Whole Foods Adventure

the didgeridoo incident-small


Whenever I walk to Whole Foods with friends, we have an adventure, and not just the one where tall thin women ram you with their shopping carts.

This time, it was a guy with an enormous didgeridoo.  We had been drinking coffee, watching the circus that is Whole Foods, Venice. My friend asked the guy if he had made his didgeridoo, and he said Yes. He added that he used it for Sound Therapy.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I saw a documentary called Kumare, about an American-born Indian guy who decides to pose as a guru, to see if people will fall for it. Sure enough, everywhere he goes, people lap up his idiotic impersonation of a Mystic, exclaiming how they can feel his powerful energy, etc, etc. I found it depressing. People are so stupid. Or as my husband put it, more charitably, “People want someone to follow.”

Anyway, there is a Sound Healer in Kumare who uses a didgeridoo, and he looks alot like the guy at Whole Foods. “Were you in that Kumare movie?” I asked him accusingly. He seemed baffled and said no. He wanted me to sit down and let him demonstrate his therapy. He instructed me to focus on “an intention.”  I asked him if he was going to find out what’s wrong with me, secretly thinking “If he only knew!”

A handsome Black man intervened cheerfully, “Why does there gotta be something wrong with you?” He was wearing a fedora and eating a cup of Whole Foods ice cream. He looked as contented as a human being could be. I didn’t want to spoil his mood by answering him.

The Sound Therapist started blowing into his didgeridoo, moving it slowly up and down my back. It felt great! I could feel the sound waves vibrating through my body and I pretended they were evacuating evil spirits. It was extremely pleasurable.

When he was through, he asked me if I had pain in my lower back, noting that he could sense this with the didgeridoo. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I told him that while I had pain everywhere, my lower back was a place that sometimes hurt.

The truth is, my lower back is probably one of the few places where I don’t feel pain. I don’t believe in any kind of New Age healing. I don’t believe in gurus, gods, angels, the I Ching, the Secret, Tarot Cards, reiki, colonics, or anything else.

Time doesn’t heal either, as we know. But coffee is wonderful and so is Whole Foods, if you don’t buy your groceries there.

This entry was posted in Art, Disorders, Religion and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Whole Foods Adventure

  1. Sam says:

    I wanna go, but only with you.
    I saw some ‘ear candles’ for sale the other day, the packet had a picture of what to do with them.
    It’s possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve EVER seen.
    I don’t believe in any of that new age bull crap either…..not even a fan of old age shit…..
    Coffee is definately the way forward.

  2. sisty says:

    Either that, or he’s blowing smoke up your ass. Your lighter hair looks really great, by the way.

  3. Darque says:

    Thank you – I am now checking Netflix for this… Kumare.

    Ha! My husband has tried to ban me from Whole Paycheck for years, but run-ins with strange people keep me going back. Sometimes I even buy a kombucha on the way out.

  4. Kellie says:

    I think i have always secretly hoped there was something “wrong” with me. It could be “found” by someone else. i could then find a way for it to be easily fixed.
    A pill, a therapy, a balm.
    I now know that there is never an easy fix,and no one has ever found out what is wrong with me, or been able to point at what my problem is.
    But there is something problematic with me, i am sure. I have just tired of seeking it out.

  5. Cricket9 says:

    You look about 15 on this picture – what the hell is wrong with you?! ;-)))

    I imagine that, how shall I say it – being blown at by a didgeridoo can be pleasurable, would give it a try.
    I live in an area with a local shaman, and some people here swear by him. Since there is, for now, nothing wrong with me, I can’t say.
    I don’t believe in any of there things you’ve listed, except tarot cards and I Ching. Not in any mystical way, but sometimes they help to figure out what the heck one wants.
    Whole Foods in Toronto was not nearly as exciting.

  6. Debbie says:

    I agree with Cricket9 … you DO look 15 and I hate you.

    I BELIEVE in ALL THAT STUFF. But a didgeridoo? I don’t know.
    Love your shoes and your tattoo. You are too damn cute.

  7. Hammie says:

    You need to come to Ireland and consult a pub genius. I promise you will feel better. Until you wake up next morning.

    (Guinness makes you fart)

  8. David Duff says:

    Is that what they call ‘a blow job’?

  9. Bessie the Cow says:

    You are a cutie pie my dear. You must have some good and courageous friends who would want to hang out at HolePaycheck.

    As for believing in things:

    All I can say is that the Oracle of Delphi proclaimed Socrates the wisest of all men because he boasted that he knew nothing. He was wise just like Sargent Schultz.

  10. Jaimi says:

    I loved this! And your hair looks amazing!

    My boyfriend and I go to the local Whole Foods for FREE SAMPLES and people watching. I also enjoy mislabeling bulk bin items.

  11. Bessie the Cow says:

    Oye, as far as colonics are concerned they are good for you, but not too often. You don’t have to believe in them for them to work. They help “wash” out all the stuff that may have been sitting a long time in your colon. Have you ever tried one? Try one first before you discount a good colonic. Ask to see what all that shit and hardened mucus is that comes out of you. You may be surprised, and feel better. Also, as for Reiki, just have a massage. We humans, being the social animals that we are, feel better when we touch each other. Massages are good at getting rid of kinks and soreness in muscles. An old Russian Master Massage Therapist (that’s MMT) said always go for the massage, it includes the Reiki. And you don’t have to believe in massage therapy . . . just enjoy it. Personally, I like science based evidence for acceptance of a practice. Both colonics and massage therapy have tons of science behind the practice. Just ask Socrates.
    Love you,

  12. Andra says:

    I believe in the didgeridoo and that’s about it. I wouldn’t want some nut blowing it on my body though. We just don’t do that in Australia (well, not that I’ve ever heard of and I’ve been Australian for a damned long time).

  13. Suspended says:

    I’ve still not stepped inside a Wholefoods (much to everyones horror.)

    I couldn’t give a fuck about their carefully placed apples and polished bananas.

  14. I too am Australian and have never seen a didgeridoo used like that? I guess when people (as a whole) stop believing in God they have to fill the space with something else….like kinesiology for example, which to date, no one has ever been able to explain to me what this is.

  15. Rainbo says:

    This cracked me up. Get this… My brother (who lives in the Hipster capital, Portland OR) told me he was making a didgeridoo. I said, “WHY?” He said, “Because it’s cool.” I just snort laughed at him. He’s such a nerd, but he would never pull didgeridoo shenanigans, at a Whole Foods. But now, I sort of want him to. I loved your reaction, and the observation of the contented black man in the fedora, eating ice cream. Classic.

  16. D says:

    Early Friday morning I was beaten around my head and a few hours later I dived into one of those sweet Asian massage shops that seem to be popping up in shopping centres everywhere. I was so desperate for some hands-on pain-relief and it felt so good to get a neck and back massage, that if that guy rubbed a didgiredoo up and down my back, I swear I would have given him all my worldly possessions. Perhaps that what the suckers are really after – human touch and empathy. You’re looking beautiful SW.

  17. Stacy says:

    You have me curious about the handsome Black man in the fedora. Your taste in men is sublime and has left me wondering if he was handsome handsome or hot damn handsome.
    Yes, the namaste, now get the fuck out of my way crowd. I love going into WF around Dec. 24th and watching the puffed up panic.

  18. Marky says:

    Your hair does look great.

  19. Duff says:

    Late to the party, but you DO look 15 and your hair DOES look incredible. Hope you instilled all kinds of envy in the Pilaticized, plasticized hookers at WF.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *