My cyber-friend and adopted daughter Annemarie has generously pointed me to a treasure trove of pretentious fashion gibberish that reads like a buzzword generator.
In fact, the high-end shopping site Ssense has just launched such a generator and it’s fun to play with. It needs more variables to be top-notch but I like to see a designer fashion site with an actual sense of humor.
The site Annemarie recommended has zero awareness of it’s over-the-top pompousness, and that is its gift to us. Here is Lagarconne‘s tumbler blog expounding on a pair of frumpy black dresses:
With a quirky disposition linked to techie dressing, the mock neck is noted for its scientific past, yet finds new function as a clever tool in the construction of occasionwear. Elegantly revisited, the detail lends analytical air to ultra-sleek fabrics, taking modernity back a step with skilled wit. When cut in silk or satin, the style adds bookish refinement, creating streamlined classics by way of cerebral calculation. From Marni, the neckline gives engineered structure to fluid stretch silk, while The Row further exemplifies the neckline’s transformative powers,lending academic grounding to surfer-influenced attire. From cubicle to catwalk, the mock neck makes new headway as a fool-proof formula for optimum sophistication.
Jesus Christ, right? What are they on over there?
Here’s the prose inspired by a grey sweatshirt and baggy cropped pants:
Baggier shirts and widened trousers often instill an unconscious urge for slimmer pairings. Japanese label, Blue Blue Japan, breaks this habit in considered refusal of the customary approach. By pairing the classic crewneck sweatshirt with cropped culottes in signature indigo denim, an effortless balance arises. In a duplicated slack, each item mirrors the other. Nipped only slightly at the hips, a band of knit ribbing adds no constriction, simply linking the unfettered forms.
‘Considered refusal‘ is killing me. I’m even impressed by ‘slimmer parings.’
I sort of want to master this language, particularly as there are no discernible rules except to string along descriptive words with terms from random academic disciplines like philosophy, architecture and engineering.
So far, I suck at it. I feel like I have no aptitude for it but I’ve been listening to that maniac Joel Osteen on the radio, who insists that a positive attitude is all you need to make your dreams come true, like having a baby when you’re sterile or sending your wife’s cancer into remission.
Never mind about him. Let’s have fun.
Here’s an unremarkable, dowdy-looking pair of shoes from La Garconne. They are priced at $685 but don’t let that determine your reaction. The goal is to create a flowing description that leaves the potential shopper feeling daunted, mystified, slightly shamed but filled with avarice.
I’ll be working on my caption but let’s see yours!
The winner will be will be selected by votes, and the prize will be something either stupid or good, whichever seems most appropriate.
Hark…the grey dust, the ache and turmoil of the Oakies..the traveling American gypsy folk…troubled, brave, hungry..leather with beat down pathos with the quiet quest of….of what? The perfect flat, flat as the Oklahoma dust bowl… Walking, no, trudging toward the great west, the honesty of grit…scruf, the soil, the yearning..for…..
$685……..$6,000 in 1930s scratch…..
I’m reaching…just took a tramadol……xx
DJ – Hahahahaha, yes!
Reminiscent of canoes made from frightened, pale foie gras, these slippers are neither sporting nor terrifyingly delicious. They avoid the clean, angular lines associated with minimalist convention by being abstract and obtuse in a way that calls forth the line drawings of unaccomplished, angry cartoonists. There is despair in their furrowed brows, machinations from a drunken mind, a flash of violence crumples their toes; the blood of which can’t be washed away. Unfettered by sartorial hindrance, these shoes will mould with putty like aplomb to any au courant ensemble.
Ok, I tried, but my tone is off. haha.
Suspended – Hahahahahaha fuck, how can I come close to that?? My husband just heard me laughing and called out, “Are we having fun?”
Haha I almost didn’t post it because it made me feel dirty and uncomfortable. The same feelings I’d get from wearing those shoes.
There must be a new fashion equation that dictates that such mundane objects must earn their price tag in prose.
Bunch of bloody sad prosers!
It was a dark and stormy night. Wait – what do you mean suspended?
I actually like those shoes, but at no more than $50.
This would hurt so much…they look like something out a medieval peasant would wear unwillingly. How do you keep a sense of humour about all of this????????
In their duplicated flaccidness and subversive hue, reminiscent of frozen turkey thighs, this pair of noble hags raise unsettling existential questions, insist on the ineffable relevance of gray matter, and thumb the toes of the merely desperate fuck me shoe.
annemarie – Hahahahahhahahaa, hahahaaha
AK – Haha! You’d actually spend fifty bucks??
betty – I’ll just quote Oscar Wilde : “One must have a heart of stone to read the death of little Nell without laughing.”
A witty comment on doctrinaire notions of femininity, these deceptively clumsy revisionist ballet slippers are also a sly reference to the tragedy of elephants, borrowing their color and heft but grounding the metaphor with a flat sole and dung-tipped rounded toe, at once charming and grotesque, neutral but unmistakably aggressive at their price-point.
These duck-billed, Quikrete grey scuffs are the consummate wink to the world that you are officially done. Pair these with a plastic bottle of Popov vodka to extinguish any lingering doubts of your status.
More please, this is great!
These oh-so-demure petit-fours murmur cinematic tones of heroic mobsters mortaring appendages into twinned overshoes and rendering existence extinct. For a lifestyle without life,allow your feet to slip gently into that good night, and dance all night with the Unbearable Heaviness of Being.
Suzannne – Hahahahahahaaha!!
Lynn – Hahahahahhahahaha, a million time better than anything I could do, you people are fucking poets
Historically informed, bleak, and to the point, the shuffle-feel footboat – rat-gray and unironically self-aware – implies worldly varicosities, possibly (reliably curated) even imbuing a rebelliously tobacconated visage with an impeccable library pallor, such is the power of the choked, bipolar vamp and stubborn, lobotomized sole of this stiffsupple cobblery. A warped semicircular toe – reminiscent of nothing so much as an institutional drive – shrieks haunted 20th century stained linoleum. Heels refusing height demand a fishnet pairing (white, snagged) to lock down hard-won asylum stride: Karloff lurch, or manic patter.
Bevitron – Hahaahhahahahaa, are you alright??
Get a grip Bev! Sister!!
i am torn between “suspended” and “suzanne” – the first waxing so lyrically so that you can smell those two grey disappointments, the second being short and to the point…an ode to hopelessness. Good luck narrowing down your choices.
These are all hysterical and certainly made my day! Sister – maybe make it a monthly thing and the participants can take turns surprising the winner with a snarky treat;)
Carla – You may need to do the judging.
Suzanne – yes, they make my day too! My whole life, even.
!!!