Spring/Summer Fashion Bulletin

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It’s that time again: The fashion world demands that you buy ten essential items to ensure  looking as awful as possible. Let me simplify the New Look:

1. Norma Kamali is back! It was bad the first time around, and it’s bad now. For maximum clownishness, choose the sweatpants-leggings shown above.

2. Skinny Jeans: When your jeans are tapered at the ankle, it helps  to achieve the ice cream cone leg-shape that we all admire!

3. Huge Platform Wedges: If you weren’t around in the 70s, now you can sprain your ankle just like Mom did.

4. The Enormous Handbag: If you can’t fit your trashcan in it, it’s not big enough.

5. The Frilly Shirt: Don’t think tuxedo; think toreador, only more flouncy.

6. The Ill-Fitting Jacket: Not just cropped but too tight, with the new awkward 3/4 sleeve.

7. The Wide Belt: A great look for the anorexic, upsetting for everyone else.

8. The Toga-Style Camisole: Speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

9. The Baby Dress: Preferably in white cotton, a hard look to pull off after age six.

10. Distressed Denim: Yeah, yeah,  it’s not new but the prices are! $200 and up for a pair of scuffed designer jeans. Look for a brand with distinctive back pockets, so your butt will scream “Fashion Victim with Hefty Credit Card Debt.”

There you have it! It’s all bad. See you at the mall!

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2 Responses to Spring/Summer Fashion Bulletin

  1. god, i fucking hate fashion….with a passion, even…yet your ascerbic wit makes it almost tolerable to live in this godforsaken mall we call the good ol’ us of a….keep up the good work

  2. Ann says:

    The leggings thing has GOT to go! What’s next, Members Only jackets? Oh wait. Sorry. That was SO last year.

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