When I saw an ad on Sephora online for a “Booty Mask“, I was excited by discovering a new avenue of ridicule. Haha, I thought, how absurd, a beauty mask JUST FOR YOUR BUTT! I’m still amazed by the aisles full of weird Korean sheet masks at my local CVS. It seeks like overnight, people have become obsessed with masks. In my world, skin masks are something you do maybe every six months when you’re bored and nothing’s on TV.
Silly me! I went to laugh at the website for B-tight Booty Mask, because little did I know that butt products already comprise a whole category of creams and scrubs and masks that promise you a smaller, bigger, smoother, better smelling, tighter, and more voluminous ass.
Think about your butt and everything it has to go through every day. invest in your booty skin, Don’t leave your booty behind! 100% Safe & Effective. Increases Skin Firmness. Helps Reduce Cellulite. Tightens The Skin.
Do I really have to think about my butt more than I already do? As the daughter of a full-throated misogynist who liked to shout about random women, “Look at the fat ass on that one!” I am more than aware of my butt, and not in a good way. After 27 years of marriage, I still try to walk out of the room backward if I’m undressed. I couldn’t put into words what the flaw is; I just know that my butt’s very existence is an offense of some kind.
And yet I am not prepared to buy any butt products. The language employed to describe these products is itself a crime against humanity. Here’s part of a review on Refinery29:
To my surprise, mirrors weren’t necessary — although I did literally “look back at it” twice while lying on my stomach just to make sure my entire bum was covered, adding more product as needed. Once satisfied with the pink-tinted mounds behind me, I did as instructed and scrolled Instagram for 20 minutes while it hardened.
“Pink-tinted mounds”?! SOMEONE NEEDS TO DIE.
Then there’s the actual names of the products, like “Tush” (“plumping and lifting infusers for the tush,” $175) and even worse, “That booty tho.” How could anyone name a product that, unless they’re trying to kill me personally?? I guess I should be grateful they didn’t go with “Dat”.
Who’d like to try a Bamboo Charcoal Butt Cheek Mask? This one you use after the Butt Cheek Cleanser, and it offers:
the added benefit of brightening age spots, sun spots and hyper-pigmentation. Ingredients include MSM and Vitamin C, which make the complexion look clearer and more radiant with each use.
Your butt has a complexion that needs to be radiant?? Is there enough time in the day to beautify every body part? I know there’s an overnight mask for your feet that promises to give you smooth, baby-soft feet. Maybe wee all need to be babies again. Soft and new, devoid of pores and age-spots, spitting up milk but still preferable to something that’s been around for awhile, accumulating age spots.
But wait, I just found Rump Bottom Rub by Lush, and the comments almost make it all worthwhile!
Ladies and other people with butts, are you ready to invest in the dream of a bigger, smaller, tighter, more radiant ass? Until they make one with my father’s voice screaming out of his car window, I am abstaining.
But Sister Wolf,
There’s butts generally and then there’s “butt clapping” hasn’t California discovered the sport yet? Sure to be in the Olympics next LA gets the games next and, where there’s a question over whether males ‘self identify’ and take all the girl’s medals away there is the one sport girls’s are certain to never lose their advantage:
http://itaintholywater.blogspot.com/2019/04/always-clap-to-show-your-appreciation.html
Oh dear.
LOL Loved this! I, too, am waiting for the one with your father’s voice screaming out of his car window. XO
Dear Sister Wolf, when we met briefly in London I forgot to mention that I love and adore you – perhaps because my wife was present! Even so, when I watch the antics of the ‘stoopids’ with whom I share ‘this septic Isle’ it is an enormous comfort to know that there are bigger and better ‘stoopids’ out there and that I can rely on you to find them and display them. I grovel, Ma’am, I grovel!
Mind you, I worry about ‘JK’! Where does he conduct his, er, ‘research’?
God almighty.
But I can’t believe nobody came up with the name AssMassk, that we know of. And it really worries me that I thought about it long enough to come up with it.
An ass growing smaller and more voluminous sounds really sinister, like it might collapse into a supermassive black hole or something. I’m going to stick with my big, bigger, rougher, low-mass, more sullen ass.
“Pink-tinted mounds” is an abomination but selling bullshit nostrums in jars is the only thing keeping trade afloat ever since the collapse of the ringtone economy. Looking forward to tubs of expired margarine rebranded as “I Can’t Believe It’s Not That Booty Tho.”
JK – I can’t tell you how how disturbed I was by that video. And yet I’ve watched it more than once.
Miranda – Hahaha xo
David Duff – Our love is a well-kept secret. I’m concerned about Jk, too.
Bevitron – OR: YassMassk! It feels like the end of the world, doesn’t it, and yet it keeps going on.
Romeo – An abomination, yes. Do they mention it in the bible? I hope so.
I don’t know what to say about this. I guess if people are wearing ‘denim panties’ they may want to get a J-Lo glow on their butt cheeks. If you’re putting it all out there, best to keep it fresh.
This is beyond ghastly.
Just no. Between getting arthritis under control, buying meds on time, trying to eat sensibly, doing ten minutes if whatever exercise a day, figuring out which spf I need to use, avoiding a stroke every time I hear Trump bloviating in front of the helicopter, when would I have time for the butt scrub/tone/ mask routine? Least of my worries.
here’s another “just kill me already” if you haven’t seen it – labeled a “gamine” lace-up miniskirt https://www.net-aporter.com/us/en/product/1155484/orseund_iris/gamine-lace-up-cotton-twill-mini-skirt