The Sanskrit word upeksha means “equanimity, non-attachment, nondiscrimination, even-mindedness, or letting go.” Upa means ‘over,’ and iksh means ‘to look.’ You climb the mountain to be able to look over the whole situation, not bound by one side or the other.
In Buddhism, equanimity (in Pali, upekkha; in Sanskrit, upeksha) is one of the four great virtues (along with compassion, loving kindness, and sympathetic joy) that the Buddha taught his disciples to cultivate.
Equanimity isn’t indifference. It’s a balance that comes from inner stability–remaining centered when surrounded by turmoil. It’s a state of acceptance, but not in the sense of being resigned or defeated. More like being at peace with things as they are.
Does this sound like self help gibberish? I learned the concept from a podcast by an expert on family estrangement. It’s my first podcast! That’s how much the subject weighs on me. Being powerless in a critical aspect of your life is so fucking difficult. It can lead you into a never-ending loop of regret, guilt, anger, remorse, and despair.
I am beginning to see that the best way to approach insoluble situations is to do nothing. Not just do nothing, but to feel nothing. Nothing can be a good choice, and in my interpretation of equanimity, it is essential. Accept what is and let it wash over you. Don’t react to the feelings or urges attendant to helplessness or misery. Just go, Uh-huh, and go about your business.
Until this week, I would have called this approach “denial” and I would lobby hard against it. What’s more pathetic than denial? I am constantly pointing it out and deploring it. It’s part of my Just Admit It worldview. Everyone hates me for this bossy, superior stance but there you go. I want everyone to face their own life, even if it’s a tragedy, and to face up to their demons. I feel it’s their duty, as a human being.
But once you face up to it, why keep suffering? Recognize the truth, evaluate its awfulness, and then stop struggling with it. If you can’t change it, assume a state of equanimity. Say to yourself, My parents are awful, my kid hates me, I am useless, everyone’s crazy…and then return to a state of calm. I think if I practice this enough, it may set me free from my daily torment.
I will aim to only get mad about the things that are fun to be mad at. Bad grammar, hideous denim, and the ex-wife. Also, music awards shows. Did anyone see that stupid American Music Awards the other nigh?? Oh my god, so awful. I guess I should go write an exegesis.
Namaste or whatever.
Sister Wolf – I catch glimpses of myself being able to embody this virtue you speak of, but damn it, it’s work. I’ve spent years trying to understand my anxiety disorder, and there are three components for me: calming the body, refraining from ruminations about the past, and recognizing that I can’t change jack shit. It’s not defeat, it’s the only way to survive. Life is mostly awful. It’s a constant battle to learn to surf the waves. Every person I speak to that seems to weather these storms and “move on” has some lame-ass, half-true narrative to explain things. I get why people are drawn to organized religion for this reason, though I don’t think I’m ever getting on that train. Thanks for all of your posts – you are the BEST!
Lindsay – Those three components are the ticket! No religion for us, too late for that I’m guessing. Maybe the struggle is the point, like Sisyphus. Let’s just stay in the game just to show how persistent we are! And thank you so much for liking my stuff xoxo
Thank you for this, uncanny in its fitting to where I find myself after so much feels stripped away. Is it the same as acceptance? Not quite, that feels more passive and yet connected.