Chick Talk

Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman, but sometimes it’s great. If only Tammy Wynette could have been with me today at my rehab group.

The other day, a good friend told me why she’d never pursued a relationship with a guy she called The Twenty-eight Year Old. It’s because he said to her, “Dude, that was a great blowjob!”

Hearing this quote, I wanted to cry in despair for my poor friend. What an awful thing to hear! How stupid, how classless, how deeply unromantic. What a fucking douche bag! I was traumatized on her behalf. We laughed about it, but still. When I told this story to another friend, she was even more traumatized. She looked as though she planned to enter a convent as she left my house.

Today, I shared this with the women in rehab, who are mostly in their twenties. I was amazed by their blank faces as I repeated the offending quote. One girl said, “I would’ve just said “Thanks, dude!” The others laughed. I realized that my two friends are in their thirties and forties. It’s a generation thing!

“Dude, that was a great blowjob!” is a nice complement in the year of our lord 2008. Who the fuck knew! For all I know, a blowjob is like a handshake in today’s market.   I have a lot to learn from the girls in rehab.

Then the subject turned to tampons and pierced tongues and labia cosmetic surgery. A room full of women trading quips on these topics is the happiest place on earth! Our differences fall away when it comes down to being a woman, all of us aspiring to give a great blowjob (so to speak) and be rewarded accordingly. It’s a chick thing. The feeling of solidarity is primal and exhilarating.

I described the group to my friend in her forties, and she shared my sense of enlightenment on the Dude issue, but commented   resolutely, “It’ll be a long time before I administer another blowjob, I can tell you that.”

Dude, I don’t even blame her. Ho’s before Bro’s, as far as I’m concerned.