One day in the history of our world, the United States voted for a monkey to be their president. In the morning after the election, people cried and asked each other if it really happened. It did happen but it took a while to seem even slightly real.
The monkey was a monkey so it couldn’t even pretend to be a President. It kept being a monkey while people waited for it to transform itself. But it wasn’t magic; it was a regular monkey. So it went around being a monkey and the guys whose jobs depended on its success pretended it was a person.
The monkey became more and more aggressive because there were no zoo keepers to keep it in line. It liked to throw bananas at people, not just important dignitaries but people in pain, and people just trying to do their job. The monkey loved attention. It used to have a TV show called “Look at the Big Monkey,” and it was accustomed to being a star.
Pretty soon, a lot of people worried that the monkey couldn’t handle the responsibilities of a President. Other people said not to worry, there were lots of human people surrounding the monkey who could stop it from doing anything too catastrophic. But the monkey liked to fire the human people and replace them with other monkeys.
Now there was a whole group of monkeys in the White House and in the government. What is the collective noun for monkeys? I’m too busy to look it up. Maybe later.
People who never wanted the monkey to be President gathered to wring their hands and march in their towns with signs that said NO MORE MONKEY. But the monkey was only amused. It loved seeing signs about itself. It reminded him of his TV show.
Lots of bad stuff happened. The monkey decided to lock up immigrants in cages, so bitter was he about having been born in a zoo. He had other ideas of how to get even with everyone who didn’t like having a monkey in charge.
The time came when the monkey had to travel to speak with other world leaders. Everyone held their breath, hoping the monkey would control itself. But remember, it was a monkey! At home in the US, large groups of citizens would applaud the monkey’s every move. The more it jumped around, the more they applauded. They wanted a goddamed nonstop monkey show and now they had one!
One day, the monkey flew to another country to meet it’s most dangerous adversary. What would it do? Predictably, the monkey defecated and threw its shit everywhere, but not at the adversary. The monkey was nothing if not a showman. It knew the world would be shocked and even more focused on its crazy antics. It kissed the adversary, just to agitate its detractors even more.
Now there was shit everywhere! Would the guys who loved their jobs be willing to get fired by calling him a monkey? Would they prefer being covered in shit to possible unemployment?
You bet they would! Because…well, just because.
I’ve been waiting an eternity for your next post.
You da best Sister Wolf.
Is this the same monkey that threw the frog away after he killed the frog by raping its froggy mouth? Or just the same type of monkey?
I was so pulled into your story, I actually felt like I was reading a well crafted tale, like when I’d read aloud to my boys and even if the story was nothing but lunacy, it would end with some kind of logical and peaceful conclusion.
Sadly, it seems we are only on the first chapter…
Please keep writing about it. It helps.
Monkey see monkey do
Apeshit
Barrel of monkeys
Monkeyshines
Aping
Monkey business
Missed you sister!
A “Troop, Barrel, Carload, Cartload, Tribe” of monkeys – take your pick.
This is an insult to monkeys.
That is good Sister Wolf.
One very slight quibble though, Washington DC has always been a place full of monkeys it’s just that now there’s a Monkey-in-Chief.
Planet of an Ape
Brilliant!
Well Sister Wolf I admit to halfway expecting my “quibble comment” might well not have appeared.
I stand by it however and, evidencing my long-held disdain for Washington DC as being the world capital of (for?) Monkey Business, I simply refer to a comment I left over on
David’s site some months back:
http://duffandnonsense.typepad.com/duff_nonsense/2016/05/so-mr-president-after-nearly-eight-years-why-is-your-country-going-mad.html?cid=6a00d8341c5caf53ef01b7c85f4dcb970b#comment-6a00d8341c5caf53ef01b7c85f4dcb970b
“Thanks, JK, gotta love that Mencken fella!” is how David replied.
This monkey you speak of, I think it must be a baboon because a group of baboons is called a congress. Seriously.
PS this is superb.
Your writing is beautiful to me. How long before the ape tears our faces off — tears everyone’s face off?
Tanya – Thank you so much! Your question is sobering. I don’t know the answer, but I think we need to think about protective headgear.
Madam Restora – Yes, our congress seems to be paralyzed. Where’s Guy Fawkes when we need him?
Miranda – Thank you!
Suspended – Ape implies some dignity he doesn’t
deserve, don’t you think??
JK – You are always welcome to quibble. In my lifetime, I’ve never seen anything this awful and crazy and disgraceful. Surely he is the most incompetent and ignorant leader the world has ever known, and I’m including Idi Amin.
David Duff – Can I choose “shitload?”
Dj – xoxo
Dana – Well, some monkeys are kind of repellent but I hear you.
Kate – Yep, it’s a very fable-like fable that appeared in my head after smoking some weed. I’m worried about how it will end.
Romeo – No.
Lindsay – Thanks for sticking with me xo
“In my lifetime, I’ve never seen anything this awful and crazy and disgraceful. Surely he is the most incompetent and ignorant leader the world has ever known, and I’m including Idi Amin.”
So Sister I’d ask, in a very specific way, how your personal situation, solely, has been adversely affected by any one (or many as the case may be) specific thing Trump’s done?
I’m wagering you, like me, haven’t been personally affected, one whit, either way. Sure watching cable news makes me think I’ve surely been head-smacked and augured into the ground but then, as I’ve inspected myself for damages, I can’t find anything even a personal injury lawyer’ll consider taking to court on my behalf.
And my searching, asking, pleading with the Bill Clinton “Teamsters” of the former age, for their owned personal damages they’ve been unable to come up with a single thing.