Be Careful What You Search For


Have you ever decided to find something that you can’t find? When this condition becomes extreme, I think it’s a disorder, but I forgot what it’s called. If you look in the same drawer three times in a row, it may then be OCD, but I’m going to call it “desperate.”

I spent nearly an hour looking for something that should have been where it used to be, but now it’s gone. I may have hidden it so cleverly that I’ll never find it. Someone will eventually find it when I’m dead. I hope they’ll find a way to   send a message to me just to solve the mystery.

While I was looking, I did come across my copy of Lady Athlete, a tawdry old bodybuilding magazine in which I appeared as one half of “Sisters in Iron.”   My sister and I lifted weights together at the old Gold’s Gym, where we were a constant annoyance to everyone except the owner, who named us Morticia and Vampira.

We agreed to be in the magazine on condition that all photos were taken in the gym. We were stupid but not stupid enough to pose in bikinis for perverts. When the magazine came out, we each got a free copy. I remember laughing until we cried at the demented text, which was full of lies and described us approaching the weights like “animals stalking their prey.”   They also described us as moving together “like a well-oiled machine,” which was funny because we argued continuously.

So I found the magazine and wondered if it still existed.   A Google search took me straight here to ebay, where some guy happens to have one copy of my issue! If only he’d show the back cover, where I’m gripping a dumbbell with a look of perfect serenity on my face.

Anyone wishing to blackmail me can buy this magazine for only $21.25!

Still feeling annoyed and unfulfilled, I tried to find comfort in sanctimonious rage over at Dan Savage‘s blog. I knew he’d be furious about something. While there, I read a letter that took me here, to AVEN, the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network.

As it turns out, there’s a whole new world of human rights we haven’t even worried about! Asexual people don’t want to be marginalized, godammit! Just because they don’t want sex, they are just as god made them and deserve whatever it is they want.

I know you’re all feeling the same as me: More sex for the rest of us! Who would knock it?! Listening to the Dresden Dolls while I type this, I think I would like to have sex with both of them, as a gesture of support for AVEN.


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9 Responses to Be Careful What You Search For

  1. WendyB says:

    Yeah, you always struck me a well-oiled. Now I know why.

  2. What a tease! Sister, you must post photos of yourself with the barbell. I can’t afford the magazine.

  3. JK says:

    Uhm Sister Wolf?

    I am somewhat reluctant to mention this, given what I have as a “screensaver” coupled with your “well-oiled” uh, self – but what the heck.

    Didn’t you recently hold a “closet sale?” Might you have taken the thing out of the drawer and inadvertently placed it somewhere in your closet? I only mention this so as to spare you any mental anguish should you never find whatever the fuck it was you were looking for.

    By the way, were you “Morticia” or “Vampira?”

  4. Juri says:

    Those asexuals are everywhere. Damn pervs! It won’t be long before there are positive asexual characters in every sitcom and Ang Lee makes a cowboy movie about them. Next thing you know they want to get married and adopt children. Disgusting times – the foundations of our civilization are crumbling. The Flood is coming!

    I don’t think I’ve ever owned a copy of a bodybuilding magazine. Closest thing I’ve ever gotten are the random copies of Men’s Health I usually get at the airport once a year or so. They make good airplane reading, and give the stewardesses and whoever is sitting next to me, the impression that I’m a healthy person. Content-wise it’s like reading the same issue all over again. It’s impressive how they manage to sell the same stories with slightly different pics, month after month. The only thing that changes is the shirtless guy in the cover, which probably is the only thing that matters.

    But the language is hilarious, and they give some useful advices about warming up before “hitting the weights”, reveal the latest magic moves that makes your muscles recover 2% faster and answer made-up reader questions like “how do I get her to leave after sex without hurting her feelings?” Of course, the asexual pervs don’t have that problem.

    I just remembered I haven’t gotten my 2009 copy yet. And I also realized I’ve never read a women’s bodybuilding magazine. Maybe I should expand my horizons this year and get your copy. $21.25 plus shipping doesn’t sound that bad. I could probably earn it back by printing t-shirts of you and your dumbbell.

  5. Aja says:

    That Dresden Dolls photo is hot, hot, hot.

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    WendyB – You should have asked.

    Iheartfashion – I don’t have a scanner! Just close your eyes and picture it!

    JK – I was Morticia. And I still can’t find it!

    Juri – Hahahahhahahha! I am so fucking smitten!

    Aja -YES. They’d be the perfect date, wouldn’t they?

  7. Mark says:

    Wait a second here! You HAVE the copy of ‘Lady Athlete” but you won’t scan the photo???? That’s just plain cruel, Sister Wolf. Cruel.

  8. hammie says:

    You are a goddess! I love that you were in a body building magazine almost as much as the fact you worked out while bitching with your sister at Gold’s.

    Trying to think of the only time I saw a body building mag…… ah yes. Imelda Mike’s big brother worked out, and for some reason Imelda Mike and I got hold of the magazines, to “taunt” all the buffed boys… hmmmmm…..

  9. You got great honest points here.. I done a search on the issue and learnt most peoples will agree with your blog......

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