The Palin Palinoscopy

thanks-heidi-palin-running-medley

“Let’s not all start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, gentleman.” ~ The Wolf,   Pulp Fiction

I know how shocked you are by Mrs. Palin’s announcement today, so I’m going to share the inside scoop.

Yes, she was tweaking on meth. Levi’s mom forgot to tell her how good this batch was, so it wasn’t Mrs. P’s fault. Nothing is ever her fault.

Yes, she asked her kids whether she should resign, and yes, there were four votes of Yes and one “Hell yeah!” Trig swears like a sailor at his young age, but it’s not Mrs. P’s fault. It’s Todd. That dude is all Motherfucker this and Motherfucker that. Naturally, Trigg likes to imitate Grandpa Todd.

Yes, Mrs. P. admitted she was “wired” differently. That’s not her fault! I personally am wired funny. I bump into things and I can’t do arithmetic. So what, I’m still a valuable citizen of this great country of ours.

Yes, she misattributed a military quote to Gen. Douglas MacArthur, but that’s not her fault. She told Piper to look it up and Piper got it wrong. It won’t happen again, believe me.

Yes,   she said that the world needs “more Trigs.” She didn’t mean that Trig should be cloned. God is against cloning! Cloning is science! What she meant was, “I plan to hide behind my developmentally disabled child whenever I need to deflect criticism.” See? It’s pro-life.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes, you have to lead by quitting. Like in basketball, Kobe Beef or whatever his name is, might ensure his team’s victory by walking off the court in the middle of the game.   That’s a sports analogy. Or if you’re fishing, you might cut bait to catch the fish.   That’s like a popular saying in Alaska, you probably don’t get it, but it totally makes sense.

It’s a bold, bold move. The fun is only just beginning.

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24 Responses to The Palin Palinoscopy

  1. Has she gone! You are the victor hence the brilliant medal winner pose at the end. I almost fell on the kitchen floor with laughter but its to dirty – I’m slacking on the house work!

  2. JK says:

    I once had a Professor who had lived in Alaska. I’m gonna repeat something she once said – admittedly it was in a totally different context. (She was directly addressing the older, unattached females, one of whom had asked, “Is it true there are 5 males for every 1 female?”)

    I suppose she may’ve been afraid for her job if half the class took off for Alaska so she framed her response thusly: “There’s an Alaskan proverb: “The odds are good – but the goods are odd.”

    Perhaps Moosewoman (recall, the batch was that good) thought she saw Katie Couric in the gaggle of reporters and thought she (Katie) resembled General MacArthur. If so – then truly – it wasn’t her fault.

  3. Juri says:

    I don’t understand. When she was found guilty of that silly power abuse thing, she declared it a victory and everybody who needed to buy that lie bought it. Couldn’t she just do the same thing with the rumoured criminal investigation, if there is one?

    Also too, when she was still dating Grandpa and trying to save America’s tax money from that black man, wasn’t she supposed to have the power to speak to the Government and say, “hey Government, stop taking my money and the tax payers’ money and wasting it.” Why didn’t she do that now and make the investigations go away:

    “Hey, Government! Stop investigating these crimes of mine on the tax payers’ dime because I love them too much and don’t want them to spend their money on me. Also: troops, trigg, pipeline, remember Alamo and know thy sports. Shoutout to ball players!”

    Something is cooking indeed. I can’t wait for the crap to surface.

    She saved us from Michael Jackson, though, but Team Sara and the hockey moms will have a gloomy Fourth. She chose such a great timing for her resignation message hahaha!

    Oh yeah, the pic is excellent, yours, that is! All you need to make it perfect is a shotgun and a flag. The runner magazine should contact you any day now, now that they need a new pin up. The hockey moms and people of America also need someone to straight to their hearts and fill the void Sarah leaves behind.

  4. Juri says:

    *to talk straight to..

  5. You have much better legs than Sarah, Sister Wolf!

    I can’t wait to find out what the precipitating scandal is. Is Willow pregnant? Does Todd have an Argentine soul mate? The suspense is killing me!

  6. andrea says:

    Nobody says it better than you! NOW I understand.

  7. JK says:

    It’s not a “Palinoscopy” in the sense of a Sister Wolf shoving the tube up Sarah’s self-lubed pubes, butt still:

    http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/04/opinion/04collins.html?_r=1

  8. andrea says:

    FYI, Gail Collins, the woman who wrote the opinion article in the NY Times lives in my building. Love her columns.

  9. JK says:

    Me too, andrea (but I don’t live in ya’ll’s building).

    Just for fun:

    http://www.arkansastimes.com/blogs/arkansasblog/

    Friday, July 03, 2009 – 15:19:47
    Barracuda jumps to another ocean

    The comments are the fun part. Not of the caliber found on Sister Wolf’s mind – oh shit!! Did I type “caliber?”

    I’m outta state Moosewoman !!

  10. hammie says:

    Sis! We have the same runners! yay!! Sadly we do not have the same super toned inner thighs. You could kill someone in a scissor hold my dear. And you obviously cloned yourself about 20 years ago and discarded the old you to chase after unsuitable men perpetually while Sister Clone faced into a supposedly 5th decade looking like a teenager.

    The greatest thing about Sarah Palin is the huge opportunities for satire and parody she unwittingly offers the world. So god bless her and god bless America for continuing to amuse us all. xx

  11. OMGGMAB says:

    I cannot stand the mainstream media’s take that she might be leaving so she can improve her chances and raise money for a 2012 Presidential run. Are you kidding me? She cannot put two sentences together in any intelligent manner. This is not President of the Monopoly board! This is the UNITED STATES. What don’t these repugs get?

    Please pray her away, Sister Wolf. 10 hail marys one our father . . .

  12. Rudy Zarsov says:

    Americas economy is going down the toilet, all I hear from my American Republican friends is secession, armed revolt or Obama is a communist.

    IMO Sarah Palin is the least of your worries.
    How does a population come to the conclusion that an idiot like Sarah Palin is Presidential material and a man with a brilliant mind, from very humble beginnings like Obama is an elitist?

  13. WendyB says:

    Note to self: Don’t have Piper look shit up for me.

  14. Mark says:

    Blackmail, criminal investigation, another Palin teen pregnant or in trouble, footage of Todd boinking someone he shouldn’t be boinking…what could it be? I can’t wait.

    Your coverage of the rancid whore is wonderful, as usual.

    Godammit.com is the only news source I can trust.

  15. ashley says:

    You know I love this. I have forced no less than 18 people from my immediate family to read it. And I hate Arithmetic.

  16. JK says:

    I love Palin’s 4th of Ju-lies. It is Independence Day, fireworks and NO ONE she knows serves on any front-lines.

    Well, unless you accept the guys in the Fox News Center.

  17. JK says:

    Uh oh. Apparently I’m about to get sued.

    “Big-O?” Think what you wish. I was only referring to your mouth, sic your lawyer-dogs on this Thomas Paine Day.

    As for the Huckster well, I’m from Arkansas. I’ve got witnesses.

    As for Sarah? Well you’re gonna get called – ‘cept this time it ain’t gonna be a “loofah” and you will be sworn in PRIOR to giving testimony.

    Bill?

    If Sister Wolf is willing to do a Palinoscopy – well I suppose I could be induced to perform a “O’Really-oscopy?” (Remember – I’ve got Voice-mail and TiVo). You Bill-O, did Malmedy, Coulter said Canada sent troops to Viet Nam.

    The thing is, this is the Fourth of July – at least the very – most end of it- “O” nuff said, Coulter? TiVo’d.

    Fuck with me.

  18. Deni says:

    SW, I would support, assist, volunteer, and vote (with my Canadian vote) for you if you ran for president in 2012.

  19. Bex says:

    Kobe beef is delicious…don’t be confusing it with that other feller…

  20. Aja says:

    I know I probably jumped the gun on this one. But I couldn’t help it! I just got too excited!

  21. cybill says:

    SW you’ve got to read this! http://www.hellogorgeousblog.com/2009/07/some-early-alaskan-fireworks-and.html I’m so excited, what does it all mean?

  22. cybill says:

    I don’t know why my spacing came out like that, I think the server was pleased too.

  23. bill ding says:

    you are so fuck’n funny! you should get like a thousand awards for being so funny! every post on your blog is funny! you are the funniest person on the earth! you are so smart and funny and such a great writer and you are so funny!

  24. Jill says:

    Look at you in your Daisy Dukes!!

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