Friends have asked why I don’t write any more, and I always explain that my brain is mush. I attributed this to my internet addiction; hours and hours of scrolling through the day’s hot and cold takes on pop culture and politics have anesthetized my cognitive processing and continually evoke my cri de coeur, “Jesus Fucking Christ, who cares what anyone thinks about anything?” I have now read a million thought-pieces about a fat body-positivity influencer who now insists she is happy with her husband’s aversion to monogamy. Do you know this one? People are torn between rage and pity. Me, I never heard of her but still put in my time reading about the controversy.
Added to my internet addiction, I now have a diagnosis of sleep apnea, which explains why I wake up exhausted. It’s bad for your heart, blood pressure, and of course, deprives your brain of oxygen! If I believed in god, I would think he has it in for me. I’ve tried the mask thing and also a huge U-shaped pillow called a MomCozy but so far it only functions as a challenge if I want to get up to pee. I’ll probably die from lack of oxygen or breaking my neck disengaging from the MomCozy but I’m trying to hang on until I make a will.
How can I write if I can’t remember the words austere, biopsy, and another one I can’t remember, in the space of two days? Maybe the more words you know, the more horrifying it is to forget them. The more words you know, the more cogent your thinking. So the opposite must apply as well. Struggling to nail a word is like a teeny thwarted orgasm…or maybe not but I can’t retrieve a better comparison. Still, I thought it would be fun to make a list of words I like, after I read instructions to emulsify shampoo. Who doesn’t love emulsify?
I stopped after emulsify. I can only dredge up words I hate. Maybe on my deathbed, I’ll whisper, “panties, sputum, GOAT, girl dad, journey, you got this!” Hate is more abundant because there’s more to hate than to celebrate. Don’t blame me, blame existence. I just read that mutual dislikes are more bonding than mutual enthusiasms. We knew this intuitively, didn’t we? I have a new friend who is so curmudgeonly that his answer to my standard question, “What would you choose for your death-row last meal?” was “Nothing.” Obviously, I was filled with admiration.
I would like to write about Lena Dunham’s memoir, woman taking testosterone, the “maxxing” scourge, Eric Swalwell’s dick pics, my new theory about religious faith, the problem with jeans, Ozempic liars, AuDHD, and progressive hegemony, but only after a good night’s sleep and an uptick in my word retrieval fluency.
Thoughts, suggestions, schadenfreude?
It’s all good, Sister Wolf. Be well.
All I can say is, how I’ve missed you! I wish I had advice but I’m also addicted to the Internet and struggling to recall words (though I’ve been reassuring myself it’s just a byproduct of spending a few months living in Argentina and speaking only Spanish –poorly). Please help us all get through whatever this is that’s happening in the world, by writing whenever and whatever you can!
Tom ISENBERG – I wish that were true.
betty lagogianes – You are so nice! Thank you for missing me, it really means so much. Maybe we can learn sign language, there are probably fewer words to master.
So nice to see a post by you (of any kind!)!
I want to read about all those things you’d like to write about; I’ve actually heard of a few of them.
I, too, HATE the word “panties”. “Blouse” bugs me too. Probably the 2 words I hate the most, though, are “my lunch”. Makes my flesh crawl just to write it out, bleeaghgh….
Please write more often—just make it a Mad Lib if you can’t think of the word ?
Alison – oh god, “blouse”! I can’t even get my mouth to say the word. It’s in the same ballpark as “slacks”, don’t you think? The Mad Lib idea is SO good, thank you!
Long-time reader and admirer here just popping in to say how wonderful it is to hear from you, Sister Wolf. You have my utmost sympathy regarding the sleep apnea situation…I struggle with it myself so I know how completely fucked it is. When I found I could no longer sleep flat on my back for fear of suffocating or choking I splashed out on a beautiful adjustable wicker chaise lounge. The adjustable part was what I needed and adjustable beds were out of my price range. I have two 28×28 square pillows behind me to completely support head, neck, shoulders and back. Hope this helps! Sending warm, healing hugs to you.
Jennifer – I can’t really picture your set-up. Could you send me a photo to sisterwolf666@gmail.com ? I appreciate any help I can get with this!