Becoming a Man

chas-bono

I was surprised to hear that Chastity Bono is changing her gender. It’s hard for me to give up   the idea that Chastity was just trying to get even with her mom.   It’s harder and harder to link behavior to psychology.   Now we attribute everything to genetics.   Good luck, Chaz!

Today I was telling a friend how an old Pearl Jam video aroused my lust for the young Eddie Vedder.   If only he would fuck my fucking brains out! She knew exactly what I meant. We wondered if men feel like this 100 times a day. Isn’t that what “studies” say?

I wish I could be a man for a couple of hours, just to know what it’s like. Here’s how I imagine it.

~

Okay, wow, I’m a guy! This is so weird. Where’s my dick? Is it okay? Is it really okay? Is it big enough? I hope so. I hope it’s bigger than every other dick, or at least not smaller.

Oooh, there’s a chick. Look at those boobs! And she’s got a vagina! I wonder what it looks like! They’re all different, like snowflakes. I have to see as many as possible. How can I get access to that one?

Never mind, there goes another chick. Ugh, no thanks. I hate the fat ones. Take it away!

Hm, that guy has a nicer car. I hope my dick is bigger than his. Is my dick okay? Is it protected from everything? I wish I could feel it right now.

Oh now, my girlfriend is texting me. Why do they always need to talk? Why do I have to listen and comment on every little thing that pops into her head! Christ. This is torture. I just want to go back to what I was doing, but she needs to “communicate.”

I wonder what the score is? I wish I knew which team is ahead. Is there another guy around somewhere? He’ll know. Man, those Lakers! What a game. Too bad the season’s over, though. Wait. Is my dick okay?

I think I’ll listen to some Clapton. Or maybe Coltrane. Boy, another beer would be great. Is my dick okay? I hope so. How can I get a blowjob? I’d give anything….On no. It’s the girlfriend and she wants to talk. She’s ruining the Clapton solo.   Damn her. I hope this will end in a blowjob. Is my dick okay?

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29 Responses to Becoming a Man

  1. dewayne says:

    i don’t think i could function if that was how i actually thought. i’d spend too much time laughing uncontrollably at myself. is my dick okay, indeed. i kinda do want a blowjob though. you got atleast that much right.

    p.s. sports are boring, unless there is bloodshed. or explosions.

  2. dust says:

    ignorance is bliss…

  3. dawny says:

    godammit your funny 🙂

  4. sam says:

    dewayne, I wonder if you are related to my husband?…
    I love this post sister, you’re funny as fuck! :o)

  5. Ann says:

    THANK YOU for joining me with your lust for the late 80s/early 90s Eddie Vedder, before he became mired in politics and tried unsuccessfully to get Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn back together! Eh, who am I kidding. I still want him to fuck my fucking brains out. I bet HIS dick is okay!

  6. Jill says:

    You’ve been interviewing my husband, haven’t you?!

  7. Juri says:

    Spot-on! I absolutely recognize myself, except that long guitar solos bore me to death and I consider watching sports waste of time. Last time I tried to watch football I couldn’t help thinking that the 2×45 minutes could have been used much better on meditating on my dick and tending to its well-being.

  8. Rudy Zarsov says:

    You are pretty spot on except for all the worrying if my dick is all right. The only thing I worry about with my dick is when I will get to use it next.

  9. JK says:

    Well Sister Wolf, now that you are imagining yourself with a dick, you’ve got me feeling all terrible and all for you. While I can’t promise you mine’s the biggest, I can tell you it’s an enthusiastic dick. Enthusiastic enough that I’d share it with ya.

  10. Deni says:

    Your post is better than my morning coffee! It made me laugh out loud! I’m so glad I don’t have a dick to worry about every, what is it, 8 out of 10 minutes per day.

  11. Bex says:

    I think that’s how Cristiano Ronaldo thinks. Oh that Eddie Vedder. Although I prefer the nerdy stylings of his guitarist, Stone Gossard. Hilarious post!

  12. Dexter VanDango says:

    Mock not the phallus

    Proud staff of life

    Friend to the maiden

    Foe to the wife

    Portable solace

    Inciter of strife

    The bridge between genders

    But rarely works twice

    Noble propagator

    Generator of vice

    Pee pipe and tube steak

    Cornucopia of delights

    Intrusive and demanding

    But occasionally feels nice

    (But hardly a substitute ..for your bedside device)

    Vixens.. Salute your creator!

    ..Are worship and adoration too much to ask once a month or so?

  13. dewayne says:

    hahahahahaahaaaa! “mock not the phallus” sounds biblical…like a commandment, even.

  14. Sister Wolf says:

    dewayne – I hope you got one. (ps I used to like baseball…but that was then.)

    dust – Probably.

    dawny – xo

    sam – dewayne is a ball of molten rage.

    Ann – HAHAHAHA!

    Jill – I wish.

    Juri – You are what we call Man 2.0 !

    WendyB – !!!

    Rudy – Same same but different.

    JK – Everyone likes enthusiasm!

    Deni – I’m too busy worrying about my hair.

    Bex- Eddie! Eddie! Can he hear me?

    Dexter- Not mocking….sympathizing!

    dewayne – hahahhaa! it does. I don’t believe in commandments, though.

  15. Dena says:

    LMAO that is brilliant!

    I’m assuming the penile checks are accompanied by manual shifting & checking also for full authenticity.

  16. Swineshead says:

    Scarily accurate, as it happens. Sexist, but accurate – thus canceling out the sexism.

  17. slimeylimey says:

    Sister Wolf you are divine. men do think like that, but some men think more about the vagina, the creamy quim, than the dick. And how the dick will fit. That’s the trick, that’s where the mundane meets the most holy. The slippery host. To paraphrase Johnny Cochran, “If the slit fits, you must deeply dip.” Worship your worship.

  18. Genitals are the reason we are all here.

    Yet we are an ungrateful bunch and show little reverence. For when angered we hiss, “You prick..” or “You cunt!”

    (No one ever screams “You pancreas” or “You spleen.. you isles of langerhans.”)

    Instead of being sexists we are organists.

    Is that your prefrontal lobe.. or are you just glad to see me?

  19. Jill says:

    Dexter is way cool!

  20. Deni says:

    Dexter is way too cool. Now, I will rant, “You descending colon!” or perhaps “You stinking corpos callosum!” What about, “Go epinephrine yourself”?

  21. dewayne says:

    i don’t believe in commandments either, but that would certainly fit right in with the other kids.

    i hope i got one as well, because if it happened, i don’t remember…and i haven’t drank at all since then. alien abduction oral?

    yes, please!

  22. JK says:

    Mind, I’m not too enthusiastic about any additional Commandments either but I suppose maybe some Baptists are:

    http://bpnews.net/BPnews.asp?ID=30700

    How would one phrase it? “The 11th is – Down on thine knees and worship.”

    I’m no authority on this of course, this came from the Baptists. I’m Presbyterian.

  23. Sister Wolf says:

    Dena – I share this assumption.

    Swineshead – Oh, I forgot to mention that I’m sexist!

    slimeylimey – Could we call it a “minge” or “fanny?”

    Dexter – We use those words because they represent things that are imbued with power and mystery…terror, desire, guilt, ecstasy. Pancreas just wouldn’t work.

    Jill – Watch out for him.

    Deni – Colon is a great word. I plan to use it more in everyday speech.

    dewayne- We are beaming you up now. Assume the position….

    JK- Holy Christ! What a story!

  24. JK says:

    Yes Sister, quite a story. Unfortunately (it would seem) the Baptist Press seems to have realized some sort of mistake and now the link doesn’t work. So – as a “public service:”

    http://www.arktimes.com/blogs/arkansasblog/2009/06/sex_and_the_baptists.aspx

  25. Do these pants make my dick look fat ???

    8¬}D-

  26. Sister Wolf says:

    Sardonique – Hahahahaha!

  27. Love your thoughts on what it would be like to be a man! But I kinda feel sorry for Chastity, I hope this makes her happy. (I’m having a sappy menopausal day.)
    Cheers!
    Suzanne

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