Academy Award Exegesis 2013

This year, I can honestly say that I got what I wanted.  My choice for best picture, best actor and best actress came through, somebody fell, Adele was a goddess, and David O. Russell didn’t get to gloat over his importance.

Let’s review the fashions. Halle Berry wore a hideous striped dress from Ross 4 Less and her hair was dreadful. In the bad hair category, she was outdone by Jen Aniston, whose short broken ends stood up in the light, guaranteeing the death of Chris McMillan. Jane Fonda looked hideous in a yellow gown from “Dallas“, and Shirley Bassey, at 100 years old, was majestic in gold sequins as she belted out the theme to “Goldfinger“. I tried to remember an old scandal about her involving one of the British Royals but failed to retrieve it.

Seth MacFarlane was alternately funny and crass, but who could resist his crack about Kardashian facial hair?

Barbara Streisand looked like an old wizard from Harry Potter, Anne Hathaway overdid her boy-in-a-dress schtick, and Jessica Chastain, as always, was a flawless porcelain doll. Several older men had long silky white hair, outclassing the clean-cut youngsters.

Reese Witherspoon wore an ugly blue thing and grew her chin since last year. Renee Zellweger reappeared out of retirement with the exact same grimace we know and love her for.

Christopher Waltz was a charming Oscar winner, generously quoting Quentin Tarantino, who exuded coke from every pore as he manically thanked the Academy.

Daniel Day Lewis was a witty dreamboat, revealing that he was originally signed to portray Margaret Thatcher. Ben Affleck was emotionally affecting as he alluded to some grudge he had given up but clearly hadn’t, and I still managed to watch “Shameless” even though I missed the first 8 minutes.

What did I forget?

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13 Responses to Academy Award Exegesis 2013

  1. Cricket9 says:

    Sock puppets. The Flight sock puppets were the best, and the homage to 50 years of Bond movies, which happened to be a random montage, was disappointing. I’d rather see it done with, well, sock puppets.
    Kristin Steward was even more boot-faced than usual, and since when dirty grey is the best choice for a dress?

  2. Iron Chic says:

    THANKS! I dared to watch Les Miz the other night because Jay was out and I needed to watch something with a sense of guilt. I made it 10 minutes in, not believing how terrible the singing and acting was. A 9.8 on the Cringe Factor Scale, even worse than Chicago!

  3. Sister Wolf says:

    Iron Chic – Just the performance of Les Miz on the show was enough to traumatize me…unbelievably awful! What’s wrong with everybody??????????

  4. Sister Wolf says:

    Cricket9 – Have you seen the pix of her on crutches, before and after the show?

  5. Bevitron says:

    Meryl Streep pulling her undies out of the crack of her ass (or just scratching it) was pretty good. Shirley Bassey could’ve used a little autotune during her Goldfinger belt, but I’m glad she didn’t – gave it an exciting Will She or Won’t She/Ride of Death feel that the whole night could’ve used more of, I think.

    You nailed everything, Sister Wolf. I knew your exegesis would be brilliant!

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Bevitron – Hahahahahah, I missed the Meryl Streep moment! But it ties in with the time I saw her in a department store, where she let her little daughter help choose her (Meryl’s) underpants.

  7. I can never work out if Anne Hathaway is absolutely beautiful or quite the opposite. She’s like one of those drawings that you think is a picture of one thing, then when you look at it a different way you see something else.
    Kristin Stewart. I’m not overly sure who she is. I know she’s been in a vampire flick but I don’t understand why she was there? She is the most scowly, unpleasant little up-start, and I could go down to the local high school and find five girls far more attractive than her. Is she blackmailing someone?
    And as for everyone else, I didn’t know half of those fairweather stars. They all look remotely the same to me.

  8. Dru says:

    I thought Jessica Chastain looked amazing, very Jessica Rabbit with that hair (and a dress which fit her properly). Jennifer Lawrence had a good dress for once in her life and managed to even fall down prettily, like a princess doing a curtsy instead of someone halfway to a pratfall, plus her speech made me giggle and she looked HOT in her afterparty dress (I hope to god she doesn’t go and lose weight now). And I don’t blame little Quevenzhane Wallis getting pissy with those dick red carpet interviewers for refusing to even attempt her name and calling her ‘Annie’ instead, you know they’d never pull shit like this if she was French.

    Also Anne Hathaway’s growing-out pixie managed to look like it belonged on a cute kpop boy instead of some tragic 90s boyband, but the less said about her dress, the better.

    Finally, Seth whatsisname is a boring, unfunny cunt. The boobs song might have been funny if four of the scenes referred to weren’t rape scenes.

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    Dru – All excellent points, thank you!

  10. Sister Wolf says:

    Madam Restora – Hahahahahaha, I can’t wait to call someone an unpleasant little up-start!

  11. Cricket9 says:

    No, I did not see her crutches – I still agree with Madam Restora.
    Jessica Chastain indeed looked beautiful, but Jennifer Lawrence’s dress looked, I quote “The Guardian” – “pleasantly like my grandma’s lampshade.”
    And Meryl’s moment was priceless; in my book, she can scratch her ass on camera all she wants.

  12. Andra says:

    I am such a pleb I never, ever watch any of this crap. I have absolutely no idea what it is all about and I simply don’t care.
    I saw Les Miz. on stage about 20 years ago and thought it was shit then. Nothing I have learned in the meantime has changed my mind in any way.
    It’s dreary, boring, dull stuff with hideous music.
    Who cares about these stupid people?
    Not this sheila!
    I think I was watching Stephen Fry and QI. Now there’s some fun for you!

  13. Cricket9 says:

    OK, throw your stones at me if you want: I love Les Miz! I mean, the musical, I did not see the movie and I’m not sure if I should.

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