It’s that time again: The fashion world demands that you buy ten essential items to ensure looking as awful as possible. Let me simplify the New Look:
1. Norma Kamali is back! It was bad the first time around, and it’s bad now. For maximum clownishness, choose the sweatpants-leggings shown above.
2. Skinny Jeans: When your jeans are tapered at the ankle, it helps to achieve the ice cream cone leg-shape that we all admire!
3. Huge Platform Wedges: If you weren’t around in the 70s, now you can sprain your ankle just like Mom did.
4. The Enormous Handbag: If you can’t fit your trashcan in it, it’s not big enough.
5. The Frilly Shirt: Don’t think tuxedo; think toreador, only more flouncy.
6. The Ill-Fitting Jacket: Not just cropped but too tight, with the new awkward 3/4 sleeve.
7. The Wide Belt: A great look for the anorexic, upsetting for everyone else.
8. The Toga-Style Camisole: Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?
9. The Baby Dress: Preferably in white cotton, a hard look to pull off after age six.
10. Distressed Denim: Yeah, yeah, it’s not new but the prices are! $200 and up for a pair of scuffed designer jeans. Look for a brand with distinctive back pockets, so your butt will scream “Fashion Victim with Hefty Credit Card Debt.”
There you have it! It’s all bad. See you at the mall!
god, i fucking hate fashion….with a passion, even…yet your ascerbic wit makes it almost tolerable to live in this godforsaken mall we call the good ol’ us of a….keep up the good work
The leggings thing has GOT to go! What’s next, Members Only jackets? Oh wait. Sorry. That was SO last year.