Oh god, Will and Jada Smith, just go away. Boo hoo about Jada’s hair loss! Let her deal with osteoporosis, which I am blessed with, and my husband doesn’t need to slap anyone. Let her and her whole crazy family shut up about their personal dramas! Who gives a shit? Best performance of Toxic Masculinity by a big baby. Thank you, next.
Okay, back to business.
Aren’t you relived that Nicole Kidman didn’t win?? Her dress with that donut-peplum thing was awful, and she needs to start eating. Jessica Chastain seemed like a nice person, didn’t she? Her dress looked like a Disney cartoon princess, which was kind of poignant, but really the best thing about her is that her adorable nose is the result of plastic surgery.Yay! I saw the original nose somewhere on Instagram.
Megan Thee Stallion was a “nice” surprise, just like, or rather not anything like, Liza Minnelli. All the red dresses cancelled each other out, didn’t they? The only good one was the trouser outfit worn by the joyfully queer Ariana DeBose. Black dresses were in short supply for some reason, but Billie Eilish‘s dress was a monstrosity by any standards. Good for her! She likes to get a reaction and I hope she’s satisfied with EW! and WHY??
Maggie Gyllenhaal wore a black Schiaparelli that looked like a chest of drawers, the better to shield Jake from questions about Taylor’s scarf.
Kristen Stewart was super hot in her shorts and unbuttoned shirt, let’s admit it. Her bad-girl thing is still going strong and I want it to never stop. Likewise, boy-toy Timothee Chalamet was fetching in his Luis Vuitton women’s jacket and bare chest. What a darling little person he is. I also loved Wesley Snipes in a nutty, Pimptastic satin shorts suit with matching leggings.
Best outfit for my money was a floral suit worn by Encanto director Byron Howard. It was so wonderful! Where is the fuss about it??? Who made it? Can I borrow it? I’m still looking for pictures and info. Second best was an amazing dress printed with Renaissance angels, worn by Eva von Bahr, along with a Greek bust handbag.
WAIT, I almost forgot to mention Beyonce! Her musical number was a baffling Busby Berkley type extravaganza with a million women all wearing yellow-green dresses that did not distract from the song’s essential nothingness. I kept wondering how many starving people could have been fed with the money that went into this enterprise. Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey, and I’ve already heard from several irate nutcases on this subject.
In fact, I’d like to see Beyonce slap Jada, or vice versa, in keeping with the new Twitter game of imagining offbeat slapping scenarios.
Who would you like to see slapped, and by whom? Weigh in! And what did I leave out?
Academy Awards crap later..first the important stuff – YOU!
Count me among those who were ready to run screaming into the night’s Plutonian shore for fear of losing you to the evil hackery-fuckery. When I saw the Oscars exegesis post I cried hot salty tears of joy, no shit. You’re that important to all of us, and I feel like I want to speak for the whole damn all of us, whoever we are, whether I should or not.
All I can say is – whew! xoxo
Bevitron – This is how I would feel if I lost YOU! Luckily, I have two tech wizards working to fix everything, thank god they have restored all 42,000 comments, which mean the world to me. Thank you for worrying about me! I’m not ready to give up, because I’m still mad. SO mad. xoxo
Knowing this was coming is what got me through the last few days with a catheter in my wiener. THANK YOU!
Can somebody, anybody, please slap Ted Cruz?
“Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey…”
A low blow – even for you
Mark – You poor baby!!!!
Em – If only!
WG – See? Even to remark that I’ve been called a racist for not liking Bey is apparently racist! Two women of color sent me hateful rants in response to my disappreciation of Beyonce. This is now what I expect, so keep it coming!
Are you kidding or what? (Actually, part of me thinks you’re just trolling, but I’ll continue – humor me.)
Yes, I’m a Black woman and no, I don’t think you are racist for not liking Beyonce, or that you are racist for pointing out that you’ve been called as such for not liking her. Stop it.
You wrote: “Come @ me, Black women, I know it’s a racist sin to not appreciate Bey…”
It’s low because you lump us together whilst putting words in our mouths (so to speak).
All because a massive total of *two* Black women sent you hateful rants… you could’ve just @ those two by name.
Guess what? I’m personally not a fan of Beyonce and I know there are Black people out there who actually can’t stand her – for the exact same reasons you can’t.
What a shocker!
Hateful rant over…add it to the pile.
WG – Sorry for misunderstanding your comment, and indeed for lumping Black women together like one big monolith. You’re right. I am prone to a lot of generalizations; you should hear me go on about White Christian women or even about Men. I apologize and I love that you can’t stand Beyonce. I will try to do better.
Thank you, sorry if I came across as sanctimonious. I know do the same thing sometimes (generalizing) – I guess we all do…
If you’d criticized men or White Christian women I’d have no problem with that and would probably nod in agreement, to be honest!
I guess when it’s a demographic you’re a part of, it hits differently…
Hypocritical, I know.
Actually, I’ve never really thought about that in any great depth so thank you again, Sister
WG – This is a win-win! Neither of us has to be an asshole! Yay, us! xo
I’m glad you can both say how you feel about Beyonce. I don’t dislike her but I think she’s “overrated” to the point that I have been afraid to say out loud that her singing is just blah to me. She’s a beautiful woman, no doubt about that, but I have not understood why she’s supposed to be so great. Thank you both for
I’d like to slap Kristen Stewart for wearing something too casual and ordinary to the Academy Awards. Our social standards, worldwide, are slipping at a rate as is. I think we need to nip any slightest thing that accelerates this in the bud.
Let me just say, in my opinion, fashion, architecture, literature, cars and manners are not improving with time.