When I met Max’s dad, I was 16 and living in London. He was 21, the rebellious product of a repressed English upbringing. We were both hedonists, devoted to smoking dope all night and sleeping most of the day.
Years passed and we became the most mismatched couple you could ever imagine. He developed a knee-jerk respect for any kind of authority; I reveled in rejecting it. He somehow became a Republican. I continued to be a bleeding heart liberal. He continually worried about What the Neighbors Would Think. I ridiculed his conformity.
For a long time, I considered this marital battlefield a benefit to our son. In my view, Max had been exposed to different philosophies and different sensibilities. This would enrich his thinking and give him a chance to decide for himself what he believed in…what kind of person he wanted to be.
Now I wonder how difficult it must have been to grow up with such conflict. I think that kids want stability more than anything, and they aren’t served by conflicting role models. I feel really bad about this, although I can’t change history. All this duality can only foster a terrible sense of conflict. Mom is a lazy hippie and dad is a tense workaholic. Their opposing natures aren’t yin and yang. They’re just a clash of belief systems that wears everyone down.
Max’s dad and I finally split up and I found the right husband, but to this day we need an interpreter to help us communicate, since we are from different planets if not galaxies.
Did any of you grow up with mismatched parents? Was there any redeeming aspect to this, or was it just torture?
Wretchedly mismatched parents, and the only redeeming aspect to it was that I was relieved, not distraught, when they divorced. And also it killed in its cradle the myths about opposites attracting, which has been genuinely helpful in my adult life.
oh sister wolf am so sorry for the past. you were so young back then.
am always thinking of you.
Well my parents are perfect for each other. I can see how they grew old together. But when i was young and my parents we’re struggling with their jobs, i did feel some strain then. I think i was 5 or 6 and i can still remember vividly to this day. Mom was 20 when she had me and dad was 27.
btw, am going to be a mommy soon. Am 13 weeks pregnant now. Am 30, but i still feel inadequate. Am happy and excited but so afraid at the same time, cos when i look back 10 years ago when i began to rebel against my mom, oh boy what a nightmare.
No, my parents were perfectly matched. And it was still all fucked up. Life is crazy.
I grew up with mismatched parents. My dad was a military brat with an abusive father and my mom came straight from Korea with a loving family. Growing up I never really saw my parents communicate, let alone tell each other that they love each other. Throughout the time I wished they would divorce and I still do to this day. Both, my sister and I, are old enough to understand that they can go their own separate ways. I’m honestly praying for that day to happen because I cannot stand seeing my parents in this type of relationship. I’ll be honest with you…my father should never have had a family and it didn’t help that he had us. It honestly really didn’t.
I, too, married the exactly wrong man for me. We started dating when I was 16, and had so little self-esteem that the only criterion necessary for a boyfriend was that he liked me. We got married when I was 22. I had “looked around” for “the” man I thought I was looking for, but hadn’t found him, and couldn’t think of a good reason not to marry D.
We had 2 children, then adopted another; I went to great lengths, over 20 years, to convince myself that we could be happy. That the things I thought I needed didn’t exist, or I could live without. I blamed myself for my unhappiness, constantly trying to convince myself that I could, would, should, do better. (“Gotta knuckle down, and be okay with this; but that star-struck girl is already someone I miss.” ani difranco)
I also thought that keeping my “family” together was more important than my own personal happiness.
I realized, suddenly, that I was providing the worst possible example for my children — that of all of the lessons I was hoping to impart to them, that of knowing themselves and then finding the one who would love exactly that was the most important one. What they were learning, instead, was to stumble through life, making decisions by not making decisions, and to settle for a relationship that was unrewarding, unsatisfying, incomplete.
I took a leap. Asked for a divorce, bought a house I could barely afford, and started putting together a life.
I’m married now, to the man I looked for at 20. I no longer feel that all of the good stuff has already happened. I look forward to ending every day with him. I only hope, for the sake of my children, that I did it in time.
At the same time, I don’t discount the possibility that my children have benefited from exposure to the different “philosophies” of their very different parents.(I of course hope that they adopt mine, and find that the traits that cause me the most difficulty from my children are the ones that irritated me most about my first husband.) And maybe, too, it helps bring home to them the importance of waiting. Of figuring out who you are first, before you try to figure out how to be with someone else.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and that whatever else Max might have become will be lost to you forever. From what you’ve said about him, though, he already had a pretty good idea of who that was, and I think he brought you a lot of joy. Someone once said that having children is like having your heart walk around outside your body. My oldest son lives 300 miles away, was cheated out of a full-time job and is working at a smoothie shop trying to pay his rent and utilities and groceries and save up enough to make his contribution to his college education. I worry about him every day.
You did your best. We’re all just doing our best. He loved you for it, I’m sure.
My parents are complete opposites. They got divorced when I was so young I barely remember them together. Both of them raised us because we would spend half the week at our dads and half at our moms.
I think the duality and the difference between them really made me who I am today. I don’t think you have anything to feel bad about. You are so right when you said kids can hear different sides and decide on their own. Kids that grow up in a diverse environment don’t see it as confusing and stressful. I think I just learned how to manage and you learn that you can love people from both sides, which not everyone understand when they grow up in a single sided family.
My mother is out spoken, liberal, strong willed, and refused to coddle us, (she used to tell me to stop crying if she thought I was just being dramatic). My father is passive, non confrontational, traditional mexican who used to let us stay home and eat enchiladas in bed if we were feeling even a little bit blue. I can honestly say I love them both with all of my heart and I feel like without them both I wouldn’t be who I am today. I wouldn’t say they were conflicting role models and having them both raise me wasn’t confusing or stressful. You learn things from both of them, and most importantly, you aim to be the best you can based on the best qualities of each parent.
Similarly though, I am glad my parents divorced because they have since both found partners who are much better suited to themselves. People think divorce is the end of the world for children, but because both my parents stayed in my life, it wasn’t really all that bad. Kids are much more observant and adaptive then people give them credit for.
overall, I don’t think you should feel bad at all. From what you’ve written about your son, it sounds like he was well adjusted, unusually bright, and incredibly talented. Although I don’t want to take anything away from your son, I think it’s safe to say that you and his father should be proud of the role you both played in making him the amazing person he was.
My parents are as different as night and day. My mother Christian, slightly conservative (I often joke if she weren’t black, she’d be a republican), sometimes uptight and not good at coping with change. My father, hippie, new agey, big on traveling (something my mother doesn’t get a kick out of) and very easy going. For years as a teen I wondered how they managed when they were so different. Now, both close to retirement, they’ve drifted closer towards a middle ground. Or maybe my Mum’s just become less uptight. But now, they pretty much compliment each other. And I think growing up with both parents being how they are, allowed me to see both sides of the picture fully. I know what I like, I know what I don’t like. But when it comes down to it, our hearts sway to the left, each and every time.
One of my earliest memories is coming in from the garden to see my mum hurling a plate at my dad’s head, and it missing by inches. My parents were also mismatched. Mum was and is a typical cancer– home and family oriented, wanted to set down roots. Dad was a sort of gypsy-sailor… happiest on his boat, happiest when traveling. They split up when I was 4, and argued every time they had to speak to each other.
I often think that it’s probably this complete opposition that brings people together, underneath it all, and that it’s our job, as the children of these two complete opposites, to reconcile them somehow. For example, my entire life has been this conflict of needing a home, but also needing to be a gypsy. To run away from connecting to anything, while at the same time desperately craving that intimacy. If I look at the universe not as something with meaning or a master plan, but as this great evolution of matter (and archetype) it makes more sense, to me, this reconciliation. *shrug* But then I’m always trying to make sense of things, and some things just don’t make sense.
Lots of love. So much love.
x
My dad met my mom because he used to cheat off of her during college chemistry tests. She turned him in to the dean and he was on academic probation for a semester. And then they got married.
My dad is a classic case overcompensating narcissistic personality. My mother is a classic battered wife / doormat. He thrives on this relationship dynamic. Highly differing personalities that are entirely complimentary but with no redeeming aspects whatsoever.
My response was to move to the other side of the country and excel in university to in order to a) escape the fate of becoming my mother and b) prevent myself from possibly murdering my father.
Despite my somewhat homicidal impulses, the negative influences in my upbringing served as motivation to academically, geographically and psychologically distance myself and develop an assertive personality to counter my fathers aggressive dominant nature. I like to think I used the characteristics inherited from my father for good instead of evil.
I do not know the details of the relationship dynamic between yourself and your ex, however it seems the clashing belief systems between yourself and Maxs father indicate that he had two role models with strong convictions. Maybe it wasnt the best situation for him at times, and the lack of unity may have troubled him, but at least his parents each stood for something and did not submit to the others ideals.
My mother only serves to work, cook, clean and listen to my fathers broken record delusions of what prevented him from fulfilling his alleged potential, which she then parrots to me like a souless stepford wife. She has no convictions or beliefs of her own and she never stands up for herself. I don’t even really know who she is, or if she was always such a shell of a person.
Sister Wolfe let go of an guilt. I too grew up in a battle zone for the first 10 years of my life, but there was nothing but relief that came from the much needed split. It was not torture, it was just the way it was and now it is long forgotten.
Even at a young age I realized my parents were mismatched, and even now (at 40) I wonder what the attraction was. The good thing to come out of a bad situation is that you know what not to do in your own relationships. Also, since they are both now remarried and happy, I have even more people in my life to love and love me.
My parents are not meant to be together.
In my childhood there were 3 separate times where they seriously considered a divorce. One time it got as close as leaving my sister and me in the car while they went to see a lawyer (luckily the office they went to only handled auto-related cases)
My mom is a very strong force, with an abusive tongue and never knowing when to stop. She also cannot admit mistakes and blames everyone else. My dad is the only son out of 7 children and growing up in rural China, it meant he was supposed to be a strong male head. Instead he is passive and unable to keep up to with my mom’s demands. It doesn’t help that he’s absentminded and not as intelligent as her, forcing my mother to bear all the work of raising a household.
This is a relationship where there is no respect for each partner but growing up my sister and I were not sheltered from this truth and made us aware to the realities of life. We were more likely to question rather than just trust what someone told you.
I think the redeeming facto is what Felicia said: “You learn things from both of them, and most importantly, you aim to be the best you can based on the best qualities of each parent.”
Oh Sis, I am supposed to be ringing my Mum right now and giving my condolences for the death of her sister, My Lovely Aunty Glen.
But now I just want to yell at her and ask why she didn’t have the balls to leave my Dad; like Glen who left 2 wankers and raised her kids alone, in style.
My mum was and is a depressive passive aggressive thanks to a lifetime of bullying by her Mum, My Dad and probably her big sister too. She never connects with her daughters, unless it is to seek sympathy for the bullying; and when we do try to relate to her she sells us out the minute My Dad demands her attention back.
He is a depressive, aggressive bully.
But you have to break out of that pattern and be who you are – for the sake of your kids. You are who you are – you don’t have to be a victim of your upbringing. But you can draw from it and use it for good.
Max has a great Mum -You gave him love, that is nothing to regret. xx
oh and Anna:
“Despite my somewhat homicidal impulses, the negative influences in my upbringing served as motivation to academically, geographically and psychologically distance myself and develop an assertive personality to counter my fathers aggressive dominant nature. I like to think I used the characteristics inherited from my father for good instead of evil”
SNAP! xx
My parents weren’t hiedously mismatched, they just fell into the small minded English village ideal of Mum stays at home and minds the kids whilst Dad commutes to London for his office job. Gradually the tension built up because they were essentially living different lives-never really talking to each other- until one year ago this tuesday my Dad walked out on my mum, 2 months after their 25th wedding anniversary and a fortnight before my 17th birthday.
The upside? It made me strive harder academically and now I’ve secured a place at a brilliant university and am moving to London, and I will sure as hell never put what society dictates as a perfect/ideal marriage/family above what I need.
SW, don’t judge yourself too harshly. I know alot of friends with mismatched parents, and most of them are far happier than those with Stepford wives style families.
Oh dearest Sister Wolf I’ve spent lots of time analysing how good/bad a parent I’ve been. What could/would I have done differently. And I’m from a really loving, caring home. I had to tell my parents off for not arguing in front of us because I didn’t learn how horrid people could be. I thought it was normal to be smiley and nice, to lounge around listening to music, reading books, discussing politics at the dinner table. To stay up late with adults and have a laugh and ply them with drinks to see them fall over.
I still have a laugh with my parents now but I really did have to learn some things the hard way and it was painful. Sometimes being cocooned from things has its downside too. I would choose being loved and cared for over any cruelty, abuse etc but a bit of healthy rowing might have come in useful too.
Mismatched, perfect for each other – truthfully I don’t think there is a magic formula for setting an example.
My mom and dad are a terrible match – they fought constantly when I was small, and still do. Before I knew what divorce was, I wished they would have one – I used to fantasize about my dad marrying friends divorced moms, and me living in a happy home. Like Rebecca, I have early memories of my mom throwing things at my dad, and the yelling all night, every night from downstairs as me and my little brother hugged each other in our room, and I told him it would all be fine. I didn’t have a clue. My mom did the typical thing my whole life – bitched about my father and what a prick he was – (he wasn’t, she is a bully to everybody, and an angry and deeply unhappy person) – and tried to turn me against him. I cannot stand her, I would say I hate her, but that would require emotion.
My father can be awful too but his heart is in the right place most of the time. I have no idea what he ever saw in her or what brought them together. They continue to fight horrifically to this day and my father seems to think it is completely normal – it is not. He say ‘every couple has fights’ – true, but not to the extent I grew up with, and he refuses to acknowledge that this could affect small children. It is really the denial of the past and various things that happened that is most hurtful.
All I know from what I have seen with them is what I DON’T want. I love a good productive argument but not a painful crying one, and I won’t stay with somebody who thrives on that. I won’t be bullied. I stand up for myself. I am quick to get rid of people from my life if I feel they have done me wrong (not necessarily a good thing – I can be very cold). I have real commitment issues and will probably never marry. I pray to GOD i don’t turn out like my mom.
Lots of the stories here really resonate with me and it actually feels so much better to know I am not alone! Most of my friends have happily divorced parents, or pretty functional familial relationships.
I think Max was lucky to experience a ‘bad’ relationship and learn from it, and he is lucky you got divorced. I wish mine would have.
Your site, Sister Wolf, has been an AMAZING help in showing me I am not a freak and my reactions to this upbringing are not unusual. Thank you.
Mothers are not perfect, u do a lot of mistakes, but u gave the life to us and this is sooooooooooo essential that the other things are secondary. Please dont blame yourself for anything, u are an amazing mother, all the things u did, even if they were worng, u did them thinking that were the best for your son and this is the important thing. The society is very chauvinist and always blame the mothers for everything, fathers never blame theirselves, why??? U did the best cause u are the best.
About my childhood, i´m gonna confess you i had a hippie mother too!!!And i lovedddddddddddddddddddddd her…I had a quite strange beginning, cause my parents were hippies and they were…. lets say in bad stuff (i cant give more details here). I dont remember much cause i was only a baby but my brother and my sister (especially him, cause he is 4 years older) saw a lot of arguments and terrible things. But finally, were very lucky cause my mother could get out of all this shit and bring us to my granny´s house, where i´ve been very happy around my aunties, my uncle, my crazy granny and my amazing hippie mother…We hadnt got a father, we had bad moments that the other “normal family” kids didnt have, but we developed a very especial thing that made us espeial, strong and original. My mother died 10 years ago, I used to think she wasnt a normal mother and I blamed her all the time for all…Then i lost her and I realised how fucking fantastic, amazing and IMPORTANT she was…She couldnt give us a “normal” childhood, but she gave us the best, and we are now like we are cause her, and the debt i have with her is the biggest thing in my life, for ever.
You hippy, especial mothers, u are the best, we dont need a perfect family, we just need your love and im sure Max had all.
Hope to not bother you with all this stuff, and sorry about my English, Im Spanish and I learnt it a few time ago 🙂 Kisses, Sister.
Like Earthier said, I hope you can step away from guilt.
My parents were children when they had me, as you were when you had Max. I doubt my mother had any political views of her own ( she died before I could find out), and my dad is Mr Republican or what ever branch of conservative equals that. I don’t think that matters one bit though. My family was fucked in its own way, despite that and while I say that, I believe it was perfect as it was. As trite as this may sound, everyone did the best they could at the time, and continues to do so.
I have no idea what ideal is, because I have never seen it. I will probably experience it, when I am pure energy, outside of this body. and that is OK.
When I observe my sister raising her children, I see that it is in love, and (most of the time) consciousness ( don’t know if that makes sense). She and her husband agree on a lot, yet they are on different wavelengths, on some things.
Who knows what path the girls will take. I see tendencies in both of them, that remind me of Natalie and Me when we were little, and often I get scared and project possible and not so favorable circumstances for them, as I chose a difficult path. I finally let go of worry for them, and I love and see them for who they are, as souls growing into who they are each meant to be. I think that is the best for everyone.
I will not have children, so I won’t know the pain you feel. Nothing I, or anyone else can say to you, will ease your pain, you are going to feel it, but my wish for you, is to not to add to it, by beating yourself up for your past. Know that you gave your love, and that is the most important thing you could have given. Max knows you loved him, and I am quite certain he loved you too.
My comment is the same as Suebob’s.
All my love xoxo
My parents, laterally, could not have been more opposite.
Initially my mum was attracted to the fact my dad drove a motorcycle, was in a band and didn’t shirk a fight, then as he got older he mellowed out but she still wanted to go out and have fun, go dancing, get dressed up. She had a huge sense of fun, but my father became quiet and introverted and disliked going out intensely, after leaving the band.
They fought constantly when I was growing up. I remember my mum picking me out of my bed at 3am because she was leaving him. Wandering barefoot up the street to my grans in my nightgown at 5 years old at 3am. She was always leaving him and I found myself waking up in different houses quite often.
If she was mad at me the ultimate insult was that I was “just like your dad”. But despite the constant fighting I grew up around, the only negativity I took away from it is that I have a nervous reaction to doors banging and an intense dislike of confrontation. But apart from that I know that, inspite of their obvious differences, the one thing they agreed upon was that they adored and loved their only child, and I meant the whole world to them. And that was all that mattered.
As you well know….my family life was far from blissful.
Always tough with a Dad that only see one side,(his), and a Mom who pretty much is always wrong, or at least believes she is.
But, I think regardless of how different they are I think we all learn from our relationships. Dad taught me to be strong, decisive, Mom taught me to be generous, loyal. What our parents show/teach, lets us make choices. My Mom drank…..I don’t. My Dad punished us by not talking/looking at us…I try and be open to see both sides…(TRY)
Look at all us kids…so very different.
We all choose to be different, to absorb things differently.
We are not all a product, only of our upbringing. We just don’t always make the best choices, or the right choices.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine the pain, loss, emptiness. My heart goes out to you and Nick.
Kram, Sister K.
i think that each child comes into the world and is already on its own path. i used to think that all a child needs is love, but a kid can get all that and still suffer.
my husband and his sister are adopted. they have the nicest parents in the world. the husband is grateful for the idyllic childhood he had. his sister, on the other hand, thinks she had a terrible childhood. she tears up when she talks about her birth mother’s death, even though the mother died over 20 yrs ago and SHE NEVER MET HER.
my brother and i couldn’t be more different– he’s touchy, angry, volatile, always thinks he got the raw end of the stick, that his suffering gives him a license to abuse people, etc.
you know the story of my childhood– violence, death, alcoholism, mania. i worked hard to distance and distinguish myself from it, which i was very successful at until i eventually cracked up and lost the plot in my early twenties.
(Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome– if a person is locked in the fight-or-flight state for a prolonged period of time, the constant pumping adrenaline and cortisol through the body can eventually cause a complete physical and emotional collapse in the organism. I hope you are looking after yourself Sister Wolf.)
But sometimes I wonder about that PTS diagnosis. i think all that anxiety/depression probably would have happened to me anyway. everyone i know who has the same intellectual inclinations as me is the same way, has a similar emotional landscape and similar thought process, no matter where they came from. we’re the sensitive, “deep-thinkers”; the world is bound to wound us, even if it doesn’t mean to.
You were and are a great mother, Sister Wolf. You love your children with fearless abandon. you are always on their side. you respect them. that’s the best start you can give to a kid, the best four walls. the rest of the story is just moving furniture around.
I just don’t think having mismatched parents is any bad or worse than any other problem. The fights are the real culprit. What Fucked me up was the fact that I had to live thru years of fights. It gets to a point that people simply hate each other. I remember desiring with all my being that they got divorced. When they did, I was already and adult, and the damage was done.
But here’s is nothing like the peace of a house when the source of conflicts leaves forever.
I think I could have hit the person that says “it’s better to stay together for the sake of the kids”.
Annemarie I could not agree more. We all love our children the best we know how some just know how to more effectively thats all.
Sister don’t ever doubt yourself as a mother EVER!!!!
Try not to feel guilty, Sister. You were a wonderful mother to Max, exactly what he needed, and none of this is your fault.
Oh yes, terribly mismatched. It wasn’t pure torture, they didn’t fight loudly or openly, just those strained silences, and mother’s vodka. It was a relief when they divorced. Frankly, I’ll never understand what drew them together.
And I agree with Make Do Style, there is no magic formula. As parents we all do the best we can.
my parents were perfect for each other , so when my dad beat the hell out of me my mother always though he was correct to do so. so there you go.
Couldn’t say. Dad walked out before I was a year old, off to pursue his destiny to become a millionaire (he’s now 50 and penniless and bitter). And step-dad killed himself when I was 10.
My mom and step-dad were pretty much perfect for each other, but in the end, depression almost always wins. His death destroyed my mom’s health within a year and made for a long slog of an adolescence.
My mom is the quintessential Gemini and always has been; mercurial, moody, and unpredictable. Discipline was incredibly uneven as a result- a fight at school might get an indifferent “oh well”, but not putting a dish in the dishwasher might bring the ax down. Or it might not. Coming home from school was “like a box of chocolates”, as they say- I never knew what I was going to get.
That, at least, made me wish for a two-parent household. Two parents means there’s always an appeal system and a second opinion. On that front, my step-dad was no help. He was just a backup singer for whatever my mother wanted to warble.
Basically, I would have wanted two parents, whether they agreed philosophically or not, to just set up a fucking comprehensible, predictable system of rules and punishments and stick to it. It’s not that kids need parents that are in ideological lock-step. They just need a system that’s reasonably fair and that they understand, and that both parents have agreed on. And finally, they need their parents to balance out when one gets emotional and unreasonable.
My parents were the Romeo and Juliette moderates, raised, respectively, in actively political, staunchly liberal or republican families.
My grandparents on my dad’s side marched on rumsfelds front porch, ran campaigns, were put on the “no-fly” list and then finally moved to australia-
while my grandparents on my mom’s side were and still are stodgy, border-line racist and the parents of a woman who once worked for newt gingrich for 10 years (my mom’s sister.)
I’d say the inter-familial war of ideologies works better when removed a generation- but is still not without its stress. The different sides of my family are constantly trying to “win” me and my sister (as a result, I’ve been to three conventions, one republican and two democratic.)
Generally speaking though, I think the political warfare has made me pretty balanced, free thinking, open minded and able to form my own decisions about politics AND my own interests and values.
I think the problem would be, not the political conflict, but the conflict in life style. laid back vs. workaholic. Except you’re probably an most intense “laid-back” person. and I think having two intense parents is a really difficult thing to grow up with- especially since that means you’ve most likely inherited the intensity yourself.
(one thing that unites both of my extended families is INTENSITY and wino-ism. I think any family rooted conflict I have derives less from the opposing political views and more from the varied lasers of intensity of each family member.)
In the end, I get to roll my eyes at hippies AND conservatives. Its a very high and mighty feeling, whatever my own internal conflicts are.
but, as I said, my parents are stable (together, atleast.)
(I did alot of back patting in this response but oh well.)
My parents were and still are clueless about what to do with me, their weirdest, most incomprehensible child. They never made an effort to find out who I really am, never encouraged me to try anything, never pushed me to excel at things I was obviously interested in (if you noticed your child dancing all the time, would you enroll her in dance classes or just ignore it? my parents just ignored it).
My “real” father is a drunk who has disowned me because I had the nerve to say I never wanted to see him again after he tried to push me out a third storey window. My stepfather provided me with a “roof over my head and clothes on my back” and that is apparently, in his mind, all one needs to do when one has a child.
My mom and my stepfather are still together. I don’t know why. Every time I call my mom to talk, she spends the entire time talking about how much she hates him.
Basically I can’t fucking stand my family. You sound like you did an awesome job, though, Sister. Leave that guilt behind. It will do nothing but eat you up. Max is gone and that’s terrible, but you are still here, and he’d want you to be happy. I know it.
My goal as a mother(my daughter is 2) is to accept whoever my daughter becomes. My parents had no idea what to do with me either, since I was so unlike both of them.
Once I went to college and moved out, they finally learned to respect that I would do things my way and that I would never be like them.
All I hope for is that I dont impose my expectations on her and that I let her develop into whoever she wants to be.
I grew up with only one belief system–the right-wing Republican/Fundamentalist Christian one–being thrown at me from all sides. At the time it provided stability. Later on, it fostered a lot of guilt and personal anguish when I started to realize I didn’t believe those things I had been taught. But since that’s ALL I had ever been taught, I thought there must be something fundamentally wrong with ME, not the beliefs. So many of the things I was taught were wrong, and deep down I know it, but I can’t help but feel guilt over forsaking those teachings. I wish I had had one parent who said something different. Or even just said “figure it out for yourself.”
the redeeming aspect of my parent’s mismatched union is that it’s the only way I or my siblings could have arrived on this planet! I only wish that my mother could have had the experience of living with a loving partner. You found yours, thank goodness. I bet it made Max very happy.
So incredibly sorry for your loss.
I grew up with mismatched parents. My Mom is a Republican who loves Palin and goes to a Pentecostal, tongue-speaking church. My Dad is very liberal, Catholic and in AA. They divorced when I was three. The mismatch didn’t bother me, it was more my mother’s attitude toward my father that did. When she found Buddhist literature while snooping around at my Dad’s house one day, she urged my sister and I to, “have a talk with him about the true God.” Little did she know (or care) that I didn’t believe in the “true God.”
The fact that my Mom was perpetually trying to change my Dad (and everyone else) was what bothered me. But her parents are like that too. I’m thankful that my one (semi-sane) parent allowed me to break away from a vicious, intense cycle of evangelism and “rebirth.”
There was definitely a redeeming aspect to this, and I agree with the previous commenter saying that it probably made your son happy. At the very least, it allowed him to think for himself- if the parents have the same EXACT belief system, often their children will end up mimicking and regurgitating it- for better or for worse.
Oh what a loaded question, Sister! Yes they were mismatched; my dad was rigid, controlling and a misanthrope, my mother – a people person, who suppressed a big part of her personality to “keep the peace”; my step-brothers and I were supposed to do the same. It did not work out very well and I frequently wished that they would divorce – especially after my dad hit a middle-age crisis and had an affair; we knew, our mother eventually figured it out. She wanted the divorce, he said “out of question”, they stayed together. My dad redeemed himself when my mother was dying of cancer; he became the most loving, caring, tender husband anyone can wish for. I mended my relationship with him quite late in life. I don’t ask the question “why couldn’t he be like this earlier” anymore. One thing I’m grateful for – they never inflicted religion on us. I believe they both tried their best, unfortunately my father had no idea what to do with children, besides having very unrealistic expectations. Oh well.
Denise – Congratulations! There is a lot of hard -won wisdom for you here in thee comments. Reading them, I was naturally reminded of this poem:
Philip Larkin – This Be The Verse
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
But the last line is just self-pity. Your job is to do better, to love your kids unconditionally and let them know the joy you take in their existence! Although it might not be enough.
Thank you everyone for these stories. Look how resilient you are! That’s what I’m focusing on. And the weight of my guilt feels a bit lighter. xoxo
Firstly may I thank you for your sharp wit and mind.
and add that 20 / 20 hindsight is a curse so do not beat yourself up, as at the time we make our decisions we do so with all the wisdom at our disposal, tis later when we learn more….
My parents married on a lie, he lied to her that he was not Jewish, as a Catholic my mum would never have married him. The lie was like a poison that slowly killed any love between them. As the youngest I do not remember my parents expressing love for each other, all I remember is the fighting. The only time I cry regarding him is when I see someone expressing how loving their father was, mine was cold and violent. After his passing my mother’s reaction to certain things made me realise that he was not only physically abusive but to her, mentally and emotionally abusive too (she protected us best she could). Though she never left him I regret not realising the trap he put her in and not helping her get away….. 🙁
Hee hee Sister Wolf, it just so happen that I don’t have children; to tell the truth, can’t blame it too much on my parents. Even in the kindergarten I was much more interested in playing with stuffed animals than with dolls, not to mention three year olds with the snoot down to their waist – we older kids were supposed to help to dress them before going on an obligatory every day walk. Some girls thrived on it, I despised it, so now I’m a crazy animal lady. However, immigrating twice to two different continents probably has something to do with a desire to be away from my dad – may he rest in peace…
I grew up with my Mom constantly ripping into my Dad and his “worthless peasant” family (and yes, this turned to me too, as I am 50% worthless peasant and have “bad hair like an ethic person” – that IS a direct quote).
So….. a while back I trot out Larkin’s gem on family and Mom starts weeping – oh no, that’s all wrong, family is the most wonderful thing in the world and full of love and it’s all so beautiful….
So I’m wondering when the aliens dropped off this replacement (Mom.2?) and why they could not have dropped her off when I was 8, or 13, or something……
The mis-match isn’t the problem, it’s hatred or contempt within it that f-s you up.
Hey SW,
I think the fact that you are looking back on your co-parenting says a lot about you as a mother. I don’t know if conflict is good or bad – I think it’s how you and your partner worked at resolving said conflict that can be of importance. That said, I really think that although structure is important for kids – so is unconditional love from their parents.
I say this because my parents were perfectly matched – my mother is a waif with borderline personality disorder and my father has classic narcissist personality disorder. Together, their ability to provide a toxic environment was staggering and completely devastating to our family.
All of that to say – my parents did not make me the adult that I have become. I am self-defined, I am who I want to be. In fact – I would argue that my best friends parents (who were the complete opposite of my parents) did exactly what you talked about. They offered me another way to live, another way to love. It’s because of them that I realized I could be self-defined.
I decided to marry my first husband when I was 17, and didn’t waver from that ’til I finally got married at 21. He left me when our sons were 6 and 8. When we had the ‘family conversation’ to tell them, I cried through the whole thing and was not able to say a word. After he left, and I realized how miserable I had been.
I don’t think my eldest son (now 26) ever got over it. I did my best to never bad-mouth my ex. Still, at this point, my son hasn’t spoken to his father for almost a year.
My eldest also had a falling out with my husband (his step-father for the last 15 years) in November 2007, and they don’t speak or see each other at all.
My father never liked either of my husbands, and when my current husband is out of earshot he never fails to let me know. My mother worries about my brother constantly, and she wishes my older half-sister (given up for adoption decades ago) hadn’t found her. So I guess I have mismatched family members all the way ’round.
Yes, I grew up with mismatched parents. My mom told my dad she was pregnant, so he married her. She wasn’t pregnant. It was downhill from there, including a kidnapping of my younger brother that was on page one of the Cambridge Evening News, with a photo of moi above the fold. So, I don’t look at my parents as parents per se. I see them as struggling individuals.
Both my husbands have accused me of being a terrible mother. And my current husband alternates between saying that I’m just like my mom or just like my dad. Strangely, this makes me feel like I’m on the right track.
Okay, not strangely. Delete the strangely.
Wish I had time for a response, and to read these amazing stories, but will respond to what most are leaving untouched: This is IN NO WAY your fault. You know that intellectually. You did the best you could, so did his dad, and so did he. Love and best wishes
Not me, but my husband for sure had the mismatched parents. And they also started out with like interests (the poet and the painter), but it went bad. He now can’t stand confrontation and makes me think twice before I lose my shit. But he learned coping skills and compassion and how to treat those he loved from the bad example that was his parent’s marriage.
But wait! There’s more. Step-daughter #1 married a sociopath, now a convicted pedophile. Dorian McDowell. You can look him up on the CA sex offenders website.
Step-daughter #2 had a Baby Daddy gang member who sent two innocent guys to prison (that 3 strikes shit needs to go). I testified against him in court, because the right thing was for his aunt and her partner to adopt their daughter. After lots of strife and dough, they did.
And as for my youngest son, he just graduated from UC Berkeley with a BA in Philosophy. He had an interview with the TV show “Mythbusters” but lost out to someone who had a relative working on the show.
Dear Sister Wolf,
I am relatively new fan of yours, and first time poster. I wanted to say how sorry I was to hear about your loss. I lit a candle when you asked, here in Australia, and I’m just so sorry. You are clearly a loving and protective mother, and a credit to your children. Anyone who suggests otherwise, it a total cunt. Love Rosie.