Ask a Man


“How do I get my boyfriend to clean a little? I’m a realist and I know he’s never going to seriously clean something but he works half the hours I do and I’m sick of being a bitch around the house.”


“Do it very slowly and don’t confuse him.”

-Charles Mingus Cat Toilet Training Program

Never underestimate the power of pride of ownership. Every man has some thing, some totemic object of power that’s super super important to him and yet isn’t part of his anatomy. Unless a man is fully prepared to protect his Holy Grail with violent force his spirit, sensing its vulnerability, will curdle up to half its normal size and retract into his ab-domen (this may not be the proper way to pronounce “abdomen” but if you try it out for yourself I’m sure you’ll  agree  it’s better). I’m guessing your man has suffered a loss of his Holy Grail or is not fully prepared to defend it, so why should he care if those dirty dishes have been sitting in the bathroom since Labor Day?

Now if it’s the latter case, if he still has his Grail but is not fully prepared to defend it, just go out and buy him a firearm already. I personally never bed down without my 9mm Uzi Pistol (fully loaded, safety off, and home-tooled bayonet attached) but production of this bad boy was discontinued in 1993 so even if you can find one you’ll be ponying up a big bag of pretty pennies. You’ll probably need two ponies to heft all those pennies around, but one sturdy mule could handle the load so you should just use the mule. If you don’t have the pennies or the livestock, you can’t go wrong with the Colt M1911 or the Glock 22, both of which are the single most popular gun. Since you can’t purchase bayonets for handguns, I had to make one myself using the forge and anvil I keep in my kitchen where the oven used to be and would be happy to provide you with helpful tips in bayonet forging techniques.

So anyway, once he has the means to defend himself your man will realize that life is indeed worth living and that although vermin make for great target practice around the house they tend to attract the French. As we all know, the French are not only an inferior species but their very inferiority endows them with an animal sexuality and techniques that enchant and corrupt the fairer sex, so unless your man is the kind of subhuman dude who actually wants his woman to be ravished by some beret-wearing mime then he’ll start tidying up toot sweet.

If your man is that kind of subhuman or, just as bad, if he has been deprived of his Grail, then you’re better off getting a new man or living in separate apartments like Woody Allen and Mia Farrow did. That whole deal seems to have worked out well for them.

Question answered.

 © 2011 Anthony Robert Russo

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9 Responses to Ask a Man

  1. Andra says:

    Separate countries is even better.

  2. Cricket9 says:

    Ha ha Andra, I totally agree. One ex lives in Poland, another one in Venezuela; should I acquire a man in the near future, he could live across the river in a different province, in Gatineau or somewhere. But, but – should I ever want to restore his hypotetical ability to defend his Holy Grail, the best I could do here is give him a sling, or maybe a baseball bat. Just as well, I think.

  3. ellio100 says:

    shit I’m doing this all wrong. iIlive with my partner and he’s half french. sacre bleu and double merde 🙁

  4. Romeo says:


    In these post-apocalyptic times slings and baseball bats will suffice, especially if all you’re doing is fending off Canadians. I would suggest, however, that you consider something like a wrist-mounted crossbow, a scimitar, or an attack dog. Attack dogs work really well and may be the only suitable replacement for a lost Grail. But since we’re talking Canada here, any man you might encounter probably has a hockey stick which serves as both Grail and defense thereof.

    By the way, we Americans hear nothing about the Canadian economy. I suspect this is either because you don’t have an economy or because your economy is kicking ass. Which is it?

  5. Andra says:

    Cricket, a new husband would work, maybe, if he made an appointment to visit, at your convenience, of course.
    In fact, let’s make this a standard conditon of all marital-type contracts.

  6. Andra says:

    Cricket: you haven’t been reading about steganography, by any chance, have you?

  7. Kimberley says:

    Romeo- our dollar is worth more than yours.
    So there.

  8. Romeo says:

    That’s what I thought. You guys have it so much better than we do (aside from gun ownership) that I’ve been thinking of emigrating. But since my dollars won’t spend there I guess I’d better brush up on my español, head back to Bogota.

  9. Ann says:

    Can I ask a man why men announce their big finale during sex? Is it a warning, a celebration or am I totally missing the point?

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