State business…cover up man sized trotters and don’t fake the ‘hive’ with a hair clip…what’s next, a fucking switch?

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    Skye -silly me, I’m afraid of skin cancer!

    Juri – please move here, we need you. Who is available to marry Juri so he can get a green card??

    OMGGMAB – I love that big ol’ tattoo. All ol’ things are great, like Grandpa McCain.

    annemarie – yes, yes. Mark, achtung! You are the ex-Manny.

    atomic ovaries – Why the fuck didn’t I buy my kids any toy guns?? Now I’m suffering for it!

    Kellie – Good, you have done your homework!

    iheartfashion -DUH!!! Isn’t he a serial killer too?

    Honeypants – and I’m taking that wolf shit personally.

    Fashionherald -Hahaha, thanks!

    Hammie – Immaculate is the EXACT way to describe my kitchen floor.

    Bex -OF COURSE it was her, let us get the word out.

    alittlelux – thank you, good work.

    Max – show me the transcripts! otherwise I’m not budging.

    Nick – this is my new look, I’m glad it’s working for you.

    enc -very swanky gym. Is it full of, you know, Them??

    Miss Wombat – You’re drunk with love!

    Imelda Matt- hahahahahaha! god you’re good. You will have those fuckers running for cover, even without your tasers.

  22. honeypants says:

    Thanks Imelda Matt! What marvelous evidence!

    In other news, my T-Shirt and buttons arrived yesterday. Sadly, the font is so teensy on the buttons you need a magnifying glass to read it. However, I already gave 5 out to some co-workers, who are already (like me) wearing them proudly!

    Mr. Pants will be wearing his baseball shirt to work tomorrow as soon as I wash it in super hot water in an attempt to shrink it a little. Hurray!

  23. Good good good PAP tastic news – hope springs eternal.

  24. Danielle says:

    Re: Imelda Matt’s comment

    I thought the same thing when I saw that photo. I was like, “REALLY??!” I mean, she OBVIOUSLY has amazing taste in footwear, wearing Naughty Monkey and all. I almost wrote a blog post about that photo and where you can get similar shoes, but alas, the site I work for doesn’t have anything resembling those plastic hooves. HA!

  25. Julie Scott says:

    My daughter moved to Alaska in 2004, and she told me a while back that everyone in Alaska does the tanning bed thing because it helps with energy levels in the winter. Dunno, of course, if that’s why Ms. Palin got one.

    I truly haven’t decided how I’m going to vote yet, but your blog seems more mean-spirited and hateful than really funny, and not likely to sway anyone your way, if that’s what you have in mind.

  26. angela says:

    I’ve joined the PAP Smear campaign. I’m not sure what I have to offer, but I do live in Oregon, a state full of conservatives and Palin lovers, so perhaps I can be a sniper or something (despite the fact that I am, in fact, a pacifist, I’m sure I can find a gun somewhere in my neighborhood…) In any case: DOWN WITH THE CHURCH LADY!!

  27. Sister Wolf says:

    Honeypants -YAY for you. I’ll see if I can improve the buttons.

    Make do – Thanks for your encouragement!

    Danielle – You need a job here. Ex-nanny is available. See annemarie for other options.

    Julie – We are hateful AND funny.

    angela -Welcome. How about Human Resources for you?

  28. Sister Wolf says:

    Mark – your comment/link disappeared, but I found it:

  29. cker says:

    Will the “real” Trigger please cry, poop, spit up… something so we know which kid is Trigger.

    Follow the links and look at the pics with the baby in them. Both babies are with one of Palin’s daughters. But which one is Trigger?

    Maybe the ex-nanny or manny can shed some light on this? Anyone?

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