Real Lesbians

I didn’t watch The L Word, but The Real L Word, a new show about Real Lesbians, is providing plenty of excitement at my house. My husband finds it for me on the Showtime channel, and I sit back and talk to the TV for the whole 30 minutes.

My favorite Real Lesbian so far is Whitney, a tough white girl with dreadlocks who acts just like a horny stud. She insists that she’s a slave to her “chemistry” with nearly every woman she meets. She keeps saying “chemistry” like it’s a scientific fact and an iron clad excuse for making out with someone. “I have to admit there is chemistry,” she confesses to a needy girl in a bar who wants to know where they stand. In short, Whitney is just a dude whose balls will explode if you deny him sex.

I also like Mikey, a swaggering blond hipster who can’t get over her own awesomeness. She revels in telling us how stressful her high-powered job is. She loves to boss people around and flaunt her tattoos.

The only time I’ve had to scream out loud was when Tracy revealed the names of her girlfriend’s three children: Nickos, Daughtry and Jagger.

Why isn’t there a fine for saddling your children with awful names? I don’t think I could even be friends with someone who would name their kid ‘Daughtry’. Some things are unforgivable.

As long as the Real Lesbians don’t make me watch them have sex, I’m in. I don’t plan to follow their blogs or tweets, or to buy their special Lesbian iPhone App, but I like all the posturing and soul-searching and unusual facial piercings. I’m also convinced that if Whitney met me, she’d feel the chemistry.

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35 Responses to Real Lesbians

  1. Question says:

    Do you think the blonde in the gold dress looks like a drag queen???

  2. Mo'Nique says:

    I watched the first episode. It was a full hour of excuses and cliches masquerading as people. Whitney said that if she was a “dude” she’d probably have a ten inch cock. After she said that, I said to myself that if Whitney had an once of respect for her fellow human beings she would move to Montana, buy a cabin in the woods far from everyone else, lock herself inside and then lose the key. I would have said the same thing to Mikey, but she doesn’t have any fellow human beings because she isn’t human. All in all, I didn’t think the show was all that great.

  3. Sister Wolf says:

    Question – Yes.

    Mo’Nique – Oh my, I missed the first episode. A ten inch cock?!? Take it away!

  4. Ann says:

    Yeah, but I bet none of them have ever curated a lesbian stick.

  5. SACRAMENTO says:

    Why women copy the bad pattern and behaviour of men, lesbians or not??
    I am all in favour of lesbians, but what makes them special, not just men in skirts after sex…
    Frankly my dear I do not give a damn about this type of programmes
    But weather we like it or not it will come to Spain…Hopefully not many people will watch and it will be remove like L world.
    Sacramento

  6. dust says:

    I know many lesbians, none of them fits the stereotype.
    It’s funny how sexist these Real ones sound. They beat the shit out of men in their ability to notice nothing beyond our pussiness.
    I’m tired of all hormone-driven people in general, can I get the keys of that cabin, Mo’Nique?

  7. Braindance says:

    If I was a boy, my mother was going to call me Spartacus.
    She justified this by the fact he was the first slave to free himself.

    Can you imagine the fun to be had every day at school when the register was called? NO, I AM SPARTACUS!

    She also wanted to give my daughter the middle name Mahogany, after the type of wood. I know, there are no words.

    Oooo, I nearly forgot, I had to talk her out of naming my brother Ridge, after a character from The Bold & The Beautiful.
    Tupac was a contender also, Tupac!

  8. Sister Wolf says:

    Braindance – SPARTACUS?? My mom considered naming me “Nancy.”

  9. Moda says:

    Daughtry? Wow. Braindance, what is your real name? Your mum makes me laugh. I’m from a big catholic family and we’re all named after saints. Our names are so boring I think it’s hilarious. On the bus a wee girl was called “Shinai”, in a broad glaswegian accent her young mum shouted at her “Shinai, git aff that. SHINAI GIT AFF!! Shinai you’re daein ma FUCKIN NUT IN!”

    Translation: Shinai , get off that. SHINAI GET OFF!! Shinai you’re doing my FUCKIN HEAD IN!”
    A name like Shinai in the west of Scotland is pretty uncommon and is like being called Britney but more current and exotic. Wee Shinai was totally unperturbed.

  10. Romeo says:

    Why did I come back to America?

  11. deja pseu says:

    It must be my age, but I can no longer tolerate reality TV, unless it’s one of those garden makeover shows.

    My mom wanted to name me Jody but my dad’s mother forbade it. Too bad, I like that name but ended up with one so mainstream for my time that there were usually three of us in every classroom.

  12. Cricket9 says:

    Lesbians I know are nothing like these in the show – they are married to other lesbians, have kids, sensible shoes and tend to be into organic gardening. Happy Pride Day, lesbians, it must be a great party today in Toronto!
    Daughtry is truly awful, but how about Moon Unit? In ol’ Catholic Poland we were all named after saints, or, later, after TV shows’ heroines – hence Isaura, after a brazilian telenovela from the eighties with million episodes about a white slave Isaura and her trials and tribulations. There is also a tendency for a former aristocracy to give their children a “plebeian” first names, and vice versa – the more “plebeian” last name, the more “sophisticated” (read: pretentious) first name, for ex., in free translation, Violetta Angelica Klomp.

  13. Braindance says:

    Moda, my real name is up there with Spartacus, just as many syllables and mickey taking opportunities.

  14. urbain says:

    I watched episode 102 on website, with a L commercial for prelude (featuring Evangeline L).

    Real L’Oréal World : Glossy, Healthy and Amonia-Free*

    *cool names for siblings

    “L World is a mess but his hair is perfect “

  15. Moda says:

    Thanks Braindance. I got away with just Anne but my mum’s full name is so catholic: Anne Theresa Bernadette Mary Philomena.. I prefer Spartacus though.

  16. dust says:

    Braindance – remember Agador Spartacus? I thought these things happen only in movies. One of the first hits if you google it is article about newborn, the only commenter was a kind woman called Nancy.

    There is this story about one Serbian family that follows the tragedy of the country. The grandfather was born after the war in revolution times and named Traktor (tractor). His son was born round 1968-9 and named Vlada, actually very usual name which also means government. His first son was born during the war with Croatia and named Kalasnikov. Tragic…
    Don’t know if they are inbreeds, but it certainly sounds like they are.

  17. dorkmyster says:

    This is my favorite thing to watch. I also agree that whitney and mikey are the best ones. I have delicious murderous rage for whitney. She reminds me of a “boyfriend” I had for a long time. I was in a long a line and he, like whitney was kind of skanky and a major love addict with no conscience to be found. THis guys cock was no ten incher though,let me tell you. Mikey is a big pussy because she didnt even have the balls to tell her girlfriend that she was hurt when she didnt come to see her get the award. It totally demoted her badass status in my opinion. total poser.

  18. Angelica says:

    Who the fuck would name their kid “Daughtry”?? Why would you ever do that to someone??? Who wants to bet that kid never speaks to or sees his mom again, after he becomes financially independent of her.

    Spartacus and Tupac are the best names for a set of siblings, ever. Especially if your mom had another son and named him Biggie.

  19. Braindance says:

    Dust, I neve saw the movie Birdcage, (gotta love google) my mother, although she will swear blue in the face it was the freed slave element, really, she just had big love for Kirk Douglas in Stanley Kubrick’s Spartacus.
    The shame.
    As I turned out a girl, (just) I am named after a Joanna Lumley character.

    Moda, your mum has the most Catholic name I have ever heard, worthy of a cameo on the sitcom Father Ted.

    I did know a guy who changed his name from Darren to Ricochet Klashnekoff (pronounced K-Lash-Nek-Off)
    He is a rude boy music artist from Hackney, that is the only excuse I can offer.

    Back to the subject, what does Daughtry even mean? What kind of mickey mouse bullshit is that? Two words: Deed poll.

    My uncle called his daughter Virtue.
    Virtue, no pressure or anything. Needless to say, they dont talk.

  20. jennifer says:

    You may want to miss some of the next episodes. I saw previews for it and there are pretty vivid scenes where Whitney has sex with a girl wearing a giant black strap on.

    I used to hang out with Whitney, she acts the same in real life as she does on the show, it is not an act.

  21. Mark says:

    If I ever have a daughter, I’m naming her Pantene.

  22. Cricket9 says:

    Long long ago I lived in Venezuela; they could name a boy Simon – after the national hero of South-American independence – only if the kid was born on the anniversary of Simon Bolivar birthday. The could name him Jesus any time they wished.
    An acquaintance named her daughter Ampicillina – after an antibiotic that cured her from some early childhood illness. I also heard about an Egyptian girl named Filizanka – “teacup” in Polish. The mom apparently liked the sound of it.
    There are also hordes of Russian women named Ninel – which is “Lenin” backwards.
    “Vlada” or Vlad translates better as “Power” – as in “after the election, he got the power”.

  23. Nati Hell says:

    Actually, in Argentina and in Sweden there is a law against stupid names, i wish it was the same in my country 🙁

  24. Eliza says:

    Similar law in Italy too, Nati, or at least the government has to approve your choice first – why Asia Argento is Aria on her birth certificate. I think this would have the opposite effect of sitting beside even more Sarahs and Emilys, though I have to admit, if I ever changed my mind about spawning, I want to name the boy Julian Thebes. Not you can’t call him JT.

    My father and I watched “The Soup” last night, with clips from the new MTV “Real World” featuring a girl named Jimmy. Since she’s a modern female of course the parents can’t spell it normally like those who borrowed Ashley, Leslie, and Stacy from the boys. It’s J-E-M-M-Y-E. Let that sink it.

  25. Elaine says:

    Daughtry is a Canadian band
    the lead singer’s last name is Daughtry and he was a voted-off wannabe Canadian idol
    if the kid was named after that “rock” band, I hope whatshername set aside some money for therapy or a lot of booze for the kid

    I haven’t stopped laughing over the insane names people have mentioned so far
    Kalasnikov REALLY???
    I’m pretty happy with my name and I joined a facebook group that goes along the lines of You’ll never find my name on stupid tourist shit

  26. Eliza says:

    P.S. As a bi-dyke it’s really disappointing Showtime picked the Real L Word over Ilene Chaiken’s other proposal, the Farm, an L Word spinoff with Leisha Hailey’s character in prison for the murder that suffocated the last season. Goddamn you again, Chaiken.

  27. Stella Mayfair says:

    eliza, is the farm completely cancelled then? I must admit I LOVED the L word, watched all the seasons, cried when dana died and wanted to kill evil shecter, hehehe. and i’m not even a lesbian.

  28. Lezzies says:

    Sister Wolf: Please tell me you were joking when you wrote “as long as the Real Lesbians don’t make me watch them have sex…” First, who is “making” you do anything? Do you dislike all sex scenes online? Or do you watch porn? And lesbian sex is the only reason I watch these shows!

    Also, you don’t like ten inch cocks? Or you don’t like ten inch cocks on women? I like it very much when my partner uses the 10 inch strap on, personally.

    Sacramento: Remind me again of what constitutes “male behavior” and “female behavior”. I must have forgotten that only men act like pigs, and only women act pleasant and proper.

    Dust: Some argue that sexism implies institutionalized power, and only those with access to the institutions (men) can practice sexism.

    Nati Hell: I’m from Argentina, and I’ve never heard of that law. Know what it’s called?

  29. Cricket9 says:

    A similar anti-stupid names law existed in Poland – I’m not sure if it still does. Its’ funny (or, thinking of it, actually not so funny) how Kalashnikov (the last name of the guy who invented the gun) became a first name. I would like to know what’s up with all the Taylors? Taylor? Why not a Cobbler?
    Regarding 10 inches cocks, on men or women: does size matter? I think it does, but only if it’s extreme – very small or very big; everything in between, half an inch here or there, doesn’t matter that much. The whole “size doesn’t matter” theory was, IMO, put together by a male scientist and women lying to protect male egos.

  30. dust says:

    Lezzies – you must be right cos my sexist alcoholic neighbor got institutionalized last week.

    Anyway, human race is still developing and not all scum of the earth is cataloged yet. If you would get of the statistic chart, there would be an unpleasant surprise waiting just around the corner, called a real life.

  31. Nati Hell says:

    @Lezzies: I don’t really know much about the law, but once a friend of mine, he’s from Mendoza, told me that in Argentina it’s prohibited by the law to put stupid names to children such as “Aspirina”.

  32. Nati Hell says:

    A Swedish couple has been fined for failing to register a legally approved name for their seven-year-old child, who is presently called “Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116” (pronounced “/ˈalËŒbin/”). They’ve offered to change the kid’s name to “A,” but the Swedish government says that won’t do, either.

    source: http://boingboing.net/2008/02/20/swedish-couple-fined.html

  33. Annika says:

    In New Zealand, a court made a couple change their daughter’s name from Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii. Violence, Midnight Chardonnay, Number 16 Bus Shelter, and twins named Benson and Hedges are others. Rejected names include: Fish and Chips, Yeah Detroit, Stallion, Twisty Poi, Keenan Got Lucy and Sex Fruit. I mean, come on. I’ve heard of other stories of parents trying to name their kids ridiculous shit in Sweden and Norway, in protest of the approved names laws I suppose.
    I also know a boy who was conceived while his parents were on an acid trip. They were quite close to naming him Test Pattern. Fortunately they settled on a rather convention name that suits him quite well.

  34. Elfie says:

    I’d like to put forward ‘Aerosmith’ as a name that shouldn’t have been given to a kid.

    The guy introduced himself as ‘Eros’, and I thought his parents had a mythological bent, but turns out it was short for “Aerosmith’.

  35. malematter says:

    Yo lezzies, I was just wandering… I noticed your comment on the megazoid 10incher, ‘or do you not like 10 inch cocks on women?’ Not to say you can’t have your fun, but would lesbianism be what it is if it had a dick? Fake or not. Is your lifestyle not about the appreciation and love of the incomparable beauty of the female? Or is it just poontang…??? Haha I think the ole naturale of sex is enough. By the way, the male anatomy thanks you for your appreciation of the dong.

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