Ash studded heel sneaker bootie. $220 at Neiman Marcus.

When we saw these clever studded sneakers our wardrobe creativity couldn’t help but kick in and we know it’ll be the same for you.

Translated into English, the quote above means: _____________.

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32 Responses to Shoe-Speak

  1. David Duff says:

    Not just bollocks but studded bollocks!

  2. TheShoeGirl says:

    Look like you’ve stepped in shit and then rolled your shit covered foot in shrapnel. Yippee.

  3. the real andrea says:

    hahahahahahaha! Love the shoe girl’s take on these!

  4. Elaine says:

    One of the spikes got studded into our brains

  5. Tanya says:

    ..all the wardrobe creativity manifested in a gay parade, with a little 1984/Soviet bloc thrown in for good measure. Rock these with your mock lederhosen by Opening Ceremony and a captain’s hat by Dior.

  6. skye says:

    …yeah, we don’t know how (or why) the hell to wear them, either.

  7. Cricket9 says:

    …we don’t say “bootie”.

  8. kellie says:

    we saw these and thought-some stupid trendy bastards will buy them. Regardless of price. If we make them sound cool enough.
    they have probably got bets on how many pairs they can shift.

  9. Ann says:


  10. E says:

    “Be afraid. Our Wardrobe Creativity has been rooting around the underwear drawer looking for new outlets for our studding compulsion.”

    Wonder if there are matching socks?

  11. “There’s one born every minute! Ha!”

  12. Miggs says:

    In what way are these ‘clever’? They’re just frickin’ shoes!

  13. Angelica says:

    “We fucked up. We’re sorry.”

  14. Zoe says:

    I am jealous of the person who get’s to write those little descriptions for such monstrosities. What a fun job! I think they could do better than “clever studded sneakers”… let’s up the enthusiasm neiman marcus!

  15. Sofia says:

    We are about as ‘clever’ as this pair of sneakers, and unfortunately for us, when our ‘wardrobe creativity’ kicked in, it kicked out any sense of style.

  16. hammie says:

    “…Surgical Appliances from the 1950s make great fashion”

  17. Aja says:

    “You’re an asshole who will buy anything”.

  18. HelOnWheels says:

    “We’ll try anything to make some money in this economy. We’re desperate and hope to god you can’t tell.”

  19. My wardrobe creativity just died.

  20. Rudy Zarsov says:

    I am not a fashion expert like most of the commentators here but I think those shoes would look great on a late teenager/early twenties young thing. $200 is not a lot of money to pay for fashionable shoes IMO.

    I buy RM Williams boots in Australia and they cost around $200 and I buy a black pair and a brown pair and they usually last a very long time.

    Quality costs and crap is cheap

  21. Rudy Zarsov says:

    Sorry they are now $295 a pair

  22. Cricket9 says:

    Rudy, I don’t know how much money an average teenager makes in Australia, but if I’m spending $200 on shoes, they better be good. These wouldn’t look good on a young thing, old thing or anything.

  23. HelOnWheels says:

    Well, this makes sense. Rudy’s only been hanging around to spam us.

  24. firefly says:

    Translation: It means that they have come up with 101 outfits that won’t match, be a pain to walk in and won’t be suitable for any stiletto-football game you might play in.

  25. enna. says:

    Translation: When we saw these shoes, we knew they were studded, tortured and painfully on-trend, and would therefore fly off our shelves. We had to wrack our brains for half-decent ways to style them, and know you’ll have the same problem too. (You just won’t admit it.)

    I could maaaaaybe see the point of buying some studded (flat!) sneakers, but those are just hideous.

  26. Jacqui says:

    Some of the more nuanced dialect was hard to parse, but I’ve gotten a rough translation (though some of the local color always gets lost in translation):
    “I am a desperate-for-work freelancer who gets paid 10 bucks per blurb. This is my fifteenth blurb today; I did five for Parenting magazine on nursing bras just this morning! I can do this one…let’s see… I like wearing converses but then again I read a few books from the Victorian era, so it seems like a good thing to combine the two. Also, I could use the studs to maim the small dogs (yorkies, mostly) that pass me on my way to pick up my weekly ration of Ramen Noodles. If I had $220. I <3 Life!."

  27. I had to read that quote like three times. . . it continued to not make sense.

  28. I had to read that quote like three times. . . it just continued to not make sense.

  29. Ash must be short for absolutely shiteous. hurl.
    They are physically incapable of producing anything elegant or classy. Please, someone prove me wrong on this! It disturbs me to see them rubbing shoulders with the Louboutins and the Alexes (Wang, obviously) in the Selfridges shoe hall.

  30. RealMonster says:

    Literal translation:

    “These are fucking ugly. We pity the fools who buy such visually offensive footwear”

  31. LOL David Duff is on a roll! Is wardrobe creativity a euphemism for build shelves or make shoe boxes to hid your really bad shoe purchases?

  32. kate says:

    these are so ugly you have to really work your brain to come up with an outfit that draws the eye as far up and away as possible. you may even need to break out a few books from college when you majored in graphic design.

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