Rock of Love Exegesis

At first, you assure yourself that no matter how pathetic you are, you would never stoop so low as to watch “Rock of Love,” because (a) You don’t watch Reality Shows, (b) You’ve always hated Bret Michaels, and (c) There are some things you Just Don’t Do.

Later, your husband develops a perverse fascination with “Rock of Love 3” and you find yourself transfixed by the horror that is Bret Michaels’ face. Still later, you are enslaved by the unspeakably tawdry proceedings, and like a Roman at a vomitorium you lose all sense of shame.

As the series moves towards its conclusion, you are gratified that all the blonds have been kicked off the bus. It’s empowering for brunettes, if being a dumb whore willing to kiss the monstrous lips of Bret Michaels can be considered a good thing. Now there are two dumb whores left, the Girl Next Door and the Penthouse Pet.

Your husband has begun to turn to you and say: “I’m sorry, your tour ends here.” When you scream in anguish, he comes back with “Will you stay on the bus and rock my world?”

It’s beyond horrible. Everything about it is sickening and stupid. But you must know how things turn out!   Will it be Mindy, a moron from Kentucky who finally gets her moustache waxed in the final episode? Or will it be Taya, a steely pro with enormous tits and a husky smoker’s voice?

DUH!

My husband thought it would be Mindy, proving that deep down he’s an Incurable Romantic.

I figured it would be Taya, based on the old maxim that ‘A Penthouse Pet Outranks the Girl Next Door.’ Thank god I was right and thank god it’s over.

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19 Responses to Rock of Love Exegesis

  1. It is wrong to read such a post because immediately I want to watch Rock of Love!

  2. Queen Michelle says:

    Oh. My. Good. God.
    He was a freak when he was in Poison but bloody hell what’s he done to his face??! The coast guard should use him – his lips could save drowning people.

  3. stella-mayfair says:

    Yes, my man and I watched Rock of Love. Disgusting as it may seem but we watched all three seasons: Rock of Love I: Botox is Poison, Rock of Love II: Be my Wigstand, and Rock of Love III: Ride the Skank Bus, just for the fun of it.

    Some of these silly-conettes on the show were just priceless! We especially liked Frenchy (“I wonna geet nekkiiiid nowe”) and the braindead ex-pornstar Brandy (“If we put our boobs together we can think better”). OMG!

  4. I haven’t seen the show-honestly! I don’t have cable-but you make me want to watch Sister.

  5. ash says:

    I totally thought it was going to be Mindy!
    Glad to have my life back, now!

  6. Danielle says:

    Thank god. I haven’t seen the finale yet, but I was seriously surprised Mindy made it that far. And yes, I am ashamed.

  7. Dexter VanDango says:

    It’s not often I learn something:

    Exegesis is defined by Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary, on Dictionary.com (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/exegesis accessed: March 30, 2009), as “Exposition; explanation; especially, a critical explanation of a text or portion of Scripture.” The word means to “lead out of”.

    Now, if you could only exegese me out of your blog.

  8. Ann says:

    Rock of Love is my favorite show ever. EVER. Don’t judge. I love Bret Michaels and have always admired the giant rock & roll Carmen Miranda-ness he wears atop his head, what with his wig, bandana and glasses! The more he piles on his head, the more Bret he becomes!

  9. HelOnWheels says:

    SW, I admire your fortitude; I had to stop after ROL II. I did not have the stomach for The Skank Bus.

    WTF did he do to his face??!!!

  10. drollgirl says:

    oh, you know you loved every minute of it (that reminds me of the old loverboy song)! i loved the show even tho poison is and always has been a JOKE. but the show? loved it. and i am sad it is gone. and botox, i mean bret, and taya and her awful sideways-parenthesis-eyebrows are probably broken up by now, so maybe we can do this thing all over again soon.

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    Agh – No, please hang on to your innocence!

    Queen Michelle – Very noble of you to see lifeboats where I see only tragedy.

    stella-mayfair – Isn’t there gonna be a Reunion or something?

    Iheartfashion – Just watch it in your head…it’s cheaper than cable and probably better!

    ash -Hahahaha! Same here.

    Danielle – Oh shit, I ruined the end for you. Please forgive me.

    Dexter – Sorry, no one gets out alive.

    Ann – Hahahahaha! Will her ever show his bare head? Can’t he just use Rogaine?

    HelOnWheels – please watch season 3, I know you can do it if you try!!!

    drollgirl – I wanted to refer to Taya’s godawful brows but I couldn’t think of a way to describe them! Now I know where to turn when I’m stumped. Why can’t she see her own eyebrows? Or does she look in her mirror and go, Oooh, nice and rounded, perfect!

  12. crocodilian says:

    I was reading this, feeling all superior because I would NEVER watch Rock of Love (as you say, it’s one of the Things I Just Don’t Do).

    And then I thought to myself… “As someone who willingly sat and watched probably every episode of BOTH Millionare Matchmaker AND The Real Housewives of New York, are you really any different? Really? Are you?”

    No.

  13. Juri says:

    “Here’s the deal”, as Bret Michaels and his Wig would say every time they say something that is not quite true: my biggest disappointment this spring was missing every ROL episode after episode 4. If I had been there for Bret he, and faitfully adviced him on the show’s myspace with the rest of the experts, he might have made a better choice. Now that I left him alone, he obviously made a mistake.

    How can he ever find true love now? What’s the point of “having the best extensions Europe has to offer” if you don’t have love? Here’s the deal, if you don’t have love you’re just a sounding brass, a tinkling symbol, a resounding cong or a clanging cymbal. Or Bret Michaels all dolled up but with no one to love.

    I also forgot to make a bid on his used bed on ebay. I’ll never forgive myself that one either. Who wouldn’t want to sleep in a bed where Bret Michaels has slept: http://www.metalsludge.tv/home/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=1703&Itemid=42

  14. Jill says:

    We might be married to the same man.

  15. the same thing happened to my husband and me with Temptation Island. Oh, the trainwreck we couldn’t stop watching.

  16. marmalade wombat says:

    his face looks like fergie’s face.

  17. dewayne says:

    i quit watching tv for a reason. about four years ago. i’m guessing ya’ll have been watching it for much longer than i had (about 23 years or so), and will probably be unable to give it up. but you can try! please try.

    when you do things like this, it makes me afraid to check your blog. i can deal with the “fashion”, but reality tv is almost unforgivable.

    and i agree with marmalade wombat. before you know it he’ll release a song about his homely botox lumps.

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    crocodilian – Those housewives are a sign of the Rapture.

    Juri- HAHAHAHA! Just think, the man has children….

    Jill – Good! We can be sister-wives!

    fashion herald – I haven’t even heard of that one!

    miss wombat – Good call. It’s the puffiness.

    dewayne – I’m sorry, try to think of me as a cultural sniper, braving my way through the sewer so that others don’t have to.

  19. dewayne says:

    works for me. i think it would awesome if you were an actual sniper.

    then you would have something in common with mr. rogers.

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