Here is ol’ 8-pack Dara Torres, post Olympics, appearing on the runway in a New York fashion show. I’d like to say that I photo-shopped this picture but no. She really does look like a man. But she’s sporting a baby, like another Important Mom has done recently.
Are babies the new black? Or do they bring a note of pseudo-femininity to an otherwise mannish woman? Dara needs more than a baby to get my vote, and for all I know, it’s Bristol’s baby. Or Piper’s. Twinkle, Sparrow, Spiker, Trooper, what the hell are the other names? I’ve had a glass of wine to enhance my nightly stupor and it’s just kicking in.
Is it sexist to want women to take care of their baby? Is it sexist to disapprove of women whose baby comes second to some athletic or political achievement? Is it sexist to cry Sexist! when someone belittle’s Mrs. P’s dubious accomplishments? Is it sexist of me to admit I’m sexist?
Well, while I’m lashing out, has anyone seen Meg Ryan’s new face? It’s a horrible twisted mask of her other face, with a wide trout mouth and something a little off with her nose, and the whole thing a painful lesson on not fooling around with nature’s plan for your face. She could have just let it wrinkle and sag, and while she wouldn’t look 25, at least her face wouldn’t be a graphic reminder of bad surgery. Even Meg has a baby that she got in China, just to stay on-trend.
*PAP Smear: Our next meeting will be Monday evening. Bring your notebooks!
Meg Ryan just looks so disturbing these days. I stopped being able to look at her face about five years ago – it’s icky.
As a woman who chose to stay home with her child I can’t even address that other can of worms – I spend my whole life trying to avoid conversations about why I stay home, because someone is always offended by my choice, takes it personally for some reason. Gah.
You have bone structure to die for, or kill for, as many women no doubt would like to do to you when they see your pics. Meg R had one of those cutesy round faces that age HORRIBLY. She had to go under the knife or sag and droop and drip all over the place. Horrible alternative, and one you, my beloved, my darling, my crazed Coastie beast, will never have to, ah, face.
Another example: Madonna has starved her own essentially heart-shaped face (see those early pics of her) into skeletal submission, but her self-butchery of recent weeks reflects the same need to shore up the gravity-beaten “cutesy pie” face of the American “pretty young thing”.
Consider it revenge on the kind of perky round-faced shiksa who no doubt tormented genuinely elegant beauties like you in school. I love the fact that you will never need to risk your own silvery beauty in order to recover a golden past you never had or ever wanted. Why are you free of the horrific possibility of plastic butchery of your magnificent heart-stopping visage?
‘Cause you got dem bones, baby. Dem bones. God was kind to you. He tricked them. God is a Jew!
Oh my! we really are sisters, I was just going to ask you what the fuh is up with Meg Ryan’s face!!?? We have adverts promoting “The Women” on tele, and I had to look twice when they said that it starred Meg Ryan.
Which one is Meg??
I’m with Skye as a stay at home mum. No pressure should be given either way, but don’t look down on someone for being brave enough to give up identity, money and power to do what mammals are supposed to do and nuture our young.
As for that swimmer: Has anyone checked for a dick?
I’m Jus Sayin, is all…..
xx
All this baby-flaunting and plastic surgery is lost on me. I can’t understand anything these days. I must be getting old.
Poor Meg Ryan. Dennis Quaid must have given her hell. That bastard took the best years of her life yet he’s still doable– serious injustice there.
After Mrs. Palin has had my babies I want Mr./Mrs./Ms. [delete as necessary] Torres to have some to!
(Well, at least she’s not wearing black, crap, crepe tights!)
Baby as accessories is mildly preferable to adoped babies as accessories….
Why is Barbie Doll’s boyfriend carrying that child around? She looks old enough to walk, and you don’t have to lift her up every time she asks. Let the child walk. It’s good for them.
And what is that white leash around Ken’s neck?
And why is he wearing Barbie’s shoes?
So many questions. I’m confused..
FORMER PORN STAR FOUND DEAD IN “DISGUSTING FUCKING CIRCUMSTANCES”
Ottawa Canada
The body of Patrick Hellrod, Canada’s third most famous porn star, was discovered today in circumstances the police would describe only as, “Fucking horrible! Beyond fucking belief! My God! My God! I have to puke! Get out of my fucking way!”
After an autopsy was performed (by robots), it was determined that Hellrod’s penis, which had been mysteriously re-attached to his body after disappearing several decades ago at an Alaskan wedding reception, had somehow managed to insert itself into Hellrod’s own rectum, work its way through his intestinal system, and then explode out of his stomach in the form of a Sarah Palin action figure, killing Hellrod in the process.
How the penis managed to force itself into Hellrod’s rectum, burrow all the way through him to his stomach, somehow change in appearance to a Sarah Palin doll, is mysterious. “Yeah, but who gives a fuck?” said Ottawa villain-in-chief Snidely Whiplash. “The point is Palin got her own back. You know what I mean? You don’t fuck somebody like her up the ass and then just leave. I mean, c’mon. You fuck someone up the ass, you gotta mean it just a little bit, don’t you?” said Whiplash, twirling his mustache and masturbating ferociously. “Hellrod thought he was different. Well, guess what, SHE begs to differ!”
The exact circumstances of Hellrod’s grisly demise are “totally fucking disgusting beyond fucking belief! I told you I need to puke! Get the fuck out of my way!” said Ottawa police chief Dudley Do-Right in a public statement.
It appears that after inserting itself into Hellrod’s rectum, the errant member managed to separate itself from Hellrod (again), burrowing more and more deeply inside the former porn star’s body.
“No wonder there was all that screaming last night,” said Bellefleur Odeurife, a neighbour. “Mon dieu, I thought that bastard would never shut up. My head still hurts. I hate him.”
After entering Hellrod’s stomach, the penis began to grow. “It was just like that movie Alien. Except it wasn’t. ‘Cause it wasn’t an alien. It was this dick,” said Butcher McMeaty, Ottawa’s chief coroner. “But man, when it decided it wanted back out again…well, hooo-ey!”
Continued on page 6. “Hellrod’s hellish rod hell…”
PORN STAR WAS CANADA’S PRIDE AND DISGUST
The late Patrick Hellrod was Canada’s third most famous porn star, after Peter North and Erik Everhard. Hellrod lacked North’s ability to ejaculate on demand, and was nowhere near as hot and hunky and oh-so cute as Everhard, but he was “willing to pay to be in our movies, and pay a lot of coin too”, said Seymour Butts, porn producer and director. Butts, whose series of outdoor Canadian porn shoots “Alberta Ass Attack”, “Cum Guzzling Grizzlies” and “Quebec is all Queer!” featured Hellrod as Gofer, Key Grip and Wardrobe Assistant to the Fluffer, and helped to establish Hellrod as the porn’s industry’s “Most Useful Butt Monkey”, an award he won for several years running “back when butt monkeys had a function, you know pre-DVD, VHS stuff, that kind of shit”, said Butts.
“He was just basically this useless fucking loser”, said Bristol Palin, who appeared in dozens of Butts movies under the names “Sarah Palin” and “Cindy McCain” several years ago. “Look, nobody liked him, okay? Serves him right that his own dick butt-fucked him to death.”
John McCain said he would be attending the funeral. “Hellrod was my mentor”, said the Republican candidate for President. “I try to model myself on him in everything I do. One day, I hope to die like him.” Barack Obama, McCain’s rival for the Presidency, could not be reached for comment. Rumours that Obama and Hellrod were the same person have been denied…
FUNERAL DIRGE
My heart is heavy, my eyes are moist,
The depth of my sadness cannot be voiced.
Patrick Hellrod, my light, my life,
He was our hero in a time of strife.
His mind, his soul, his heart, his guts,
His laugh, his smile, his cock, his nuts,
No skank too vile, no whore too low
Anything at all, he would blow.
His career was long, and inspired some hate,
For the beautiful and gifted, this is a common fate.
He fucked all kinds of pussy and all kind of arse,
It’s tragic that his end involved so much farce.
People can be cruel, and their envy acid,
They’re really pissed off because they are flaccid,
Hellrod, on the other hand, was made of iron,
And he had the prose style of a porno Byron.
It’s all the fault of hateful Sarah Palin
And the day she said “I need a nailin!”
It was the day she was supposed to wed,
It is because of that day Hellrod is dead.
Hellrod liked all kind of pussy,
Shape or size–he wasn’t fussy.
So when this bitch asked for a “good deep dickin”
Hellrod stepped up where lesser men were too chicken.
Because this was one truly terrible bitch,
Sly and smug, oh! A nasty witch.
She stuck her rump up in the air,
Hellrod dutifully plowed without a care,
But this bitch, oh god! my heart is so tore
She is such an awful fucking whore.
Her rectum had TEETH–I know not how,
No doubt she stole them from a moose cow
And had them surgically inserted at a hefty price
And which she planned to use for dick to splice.
And so poor Hellrod, oh can you imagine the mess!
The pain and humiliation I can only guess.
He struggled on as best he could.
But it was difficult without his manhood.
But one day, a few years later,
He saw a bag in an elevator.
There seemed to be something large inside
And indeed there was! Oh how he cried!
The joy, the relief, he thought his troubles were over,
On porn sets now he would no longer be gopher.
He was back, reborn a true A-lister,
Lover, fucker, fighter and fister.
Alas it was not to be, the evil one had another plot,
You see, in Hellrod’s rod, she had cut a small slot
Into this slot, she inserted a micro chip,
And this chip would soon let it rip.
But Hellrod unknowingly ran away home,
And wrapped his hands around the mighty cone.
He rubbed and rubbed, to climax he raced!
And fell asleep with a smile on his face.
But when he awoke, he did not feel so great,
He wondered if it was just something he ate.
Eventually he peeked down to look at his cock,
But lo! Oh sweet jesus! What a shock!
You know the story, you have read the newspapers
You know all about this bitch’s capers.
The chip transformed itself into an action figure
In his rectum and then stomach it grew bigger and bigger
Until at last out of Hellrod’s belly it burst
And Hellrod died, but not before he cursed:
“You fucking bitch! This is so wrong!
Why can’t we all just get along?”
Hellrod’s absence has left a deep hole in my heart,
I can’t believe he’s gone because of that skanky tart.
Is he really gone? Will he never come back?
Will all my days now be black black black?
We need you Hellrod, this is our Hour of Need!
We’re fucked without you–Come back I plead!
Didn’t JC resurrect himself on the third day?
Can’t you do the same? Then do it, I say!
Raise up yourself and FIGHT WITH ME!
This is not the time to a pussy be!
Come back to us and help us fight
Before the world falls into eternal night
Come back Hellrod. I’m talking to you!
Come back and start the fight a-new.
You owe it to us–if I may be so blunt–
To help us catch this motherfucking cunt.
“This is not the time to a pussy be!”
jesus christ, I can’t stop laughing!!! It hurts!
I need to pad out my Princeton application and I’m seriously thinking that I should add ‘fucked up the shitter by Patrick Hellrod, winner of Canadian Adult Film industry’s “Most Useful Butt Monkey” award. I should be a shoe-in…no?
I forgot…what fuck, is she-mountain wear pearls, heels and an effing SKORT!!!!
Golly-gosh, talk about laugh – I nearly did!
Didn’t JC resurrect himself on the third day?
Can’t you do the same? Then do it, I say!
Raise up yourself and FIGHT WITH ME!
He’ll come again!
You are brilliant and twisted annemarie. Will you marry me?
Princeton might have doubts Imelda. But Yale…they’ll let you in on a scholarship. I believe Hellrod himself was a member of the secret society known as the Boneheads, or something similar. He and W were roommates, and W used to get dolled up in his cheerleader outfit and Hellrod would sodomize him while chanting the Yale football fighting song:
BOOLABOOLABOOLABOOLABOOLABOOLA
While Annemarie and Patrick drive around looking for a Motel 6, I want to tell you sis that I have tagged you for some awards I got.
I know, I know that they are not really in your size, but will do until I can come up with an original logo* for the Avenging Angel award I promised.
xx
*(or change the one I plan to rip off by 15% so I don’t get sued)
Her rectum had TEETH–I know not how
It’s the Shakespearean diction “I know not how” that just cracks me the fuck up every time I read that line.
You’re a genius annemarie.
Blimey and there’s me just looking for some flacid comments on Meg Ryan and I enter a world of porn brokers.
Bonkers and that’s just the photo of she-he.
Yes, Make do, it’s a little crazy in this comment thread.
I am just letting Love blossom here, however prurient it may be. (and I like your choice of the word ‘flaccid!’)
You stop it now Sister Wolf! Don’t encourage him! Our relationship is strictly professional!
It doesn’t matter anyway– he doesn’t know that I have genital warts and a beard! hahaha!
aaaah SHIT!
I. don’t. believe. you.
My love for you is real. Now you have a stalker too! You and lovely Sister can share notes.
You can even share me. If you want. I’m very non-possessive that way.
As if. No sloppy seconds for me, Patrick.
this blog is insane. i think i like it.
good god, and they had to put a rope of pearls on her.
oh wow. i just wanna punch her, just to feel that steely musculature.
woman of steel!
on humm… maybe not just punch. maybe also bite. so sinewy. *chew chew chew*
meg ryan makes me sad. she used to look so cute with her funny swinging wide legged walk and tomboyish casualness. but now she looks all puffy. like puffer fish. puffy and poisonous. poor chinese baby got a puffer fish momma.
I am Greek, so I don’t have a freaking clue who this woman in the picture is, but she doesn’t look like a man. She looks like a female athlete. It’s called muscles, men and women have them and they’re definitely not a bad thing.
Was nota massive fan of Banco or Fonts but I can see why they get the nod. The remainder of the l ist is great. Good year, wonderful l ist.