All New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen

I don’t plan to see either of these movies but I have thoughtfully reviewed them for you anyway!

Indiana Jones 4:

This is a very loud exercise in nostalgia that you might enjoy if you’re over 50 or a tween who thinks Shia LaBeouf is a hottie. Harrison Ford does his best to prove he’s still an action star, and his nose is still tragically crooked. All the clothes are masterfully weathered, like Harrison’s face.   Lots of huge noisy things come hurling at the camera as if in 3D. There are many close-calls but the heroes prevail, in order to justify a sequel. If you still love the theme song, you won’t be disappointed, as it is blasted at every opportunity. A tiresome adventure film that nonetheless is a thousand times more palatable then Sex in the City. Bring earplugs.

Sex in the City:

What can one say about this movie?   SJP’s narration is incessant and irritating, like the toe pain she experiences from her celebrated shoes. The plot is rudimentary and predictable. The four actresses struggle to look young and vibrant, with Kim Cattrall vamping it up more than ever. Every character says the word “clit” at least 5 times. SJP’s face is beginning to resemble Abe Lincoln, but she’ll be damned if she gets plastic surgery just for you! If you love aging Cougars and the streets of Manhattan make you feel homesick or the word “masturbate” makes you feel sophisticated, then this is your movie!

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5 Responses to All New Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Seen

  1. Tobi Lynne says:

    God, I’m not looking forward to Indiana Jones 4 hitting theaters … I already hear I look just like Karen Allen far too often. (I don’t see it). I have made written threats to start cursing people who tell me so. With the plague.

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have to go find myself a vial of plague.

  2. Sister Wolf says:

    You should print out little business cards that say “I am not Karen Allen. Prepare to Die.”

  3. enc says:

    I haven’t seen either one, but I’m sure I can live without both.

  4. Tobi Lynne says:

    If I am ever to have business cards, you can now bet your ass they will have “Prepare to Die.” somewhere on them.

  5. MaRK says:

    Thanks as always for your reviews!

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