In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
It feels grandiose to use the words of Martin Luther King on the subject of blogging, but I can’t think of anything more appropriate to describe my recent experience with hate mail.
Remember when I was suddenly bombarded with comments from angry lunatics? I think it went on for three days. I recall sitting at my computer late at night when I literally couldn’t keep up with the volume of nasty personal attacks. I typed as fast as I could but the unmoderated comments appeared every few seconds. The tone became more and more psychotic. It was an epic feeding frenzy that I allowed to happen because I felt to strongly about free speech.
I’ve thought a lot about mob behavior. What is it about violence (in this case, verbal abuse) that is so contagious? Why do people observe abuse and then feel empowered to join in, rather than denounce it? I’ve read that if you’re being raped. you’re more likely to get help if only one other man is at the scene. If it’s a group of men, they are more likely to join in.
The hate mail stopped just as suddenly as it started. One determined troll keeps reminding me how awful I am, but everyone else has slunk back into the woodwork or where ever they came from. I guess it’s only fun for them to attack if they feel protected by a crowd.
It’s so discouraging to see human nature at its very worst. It’s also disappointing that only one blogger was willing to speak out about this abuse – Kate of Make Do Style was outraged and said so. She is one in a million. No one else had the courage or empathy to take on the situation, or maybe no one else cared. But it could happen to anybody. If I saw it happen on another blog, you can bet that I’d condemn it here, as forcefully as I could.
Free expression is genuinely important to me! I’m not sure what crosses the line from free speech to hate speech but I know a gang rape when I see one. I’m going to stop moderating comments and I’m hoping we can all have fun being bitches, without degenerating into a massive clusterfuck.
xo
Very brave of you. There was some horrible stuff being said and I can’t imagine the stuff you wouldn’t allow through.
This must have happened before I found you and now I’ll need to rootle back and find the offending post. How awful for you!
Some people find it easier to be aggressive on the internet than in person and so you may have been a catalyst for a lot of things that were stewing away inside them ANYWAY.
Not that that’s much solace to you…..
(((hug)))
Ali xxxxx
Writing this is going to be tricky and I suspect that however carefully I compose it I risk upsetting a woman I admire – from a distance – but friendship, even of the ‘e-kind’, is best served by honesty.
I did not read more than about 5% of the abusive e-mails (too, too tedious) you received and I don’t think I ever quite knew what you had written to spark it off, however, my general re-action was that ‘Sis’ dishes it out, now she is getting some of it back. I remember that amongst the first things I read over here were your vicious – and I choose that word with care – attacks on Palin and by inference her family, too. Of course, as a hopeless old re-actionary, I defended her but at teh same time I believe that anyone who stands on a soap-box and importunes me for my vote deserves all the rotten veg you can throw at them – the late Auberon Waugh suggested that if the candidate is a man you should always shout “Show us your willy!” on every occasion. Also, I found your abuse, vitriolic though it was, very funny even if I believed then, and still do, that the family should be out of bounds.
As I say, I can’t remember – if I ever knew – what you said that upset your enemies in the fashion world but with your witty, caustic writing style it was only ever going to be a matter of time before you, in turn, received some in-coming. It was also a given that when it came, it was going to exceed by a wide margin anything you had dished out and would lack the underlying humour that laces your prose – and so it was.
My advice (my hope) is – don’t change a thing, but also, don’t complain. Take to heart the words of the dear old ‘Duke of Boot’ when he was prime minister and was challenged by a hack with a story concerning one of his many affairs, “Publish and be damned!”
From your *friend*, David.
It wasn’t bravery to support you, it was human decency. Its what happens when Fashion Jew and Fashion Catholic meet on the blogosphere. Even though JFK slightly misquoted Dante to get a point across – it is a good reference to think upon – “The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who in times of great moral crisis maintain their neutrality.”
I’m glad to hear that the trolls have mostly slunk off. Have to agree with ReadHead – you’re very brave. I can’t imagine the kind of shit you had to trawl through while you were moderating.
It was horrible, and I’m so sorry you felt more people should have been more supportive. For myself, I thought it was enough to show my support in your own ‘space’, and didn’t even consider writing about those few vile fuckwits. The way they behaved, and what they sad, was truly foul.
And you are right, Kate is one in a million – as you are yourself Sister Wolf.
x
SW, what happened to you was beyond revolting, I was in tears reading those comments. I do not want you to think though that my silence meant that I did not care. I have always held the view that engaging the trolls just encourages them because thats what validates them. I’m so sorry that you felt alone during that time.
I love you, I support you and I am proud to call you my friend.
they treated you awfully, i’m sorry if my lack of supportive comments also hurt you.
i honestly thought writing back on here would prolong their attacks. it didn’t occur to me to write about it on my blog; i don’t put many words there.
thanks for showing me that i made the wrong choice and should have made my feelings about those insesible, unfeeling, viscious and cowardly imbeciles clearer. i thought it was best not to feed the trolls but i guess that meant you missed out too. you make the internet a better place, as a reader i am thankful for your blog, and as a person i care.
I regret that you felt a lack of support. I was following it all, and thinking carefully about what could be done, but it just seemed like such a feeding frenzy that I was imagining anything I could say would only make it worse. I also remember many supportive posts, but maybe they were all from MakeDoStyle.
I also thought that some of it seemed to be misguided, but well-intentioned; people concerned that your focus was on anger and bitterness and rage when THEY thought they knew what you should be feeling instead. I try to stay out of those conversations, although I guess I could have chimed in with “everybody needs to deal with things the way they need to deal with things, and unless they’ve come to you for advice all you should do is offer support.” Unfortunately, a lot of people (my mother included) can’t seem to wait to be asked to offer advice, and instead want to save the world in their own particular way, one person at a time.
The ultimate pain we all suffer is that there are very few people in the world, if any, who look at, feel, experience, things the same way as we ourselves do. That’s what we’re all looking for; very few of us find it. Adam Gopnik summed it up really well once, in a review of the poet W. H. Auden :
“Being everywhere at once while going nowhere in particular is what poets do, and Auden did it. Where journalists write about what people are arguing about in public, and novelists about what they are talking about in private, only poets seem able to show that what people argue about in public is identical to what they talk about in private, that what we are arguing about is the sum of our own guilts, fears, anxieties, hopes. And only a handful of poets show that what people are talking about in public and what they are talking about in private is always a variant of what they say to themselves when they are alone, and that, Auden knew, is simply ‘I wish I were not.’”
Meanwhile, good for you for upholding the tenets of free speech. I haven’t gotten many comments on my blog yet, and nothing negative, and while I agree with you in theory, I’m not sure I would handle it as diplomatically in reality. I admire your courage, especially in how it manifests itself in your openness to the world. I hope you can hang on to that through the next months and years as you continue to blog, and live your still-meaningful life, and mourn the loss of your son.
Lady, you are human nature at its worst. You say the most horrible things about people, and then have the audacity to act surprised when it come back to you. If you were as strong as you pretend to be, that would be one thing, but you are the real coward.
Sincerely,
mutterhals
Hi Sister Wolf,
I confess I am not a regular reader, and so I missed the barrage of troll hate mail.
I feel so bad that people do this to you. No one deserves the kind of hate mail that the world of blogging allows.
No matter how crazy and pitiful you know the trolls to be, it still is upsetting to have that crap on your radar.
Mob mentality seems to be very near the surface in human beings. The internet just aggravates it.
Do something nice for yourself to cleanse it away.
You are much loved and appreciated.
xo xo
And I mean Anon hate mail. These mean fucks are always anon.
You can trace anon mail back to ITs and stuff, and if you really feel endangered do contact the FBI.
I don’t think these anon cowards would ever come out of the slime to hurt someone, but I do think about the one in a zillion chance of getting my head blown off by some crazy troll blog reader who sees me sitting in the shop window everyday.
xo xo
I felt terrible for what was being said to you but openly fighting with the trolls fuels their behavior. Negative attention is the reward they seek. I first started working professionally online in 1995 and I saw it then and I see it now. When you stop feeding them, they go away to get the attention elsewhere. I could publish my occasional troll comments just to see 20 loyal commenters get upset and yell at them, but that would encourage more trolls. Instead, I delete the comments and ban the IP addresses.
It was incredibly outrageous what those psychotic people were saying, and I guess I didn’t say anything about it because unfortunately, it’s old hat for me. That kind of behavior seems normal in my life thanks to good ol’ mom. So it didn’t even occur to me to do any condemning. I’ve learned from experience that it’s usually pointless to say anything to crazy people. They will never change. Sorry Sister, hopefully next time I can rise to the occasion and be some better back up.
Sister Wolf,
It seems some people lack a sense of humor, since I find your blog hilarious, sincere and honest. You’re pointing out obvious things some are too afraid to admit. And yes I find SOS quite annoying when I first stumbled upon her blog many months ago. I kept my comments to myself and snickered at a few of her photos with my sister (my hatin’ partner in crime). If only I had your talent at writing, then I probably would start blogging just to poke fun at ridiculous things. Please don’t stop writing what’s on your mind. Haters gonna hate….
I think people probably didn’t say anything on their own blogs because they didn’t want the attacks to spread…especially because so many fashion bloggers are fans of Sea. That’s not a good excuse at all but it’s easy to see why people would be reluctant to set themselves up for an attack like that. I actually don’t know if it might have made it worse if people had called it out anyway, by kind of validating the people who were writing the horrible comments, in their own minds at least.
I agree with Wendy. I feel like F-em and ignore-em and they go away.
Crazy people live for attention.
Every blogger is subjected to attacks now and then. The ones you were subjected to were particularly vicious/vile/despicable, but the difference was in degree, not in kind. Forget about waging war on the trolls and wanting to enlist an infantry to help you. The only way is to grow a thicker skin.
annemarie – Not only degree but sheer volume. a concerted attack, coming in the hundreds. You can grow a thicker skin. I will continue to be horrified by mob bullying of any kind.
David – “t was also a given that when it came, it was going to exceed by a wide margin anything you had dished out and would lack the underlying humour that laces your prose — and so it was.” And did you know it would come in one big wave, buy people emboldened by a death they felt would make me vulnerable?
I wish you’d have told me!!!!!! (xo)
“That which does not kill us makes us stronger.”
Nietzsche said that.
Me too!
I don’t have to grow a thicker skin– I don’t have a blog.
Also, volume=degree.
BUT, I forgot to say in my previous comment, I think Make Do is a total fucking Samarai. Her tirelessness as an Avenger was amazing! Kate– you rule!
I’m sorry that you were attacked so horribly. I’m sorry that you felt a lack of support. I can only speak for myself in this situation: I thought that commenting on your blog was the best way to show my solidarity with you and my disgust/outrage with the hate that was spewed at you. I didn’t publish anything on my “blog” if I can even call it that, because what I write is not really for public consumption but a source of amusement for me (why I don’t link to it here). Please know that we were defending you and were incensed by what was happening.
No explanations. No apologies. I’m a coward. Also too, I’m completely indifferent with the family of shoes.
Dear Mr. or Ms. Thundercunt, Cervix, Mutterhals, Whatever your name is, and Dear David Duff,
I remember SW saying that Sea of Shoes had a fat face. I remember her calling Sarah Palin a cunt (on many occasions). She has called many other people cunts. All of this pales in comparison to the attacks she received, many of which used her son’s death as ammunition.
SW is right. Even from my point of view, it seemed like a feeding frenzy, the worst kind of mob mentality. I imagined people of all shapes and sizes (though, mostly, I admit, I imagined fat women) delighting in their viciousness, all from the safety of their crumby little lives.
So, SW, thank you for no longer moderating comments. And please bring back Cunt of the Week. I nominate Reverend Terry Jones. Or, is he too obvious a choice?
Marky
HelOnWheels – Of course! i was only speaking about bloggers who didn’t want to get “involved”…In my stupid idealistic view, we should stang together against CAMPAIGNS of hatred, and I’m not talking about a few trolls.
annemaire – So, does degree = quantity? Which is what I meant by volume. And, actually, yes, you do need a thicker skin, to help you from being so reactive.
Interesting reading these comments. I love that people genuinely felt that supporting you on your blog in the comment box was a stand and I understand that. Cybil said it so well.
Normally I love a gun ho tat with Mr Duff and I also understand what he is saying but the dishing out by SW on Sarah Palin is an entirely different matter. Palin has been rather obtuse/defensive/secretive at times and been open to investigation/discourse/mickey taking by many. SW wrote nothing more or less than anyone else and it was discourse. Also she wasn’t personally bombarding Palin with vile messages. I agree what you dish out comes back but in SW’s case she never dished out vile abuse and certainly not to someone who had suffered the loss of a child. I stake my life on the fact she would be the first to send condolences to anyone whether she thought little of what they stood for. Sorry SW am I talking about you in the 3rd person!
As for this view of ignoring troll and developing a thicker skin – okay under any circumstances this is not good advice unless the person suffering has indicated they are happy to do this. SW was not happy to take it. And blow me down who amongst us were not aware of the devastating impact and dreadful circumstances of the death of her beloved son Max. I wouldn’t wish that on any one at all whatsoever!
I feel I will always as a mother, sister, daughter and wife stand up for those who suffer at the hands of others. And by that I don’t mean some mickey taking blog post about others. I’ve had loads of rude/bonkers remarks and I shrug them off and laugh. I really don’t care but then I don’t care about status/money or things that have nothing to do with kindness, compassion and being unselfish. If I sound like a sanctimonious c**t then so be it but I’m not.
Go SW and never compromise nor develop a thick skin and we in turn mustn’t think that by standing up to trolls we are feeding them. When we stand up against the mob we are maintaining hope and attempting to put ourselves in another persons shoes.
After all we tolerated mutterhals for ages and still will…but the barrage was a different matter.
Make Do – Thank you again, I see that I can’t seem to communicate what I was trying to communicate.
“Kate of Make Do Style was outraged and said so. She is one in a million.”
Indeed she is. As are you.
QM
xx
I’m not totally sure what this is about but people do tend to be fucking nuts. Surely there must be better uses for their time, the SPCA always needs volunteers.
Brunehilda – Spoken like a true oracle. Very wise indeed. xo
I was outraged and wrote about my disdain for the atrocious idiots who would attack a grieving mother. If I I was not heard, I am here again stating that I think they are senseless, thoughtless individuals who cannot step out of their cyber universes to perceive another person’s very real pain.
And as for you Duff, do you really think that “attacks” on Sarah Palin are equal to those of a mother who has lost a child? Really?
I think wanting to uphold the ideals of free speech is very noble and makes for a better blog. However, you have the right as a human being to not have your blog, your property, become a billboard for every fucktard and assclown who wants to find an outlet for their crappy day. Your blog is not a public restroom and you are well within your rights to edit comments and say as Madonna did “I’m not your bitch, don’t lay your shit on me.” Cyberbulling and hate campaigns are not free speech, they are crimes and you have a right to edit abusive comments and not be harassed. I think you should do it and feel fucking great about it. I would give a hearty middle finger salute and a hoot everytime I deleted some dumb fuckers comments, and you know why, your blog, and your life is not someone elses toilet. Fuck em.
I’m really sorry to read that that happened.
Sister Wolf, my friend, David does make some valid points but fails to extend his observations far enough. It has been my experience, and this is not limited to blogdom, that those who have the darkness abiding in them, are very very good at determining when precisely to pounce.
It’s almost as if there’s a sixth sense at work discerning vulnerability. The attacks, when they arrive, resemble “pack behavior” and are (as you know too well, brutal). We who do not blog, but your friends nonetheless, could only have limited effect in muting those attacks directly but knew you would eventually come through it the wiser. And, in the best of outcomes, stronger.
I would (should) perhaps offer an advisory – this post has the potential of triggering a replay. But usually, a Part II is of fairly short duration although there is the potential for more extemeism. Keep a little space near your heart open so that your “heart’s ear” may know we’re here. You are not, will not be abandoned.
I promise.
My policy has become to say nothing to trolls. To continue on as if they do not exist, because they feed on attention. That’s my reasoning.
Oi! Growing a “thick skin” doesn’t mean that you become desensitized. Compassion is the best armor. Remind yourself that the people who left those terrible comments must live in a state of unfathomable misery and hatred and stupidity. They are vultures and don’t deserve a second’s worth of your heartache.
What a victim u are.
Gretchen – What a dumb bitch you are to jump back in the minute I stop moderating comments! Are you that lonely?! Have some dignity and go away. SW
I’m sorry that you didn’t feel I supported you 🙁 I will try to do better next time. But more so I’m sorry that anyone thought it was decent and within their right to bring Max into it. If they can’t see how wrong they were, they simply aren’t human.
(With a little luck there won’t be a “next time”. I think once was quite enough).
Gretchen. Show us your ass.
Oops. I shoulda had my bi-focals on.
Aja – Well, I wasn’t thinking of you but here is my fantasy: Bloggers who comment on each other’s blogs or who know/respect each other’s blogs, will stand united against certain things. Bullying campaigns would be one of those things. Real life emergency would be another. like when someone loses their husband, wife, child, or is hospitalized. We would all defend free speech, and encourage it.
You are always lovely and supportive, Aja. I like to think of you with that vase on your head. xoxo
Tomorrow I shall sport that vase on my head in your honor. xo.
Normally (because I really like my anonymity – and this sort of thing might give too many clues) I wouldn’t do this but it looks Sister Wolf like you might want to check your site meter and WHOIS some IPs. But you might just need to know the appropriate place to send ’em.
In order of appearance – FBI, FCC, Department of Justice:
http://www.ic3.gov/default.aspx
http://esupport.fcc.gov/complaints.htm
http://www.justice.gov/criminal/cybercrime/reporting.htm
Annemarie – love your Oi! You are right to say they must live in a miserable state and don’t deserve a moments thought. But I do think you can only really be that strong internally when all is well. And I don’t mean discounting the usually daily stresses/doubts but when you are not in the midst of grief.
Plus thank you for the mention but honestly it was the least I could do stuck thousands of miles away. Call it a virtual hug.
Sister, I know it’s trite to open with a quote, but this blog sometimes makes me think of the beginning of Kurt Vonnegut’s ‘Slapstick’, in which he explains his view of life as like a Laurel and Hardy film.
“There are all these tests of my limited agility and intelligence…The fundamental joke with Laurel and Hardy, it seems to me, was that they did their best with every test…There was often the situational poetry of marriage, which was yet another test – with comical possibilities, provided that everyone submitted to it in good faith.”
The internet is something that also has comical possibilities provided users submit to it “in good faith”, and I think Seaofshoes and her followers should have seen that this whole situation – beginning with your snipes at Sea – could have been lighthearted and hilarious for both parties if they’d only submitted in good faith to, for want of a better term, the “game” of blogging. Sea could have laughed it off. She could have made similarly funny digs at you on her own blog, then left it at that. That would not have been inappropriate, provided her digs were mocking, not hateful. She and her cyber army could have accepted that to post a whole stack of personal photos and details on a blog, then promote the blog as much as possible, is to openly invite criticism as well as praise, and that once you’ve done that you have no right to complain if some of the feedback is less than gushing. But they didn’t, and they took it way too far.
I also think some people are still having trouble getting the difference between Sister’s digs at Sea, which were a) on her own blog and b) hilarious and true (and to be honest, that kid probably needs to be taken down a notch) and the awful comments by Sea’s SeaofFollowers, which were a) on Sister’s blog, b) in alarming abundance and c) extremely personal, vicious and fucking disgusting.
Negativity doesn’t have to be awful. It can be funny, even if it’s directed at you. You really have to choose what angers and upset you, and someone laughing about you on their own blog in their own corner of the internet, in my opinion, really shouldn’t have angered or upset Sea and Co, and certainly, CERTAINLY, not to the point of encouraging each other to come over to Godammit and bombard you with really hurtful attacks.
I’m sorry you had to encounter such bored, miserable cowards, Sister.
I agree with Wendy, ignore the trolls and eventually they will tire and move along (although some trolls are more persistent than others, right Gretchen?). But maybe you are right, in the case of such a brutal, vile and personal attack as the one you were subjected to, simply showing support by leaving a comment on your blog isn’t enough. For not doing more I apologise, hopefully I will step up to the plate in the future (More hopefully again I hope I won’t need to!). For now, and for what it’s worth, know that you do have my support.
Aja – Hahahahahahaha!
JK -Yep JK, I like to track the IPs when people act nuts.
Make Do – What disturbs me is that maybe a certain kind of person smells blood, like a shark.
RLC – I really appreciate your thinking on this. I’ve wondered why no one has made fun of me in a teasing kind of way…not so much snarling about my shriveled anus but just calling me out for my foibles or my shtick. And you’re so right: “negativity” isn’t a crime! If you don’t get my sense of humor, why not just rant about it on your own blog? Or just fuck off?
Sonia Luna – An, thank you Sonia! I hope we all come together on serious bullying, on the internet and everywhere else.
Mutterhals why are you still here?You obviously have a major dislike for sw but it is apparent that you still read godammit regularly.Don’t you have some crappy t-shirts to print or something?
I thought it was great that you started moderating comments and kicked those pathetic nothings out of the room. If they start coming back I hope you’ll waste no time dong it again. I don’t think free speach is at issue. Their intentions were transparent and reprehensible. And they contaminated your space like black mold.