I’m going to do my best here, but my sleep apnea has destroyed most of my brain, so please lower your expectations.
Before I go on, does anyone believe these two are a real couple? Show your work.
The Oscars this year went smoothly for a 150 hours with no surprises or mishaps to liven things up. So really, it was just about the clothes, and what clothes they were! The men did better than the women, in terms of not embarrassing themselves or fucking up their faces.
I will gladly have sex with several of the men, starting with Jacob Elordi, a tall drink of water, ahem, if ever there was one. Also this blonde guy, Gabriel Leone, for obvious reasons.
And why not this guy, whoever he is?
Sticking with men, Best dressed by far was Shaboozey. His style is way ahead of the pack; like Bad Bunny and ASAP Rocky, he likes to make a Statement. He’s wearing Campillo, a brand I love based in Mexico City. I am all in.
The best dressed woman, no contest, was Autumn Durald Arkapaw, who won best cinematographer. I prayed I could find out who designed her outfit, only to be heartbroken. Thom Browne, why are you so fucking expensive?? Can someone who isn’t Shein please copy this?! What a wonderful woman and wonderful look.
I also loved Mikey Madison, whose dress was simple and perfect. A goddess.
Let’s talk about the eyesores, okay? Some of these looks were worn at the after-parties but still count as Oscar outfits, right?
Gwyneth “Please hate me” Paltrow understood the assignment, if the assignment was to shock us with her bad taste. Ew, Gwyneth, just stop.
How about Jeff Goldblum and his partner? Why look so grotesque? We get it, you like quirky fashion but this is a No. They should have been sent home to change.
Vera Wang chose once again to go as a skeleton, even though people will gush about how fantastic she looks at 70-something. She’s giving Auschwitz.
Finally, still thinking about Vera, I’d like to address the Demi Moore and Nicole Kidman problem. If you don’t think they’re a problem, I don’t know how to help you. These two need to accept being old, and find a way to cope without turning their faces into wax puppets and refusing to eat. Eat, you two! Your arms are like toothpicks and don’t match your implants! It’s upsetting to watch you try to smile. Here’s Demi, dressed like a cross between a dead pigeon and a pineapple.
That’s it, I think. Except for Sinners being treated like Citizen Kane, and Rose Byrne not winning for best actress in If I Had Legs I’d Kick You, a journey into the dark heart of motherhood that almost captures its all-consuming responsibility, dread, and guilt. Rose, you were robbed. That said, don’t see this if you’re still deciding whether or not to have kids; it leaves out the good parts.
*Bonus points if you know who this is and why.
