The Karma of Free People


A few days ago, my friend R and I ventured into a Free People boutique, even though we’ve already agreed that their shit is much too expensive. We were both having a Fat Day, but we solved most of our other problems over lunch.

Free People is a shop and brand that I don’t quite understand, like Anthropologie. All the stuff seems retro and young, in a bad way. As we walked toward the sale rack in Free People, we noticed a little dwarf sitting outside the dressing rooms. Suddenly, two other dwarfs emerged from the rooms.

The waiting dwarf scrutinized the outfits modeled on the other two, and said to one of them “It’s cute, I think you should get it.” The girl was wearing some kind of bright little shirt that reached her feet. She looked skeptical.

R and I exchanged excited glances once we were out of sight. We left the shop and immediately expressed out pleasure in seeeing the midgets, even though they were actually dwarfs. We wondered what made them shop at Free People, and whether it was known as being midget-friendly. We also wondered how you could tell if something looked “cute,” since whatever it was would always be misproportioned.

So basically, we allowed ourselves to be mean and insensitive. We figured we could get away with it, since in our everyday lives both of us try hard to do the right thing.

Tonight, I had an uncontrollable urge to buy harem pants, which has been the farthest thing from my mind from the moment I first saw harem pants. But suddenly, now that they’ve largely disappeared from the online shopping sites, I wanted some. My Google search took me to Free People, where I ordered a pair of hideous black rayon harem pants on sale.

The dwarfs are happy now, I can feel it. When the harem pants arrive, I will be reminded of my bad character. I will keep them as a reminder of Karma, and I might even wear them so that Little People and big people too can have a laugh at my expense (which came to nearly $60 after shipping and tax.)

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12 Responses to The Karma of Free People

  1. Jill says:

    Free People clothing is designed for tall thin girls with no bosom. It irks me every time I receive the catalog. I toss it in the trash with a look of contemptuous derision. Don’t judge me for my spelling.

  2. andrea says:

    One reason it is like Anthropologie is because it is the same company as Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie. Actually, the harem pants are hot bad, in a slouchy, laying around on your couch sort of way. I have adopted them as my new at home uniform, all the while pretending I am an editor at French Vogue. My daughter just says it looks like my Depends need to be changed.

  3. annemarie says:

    Hate Free People also. Cheap-looking, over-priced rags.

  4. Ann says:

    Don’t worry about your bad character. I think as long as the midgets don’t give you a blowjobâ„¢, you’re OK.

  5. It’s ok you can be ringmaster in your harem pants to the dwarfs.

  6. Aja says:

    I got some for $5 from H&M. Free People is always a hippie dippy rip off.

  7. Mark says:

    Free People is part of the Urban Outfitters right-wing Christian conglomerate. Avoid them from now on.

    Seeing midgets or dwarves is good luck. The more you see, the better your luck. If you happen to touch a little person, you’re golden. You and R should be enjoying a triple dose of good luck very soon.

    I was once lucky enough to shake hands with a little person at church during ‘peace be with you.’ Afterwards, I did indeed feel peace was with me.

  8. Bex says:

    No!!! I saw a girl in a silver harem pant and it looked horrible!!

  9. David Duff says:

    “Tonight, I had an uncontrollable urge to buy harem pants, which has been the farthest thing from the mind from the moment I first saw harem pants. But suddenly, now that they’ve largely disappeared from the online shopping sites, I wanted some.”

    Philosophers, scientists and psychologists have spent years attempting to define what it is to be a woman. Needles to say, it takes a woman to do it – and in only two sentences!

  10. Andra says:

    Are harem pants snoozy?

  11. Sister Wolf says:

    Jill – I hate the Neiman Marcus sale catalogs. The clothes are so ugly, I feel personally offended.

    andrea – Oh, who doesn’t want to look like their wearing depends?!? Great news.

    Annemarie – Yep. I must accept god’s wrath when it arrives.

    Ann – No hardness whatsoever.


    Mark – Now I’m jealous.

    Bex – I like how you wrote “pant.” Did you do this on purpose??

    David Duff – I’m always glad to help out, you know that.

  12. My H&M Mama harem pants are my favorite and most comfortable maternity pants, and my husband hates them. I think they have to be done once.

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