In honor of the Jewish New Year, I am now ready to reveal my personal history with Sarah “Dumbass” Palin. We met during the Miss Alaska competition in 1984. Sarah was a total cunt even then, but she sucked up enough to be anointed with the Miss Congeniality award. She knew I was a much better flautist, and this bothered her so much that she spiked me with her cheap high heel just before the talent competition. I nearly bled to death backstage, but she never even apologized.
After humiliating herself with Katie Couric, Mrs. P had the audacity to return for another round, only this time she brought Grandpa to defend her. Watch Grandpa’s body language in this video as he tries not to explode and bash Katie Couric’s head in. I’d like to examine Cindy McCain for bruises, because it’s clear the Grandpa is a fucking vicious maniac.
Mrs. P is heading to Grandpa’s ranch in Arizona to “prepare” for her debate with Biden on Thursday. Which of the following scenarios is most likely to transpire?
1. The McCain operatives implant a chip in Palin’s head, enabling her to understand big words?
2. Track gets taken out by the CIA.
3. Biden comes down with the Black Plague.
4. Bristol has a miscarriage, requiring Mother’s presence at her bedside.
5. Bush has to bomb Iran late Thursday afternoon.
6. God sends word of an early Apocalypse.
7. The stock market collapses so thoroughly that all TV broadcasting must stop.
8. Grandpa threatens to expose Palin’s one grainy porn video unless she drops out as his VP.
Cast your vote or submit your own prediction!
Well I’m voting for the porn video one. But I don’t want to see it, so I hope Grandpa gets his way.
I vote porn video but I predict it will leak and expose her moose fetish!
I’m between number two (Track becomes the sacrificial lamb of the Republican party) or number seven (the economy takes ANOTHER downward turn and ends up, like, in hell).
Killing Track would be the easiest one to organize. Poor little boy.
Well I know Sarah herself is hoping for the early Apocalypse. But I’m with annemarie here. Track bites it OR an economy emergency. Of course it would also be the perfect time for an alien invasion!
Okay, can I please interrupt this program to bring you all news of my learning yesterday that my sister actually believes humans and dinosaurs co-existed. And it is because she believes that and SP believes it that she’s going to vote for her. First, she said this:
” To me Palin surely made the campaign a lot more interesting. She seemed to come out of left field and my first reaction was, “Who is she?” My second reaction after learning a bit about her was, “She has five kids, one an infant with Down’s and she still thinks she can be our VP?” As a mother I can’t even imagine having the time and energy to give five kids what they need and run the country. I am sure she will have a full staff but they will never be the same as a mom. Then I saw her speech and she certainly seems like one of those rare superwomen who obviously have it together way more than I do. She was certainly charming and had a great delivery out there. I am anxious to see how she does in the debate.”
And I’m thinking to myself “great delivery?????”
And then she went on to say this:
“But the thing for me is that her values are more in line with mine than the Democrats and probably even more than McCain’s. That matters to me. That being said I am not at all sure that we are in Iraq as some task from God. I think we never should have gone there at all. But the main thing about her that appeals to me is her strong faith in God, favoring Creationism in schools, her pro-life stance and her traditional family values. I believe that the traditional family (a husband and a wife and their kids) is the backbone of our society and I see way too much moral relativity in our society today and it seems like we are in a steep moral decline and that concerns me. I identify with candidates whose values are like mine and I’d say out of McCain, Obama, Biden and Palin, her values are closest to mine. That does not mean I think she is the perfect candidate, however. I just wish we had some better choices.”
Of course my reaction was “wait a minute. Creationism in schools?” So I asked her if she really believed in it, and this is how she replied:
“To answer your question, I do believe Creationism and all it “espouses.” I used to have my doubts about it and at times thought the story of Adam and Eve was more figurative than literal. But having studied the Bible and talking in depth to several chaplains who really know it better than I and then doing some of my own reading (other than the Bible, to include websites and other non-fiction books addressing such questions) I have come to the conclusion that the story of Creation as told in Genesis is the truth. There are gaping holes in evolutionary theory. I am sending you some links to check out. Don’t dismiss them before you read them. Have an open mind and keep in mind that our humble human minds cannot analyze and successfully understand all the mysteries of the world in which we live, hadron collider or not.”
Then she sent me all kinds of links including one with a nice table explaining how dinosaurs were in the bible, they were just called other names! Behemoth! Leviathan! Tanniyn! These things were really just Brachiosaurs and Kronosaurs…
I’m sorry to post all this on here, and just ignore it if you think it’s inappropriate. But I am having a hard time handling the depths of my despair about this!
oh honeypants! Be strong! I’m overcome with sympathy for you! I have no words! It’s beyond what my humble human mind can understand! Be strong!
Ask her why she thinks the creation myth of her religion is more valid than the creation myths of other religions.
fuck honeypants, how do you cope with that?
I mean, people can do what they like and believe what they want, and there are certainly limits to scientific knowledge, but my question is, since no-one knows anyway, ultimately not the scientist and certainly not the fucking CHAPLAIN, then WHY is the “Origin of the Universe and How We Came to Be” even an issue? Who fucking cares?
AAAARGH! Can you hear me screaming? I’m nearly bald after pulling the hair out of my head in frustration for you, Honeypants. It’s sad that even our own family members can be led down a primrose path to destruction by dumbasses like the Church Lady! Try this phrase that my mother used to yell at me when she knew I wasn’t employing any brain cells, “USE YOUR HEAD FOR SOMETHING OTHER THAN A HAT RACK!” Ever notice how religious zealots often wear head coverings? Keeps their brains safe from outside evil influences, such as science!
urgh, her whole tone is so fucking annoying too.
JESUS CHRIST– I am taking the Lord’s name in vain! Check me out!– it is TOO EARLY TO BE THIS MAD!
honeypants, I devote my rage to thy sister and pray for her salvation. Amen.
“I identify with candidates whose values are like mine and I’d say out of McCain, Obama, Biden and Palin, her values are closest to mine.”
Yeah. I mean, why would you want to vote for someone who went to Harvard Law School? That person is not like me. I’d much rather vote for someone who attended five different colleges before graduating in Journalism and paraded her body in a swimsuit on stage. That, I can identify with. I want someone like that to shepherd the nation.
Thank you annemarie and OMGGMAB for your shared outrage and support! I have seriously spent the last 24 hours in a haze of utter disbelief. You should see the sites she sent me! I guess she forgot that I have been working for archaeologists for the last 11 years. The problem is that Creationists have all these “educated” “Creation scientists” with advanced degrees who twist around parts of biology, geology, and anthropology to suit their arguments, and then disregard the parts that contradict them citing that all current “evolutionary proof” traces back to Darwin, and Darwin was just a theory. Well guess what people, the Bible is just a book! But because they are able to load their arguments with big fancy words and concepts that most people don’t fully understand and then say “and look! and here’s where we can back it up in the Bible!”
Does anyone remember Creationism being such a huge deal before the last 15-20 years? When I was a kid in the 70’s and early 80’s, I never heard anything more about it than what we learned in Sunday School. Of course the internet is partially to blame, but it’s totally the fault of NeoCons, creating a hot button issue to round up simple minded voters and control them. I don’t care if the guy who cuts my grass is a Creationist, but this is my sister!
My only response was to send her a link discussing various transitional fossils, such as Archaeopteryx, because one of her links said that no transitional fossils have ever been found?!!!???! I don’t know what else I can do, ‘cos I know I’m not going to change her mind one iota.
And what I would like to know is HOW does “her strong faith in God, favoring Creationism in schools, her pro-life stance and her traditional family values” have ANYTHING to do with her ability to fix this disastrous economy? How is it going to help her find Bin Laden or get out of Iraq or redeem our sorry reputation with the rest of the world?
Not to mention, a couple of weeks ago I sent her a laundry list of Palin’s evils and she didn’t respond to that email. Who cares if she wants to ban books or make you pay for your own rape kits or puts a bounty on wolf-legs, she believes in family values and Creationism, so she gets off the hook for everything else!
Re your comment to me, yes, I was at Lehman Brothers in the World Financial Center.
The latest show of Church Lady’s stupidity is that she could not name one US Supreme Court case other than Roe v. Wade. I’m no S. Crt. scholar, but hell, how about one of the most important cases in this century, Brown. v. Board of Education? Oh, I forgot, that involved people of color and equal rights to education, so I suppose it’s not important enough to know about. Nothing in the bible about that except that “do unto others thing”. . .
Yes, I hate the fanatical argument that no matter what way things come down it can be explained by being “god’s will.” Used to let them off the hook every time.
Hey, ask your sister if she knows who wrote the first three books of the bible and when. Get back to us on that.
God I hope Biden kicks her ass on this debate. I shall be following it very closely.
Honeypants: we all share your grief..but be strong..
honeypants, i’m so sorry! if it makes you feel any better, i have many opus dei-like pro-life aunts, uncles & cousins. And a sister who’s been wearing stirrup pants since the 80’s.
OMGGMAB, I can’t ask her, because she’ll google the answer first if I do. And she lives in Italy, so I definitely won’t be talking to her in person anytime soon!
Thanks everyone for the sympathy. And fashionherald, how could anyone related to you wear stirrup pants? Still?!?!?! I’m so sorry!!!
Honeypants: at least it’s your sister and not your parents. My parents recently came out as creationists and my father refers to Obama as a “baby killer.” My father also doesn’t believe in global warming. And get this, he’s an MIT-educated engineering professor. My mother thinks Bill O’Reilly is “smart and handsome” and looks to Ann Coulter as a legitimate pundit.
Typing this, I want to vomit.
Thank God they had eleven children, ten of whom are voting for Obama.
Wow Mark. That’s frightening, and I totally feel your pain. AFAIK, my parents aren’t creationists, but last I checked my mom did like Palin. My dad, OTOH, is a super NeoCon and is one of those few people who still approves of Bush. His little protege (and also my mom’s boss), State Rep John LaBruzzo, recently brought up (publicly) a piece of legislation he’s considering introducing that would pay poor women $1000 to get their tubes tied, while offering tax incentives for rich folks to have more kids. It made national news http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=5886592&page=1, and many people are understandably outraged. Of course my Dad (a lawyer) thinks it’s a great idea! My other 2 sisters are conservative, but don’t want to vote for McPalin. However, they aren’t so sure they can bring themselves to vote for Obama either. I’m the only one in the family (besides one nephew) who isn’t a right-winger!
Stirrup pants?? She might like my isster, who wears knee socks with shorts.
annemarie – I ask the same question constantly: who fucking cares about the origins of the universe?! Just get busy while it’s still here.
Mark -is it that supid Pope who’s fucked up your parents’ belief system??
She could send baby Trigg to debate Biden. Trigg might not win but at least he wouldn’t talk as much nonsense as his (grand)mother. Besides he has as much foreign policy experience and knowledge as mommy Sarah. Living in a country whose nextdoor neighbours are foreign countries is not an experience to be belittled.
Her sex tape would be a welcome new addittion to the internet horror hits, but as it will probably include Grandpa and his massive package as seen in the Couric sequel, I’ll pray it won’t be released and sold as buy-one-get-one-for-free bundle with the Mini-Me tape.
The Black Plague would solve the problem once and for all, and the same prayer warriors who prayed for rain and hail storms to flood the DNC are probably already on their knees for a lethal disease to hit Biden. Unfortunately theirs prayers are a bit inaccurate, and the forces of nature actually disturbed a wrong convention, so Team Grandpa probably won’t trust on their fire power on this problem.
A nice little war is always a good election stunt. Just ask Reagan about Grenada or Bush I about the desert storm. Palin and Grandpa could orchestrate a staged invasion of Alaska, performed by a bunch of unemployed Canadian actors disguised as Russians, will take place just before the debate. Palin will fly to Alaska, talk in tongues for a while in front of the cameras, and tell the enemy go back to Russia, that great and powerful country next door to Alaska.
Or maybe they’ll just send Tina Frey to the debates.
Juri, thank you for your brilliant and cogent analysis, as always. You have your finger on the pulse of something or other.
But what about my bathing suit pose??
Seriously only the US buys the creationist theory thing – not even the Pope believes it!
Just tell these right wing christian peeps that at the time of Jesus China, India and Europe were the economies – seems like its going that way again esp if you get gramps and moose.
I vote for number 1.
Sometimes I wonder if McCain ever rues the day he chose Palin. She could really torpedo him.
I’m sorry for bloghogging!
Juri, your comment was indeed brilliant!
SW, your bathing suit pose is sensational!
That’s YOU?
Patrick H, are you looking at this?
You look adorable! I know for a body-building pic you’re supposed to look all surly and snarly and warrior-like, but you look so friggin cute!
Having said that, you could totally take that bitch down.
Sister Wolf – Yes yes, I have a strong pulse for gorgeous women in glorious bathing suit poses. I’m just too well-raised to admit that in public. I’m not that impressed (or at all) by that of Palin’s, though. She looks just as good in her bathing suit as she sounds in her interviews.
I can fully understand the envy and desperation she felt during the Miss Alaska competition, though, having to try to compete with you. Had she not done what she did, you could be the Governor of Alaska by now, and she would be playing flute in some Jethro Tull tribute band somewhere.
OKAY, THEN! I rule, just wanted to establish that.
But wait, Here is a new clip of Mrs. P, telling Katie Couric that people have a choice between BIden’s years of experience, and her “energy!” Hahaha, she’s truly insane!
http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=4490056n
Honeypants – your post about your sister makes me feel grateful for being an enstranged member of the family, a circus freak that only shows up at the most important funerals and perhaps and occasional wedding every now and then.
I’ve never had problems with anyone’s religious convictions if I can otherwise get along with that person, as I usually can with anyone to a limit. But when those people begin to believe that simply knowing thy bible (or any book) qualifies you for every job on the planet, I suddenly have a problem.
That video is awful. Jesus christ, how I hate her “chipper” persona. She’s just a fucking asshole.
Plus, she looks awful in that swimsuit. She has no waist. She looks like an overgrown puppy-fatty fourteen yr old who developed her tits early but nothing else.
Sister Wolf– you have a nice ass.
YES! who needs experience when you’ve got energy? Energy is more fun anyway. Drill baby drill.
But what about Grandpa’s energy???????
annemarie, what a precise exegesis of her creepy physique!
Juri – but is that “energy” Grandpa has, or is it aggressive dementia, or crystal meth?
SW- that’s aggressive dementia waiting to burst out in full bloom. If he does beat up Cindy, he won’t probably cause too much physical damage, due to his reluctant hands, and the pain killers will help her not to notice his loose-wristed slaps. It’ll be more fun when that madness is expanded outside the domestic sphere.
If his medical team is trying to keep him awake and somewhat alert with amphetamines we’ll have some wonderful TV moments ahead of us when the psychosis hits Grandpa and he really speaks his mind.
URGENT NEW POLL! “Is Palin’s lipliner a tattoo?!?!?!”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/30/is-sarah-palins-lipliner_n_130352.html
What a fucking bitch!!!! That’s what I thought when I watched that video. I’d rather have an experienced older leader than a chipper, energetic AND inexperienced bitch who has no fucking idea what she’s talking about. I saw a pic of her on the telly when she was in the talent portion of the pageant….what a fucking horrible outfit!!! She looked a hot mess!!!!
I’d like to tattoo “BITCH” on her forehead.
I have inspected the photographs and can conclude that her lipliner is indeed a tattoo.
Chief Political Strategist, PAP Smear
Bex: No room to tattoo Bitch on her forehead because the 666 is taking up all the space!
Thanks to whatever that my entire family are as left as they can be! My dad still wells up when we talk about JFK’s assassination. As a catholic lifer I can attest that the pope and entourage do plenty of damage. Whether he’s a creationist concerns me less than the fact that he’s power hungry, has more money than god, and should be taking over the US economy any moment now and will call it “salvation.” Am I speaking in tongues yet?
And oh yes, Lady Wolf, very sexy photo! How do you maintain that physique and have time for all of this? I’m jealous!
i knew she and michael jackson had a lot in common, and not just the stupid voices (post “Bad” and “Thriller” michael, of course, and only Thriller because I was an early MTV teen).
Sister Wolf, I was so focused on your fabulous, ass kicking bathing suit pose until I got distracted by conservative family connections and stirrup pants. Sorry! and your hair could have won the whole pageant by itself.
Thank Christ I got some props on that bathing suit! No need to get too excited though, since in that photo I was only 26.
Crazy families, stirrup pants, tattooed lip-liner…fuck! Most of this is Bush’s fault, even if it isn’t.
I wish everyone could come to my house on Thursday night!
Ah hahahhaha – I never even SAW Palin in the background. I just thought it was a trophy you won. Priceless. And I don’t know about you lot who live with Katie Couric all the time, but I loved her facing up to the Macattack Two here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/oliverburkemanblog/2008/sep/25/uselections2008.sarahpalin
Although I can’t imagine you haven’t included this somewhere already, sw.
she is absolutely gleeful in the first part. she looks like she wants to jump up out of her seat and laugh in couric’s face (gotcha!). look how grandaddy sticks up for me! either that or she wants to make out with grandpappy. gross. i want to smack that victorious look off her face.
Poor Track I think he is definitely getting taken out, so my vote is for No 2. Apologies SW but I can’t look at the glorious pic of you for long, as that dreadful woman lurking in the background is putting me off. God, do I hate her soooooooooooo much. I hate everything she stands for, I hate her stupidity and I hater her lies. This scares the hell out of me and I’m not even American. I need a lie down………
Apologies for this, but it just sprang to mind:
PALINDROME — a large enclosed space where supporters of the utterly dreadful Sarah Palin congregate to exchange wacko ideas………
this just might have made my day:
“NORAD: Sarah Palin has no role in guarding U.S. airspace despite claims in Katie Couric interview”
“When Russian bombers approach American airspace and U.S. Air Force fighters are scrambled, Sarah Palin’s phone doesn’t ring.”
Has everyone seen this? It makes more sense than the things she does come out with.
http://palinquotes.sillycloud.com/
All who have posted on this thread– Does not this relentless mutual self-congratulation and patting one another on the back and telling each other how smart you all are and how stupid your ideological opponents are– does it not all get just a little boring?
I mean, maybe you’re right– maybe Palin is a ditz and maybe her faith is bogus, but so what? Why be so insufferable about it? The frequent insufferability of liberals is one reason why I’m no longer a liberal.
Ahhhh fun times. We’re entitled to our opinions. In case people haven’t noticed, PAP members convene here to voice their opinions.