It’s that time again: The fashion world demands that you buy ten essential items to ensure looking as awful as possible. Let me simplify the New Look:
1. Norma Kamali is back! It was bad the first time around, and it’s bad now. For maximum clownishness, choose the sweatpants-leggings shown above.
2. Skinny Jeans: When your jeans are tapered at the ankle, it helps to achieve the ice cream cone leg-shape that we all admire!
3. Huge Platform Wedges: If you weren’t around in the 70s, now you can sprain your ankle just like Mom did.
4. The Enormous Handbag: If you can’t fit your trashcan in it, it’s not big enough.
5. The Frilly Shirt: Don’t think tuxedo; think toreador, only more flouncy.
6. The Ill-Fitting Jacket: Not just cropped but too tight, with the new awkward 3/4 sleeve.
7. The Wide Belt: A great look for the anorexic, upsetting for everyone else.
8. The Toga-Style Camisole: Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
9. The Baby Dress: Preferably in white cotton, a hard look to pull off after age six.
10. Distressed Denim: Yeah, yeah, it’s not new but the prices are! $200 and up for a pair of scuffed designer jeans. Look for a brand with distinctive back pockets, so your butt will scream “Fashion Victim with Hefty Credit Card Debt.”
There you have it! It’s all bad. See you at the mall!