Golden Globes 2009 Exegesis

If you missed the Golden Globes Awards, you didn’t miss much, but here are the highlights:

Nicole Kidman wanted to show off her nipples. Why, I have no idea. She appears to have lost her mind or her bathroom mirror. Remember when she dazzled us with her fashion choices at the Academy Awards? Maybe Tom Cruise was her stylist!

Monique gave a fabulous acceptance speech that made me want to be a big Black woman. She totally rules. Did you know she does stand up comedy for woman in prison? God bless Monique.

James Cameron was King of the World again, and gave a cliche-ridden speech that fooled no one. The man is a fucking cunt, and that’s that. I don’t know how Kathryn Bigelow keeps herself from killing him.

Colin Farrell was yumminess incarnate. Daniel Day Lewis looked good, too, and so did Robert Downey Jr. Jeff Bridges has morphed into Kris Kristofferson, and Somebody Reitman looked angry all night, except for when he won something.

Chloe Sevigny was punished for wearing a ridiculous see-through dress when someone stepped on her train and ripped it! What a moment! She managed to recover after a flash of rage, but it would have been classier if she’s ripped the rest of the dress before accepting her award.

What else? Jodie Foster looked so hot, you could hear the crowd gasp in surprise. Meryl Streep brought tears to everyone’s eyes when she talked about loss and gratitude. Jennifer Aniston nearly flashed her Female Area, and her nose seemed smaller than ever.

Jessica Lange displayed her tragic facelift, while Harrison Ford had trouble moving his face. Everyone wore conspicuous little ribbons signifying Support For Haiti, which were nicely set off by the emeralds and diamonds. Ricky Gervais was a saving grace, telling the audience: “Speaking of plastic surgery, I’ve had a penis reduction. Now I have just the one.”

Did I forget anything?

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26 Responses to Golden Globes 2009 Exegesis

  1. WCGB says:

    Bingo! I had so many of the same reactions! Chloe’s flash of rage was rather refreshing in its blatant immaturity. Like she bought the dress! Like she’s ever going to wear it again! Besides, if you’re going to be The Girl With the Train, then either mind your caboose or don’t mind when it gets ripped.

    Cameron Diaz didn’t look as bad as she usually does at these things. Gervais’ small penis in small hand joke was good too. Finally, lots of people were drinking, but the tv gods gave us Morgan Freeman with the red wine slug shut. Can’t a black man get a break?

  2. Susan says:

    So pleased I missed this!

  3. arline says:

    I missed it too, and am also pleased.

    I like Meryl Streep though, and glad she is humble and shared her gratitude.

  4. deja pseu says:

    I missed this but your recap is even better. Can Kidman move her face *at all* at this point?

  5. Ann says:

    This is a wonderful exegesis, as per. I hate James Cameron with a wrath that is usually reserved for murderers and child molesters. Meryl Streep is lovely and they will be writing parts for her when she is in her 90s. And no, Nicole Kidman is incapable of expressing any emotion whatsoever at this point.

  6. Jenny Dunville says:

    I saw only Cameron’s acceptance & noted all audience members frowning & that, none would clap when Cameron requested it. How marvelous. Sour celebs! As for the visible nipples – did this in the seventies – show me something new. I too, lov Streep, Downey & Gervais.

  7. April says:

    how about the sheer TERROR i experienced when giant Cher and tiny Xtina walked out together?!

  8. andrea says:

    You forgot Cameron Diaz- what happened to her face? It looked a little “off”. I think that her doctor injected a little to much filler into her cheeks. Or Botox, or something. Something wasn’t right with her face. How come no one else nocticed that? Kate Hudson’s mom Goldie did the right thing with her when she had took her for a nose job in her teens, before she became famous. See?

  9. andrea says:

    sorry for my typo I meant she took her for a nose job, not had took.

  10. andrea says:

    And also, I stopped showing my nipples (I only wear a bra if I am wearing something transparent) when I became someone’s mother. Shame on you Nicole.

  11. Your version saved me from watching the replays on E!. Saw Jodie Foster photo in the Telegraph and she is hot!

  12. enna. says:

    Quentin Tarantino was robbed. Jodie Foster looked amazing. And T-Bone Streep was excellent, as always.

  13. honeypants says:

    I am trying to find a pic of Jodie and I can’t! I saw 85% of the Globes, but I must have missed her. I hate both Camerons and Chloe & her tantrum and the stupid New Moon Werewolf guy. Daniel Day Lewis clearly bathes in the blood of virgins. And Ricky Gervais’ irreverence was fantastic. Poor Michael C. Hall and his Hodgkins Lymphoma. Thank god John Lithgow won for his role on Dexter. And I love Toni Collette, but I didn’t like her tan old Jewish lady looks. There was definitely WAY too much botox, and Paul McCartney really could have used some of it!

  14. Juri says:

    Today is supposed to be “the most depressing day of the year” but I couldn’t be happier, knowing that Sir Paul McWrinkles did not get the prize for some song he had written. I missed the show, which is fine, but I wish I could have seen a close up of his face when the winner was announced. It must have taken a while for him to stop his jowls from trembling and assume a happy-for-you face.

  15. Monique’s was the best speech; Robert Downey is hotter than ever and Daniel Day Lewis is always exquisite. Mickey Rourke is truly terrifying and the Russian model accompanying him seemed to realize it despite the language barrier.
    Loved Gervais’ Mel Gibson joke.
    James Cameron is obviously hateful. Hurt Locker was robbed!

  16. TheShoeGirl says:

    Well now I’m glad I didn’t see it. I doubt it’d give your recap justice. đŸ˜‰

  17. Faux Fuchsia says:

    I feel that Nicole needs to lay off the botox and fillers and go in Hardcore with some Carbs.
    I recently road tested Tom Cruise’s recipe for pasta carbonara that he whipped up on Oprah (and I blogged about it. With a PHOTO). If she ate a lot of this she’d look less skeletal.
    The mature age ladies at the Globes ROCKED- Sophia Loren, Meryl, Sigourney, Helen Mirren…and their faces were capable of what could only be described as Mobility of Facial Expression.
    Wolf Sister, I hope you don’t mind but I am putting you on my blogroll. Where you and Judy Aldridge (Mom of Shoes) will happily co-exist as part of one cohesive Blog Roll Family.
    Don’t make me be all Sophie’s Choice and choose- I Love you both.
    FF xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  18. Lauren says:

    Amanda Palmer didn’t just play dead, she actually changed into her dress and out of her underwear on the red carpet. What a showman.

  19. Jill says:

    I wish MoNique would shave her legs.

  20. Deni says:

    Damn, I missed the GGA (purposefully); however, I would have watched had I known Amanda Fucking Palmer was changing her underwear on the red carpet and playing possum.

  21. Deni says:

    P.S. Avatar sucked! It’s the Smurf movie for adults. Am I the only one that thought the acting was atrocious (not including Sigourney), and the story line was derivative at its best, and predictable all the way through? Is this the best 300 million can buy?

  22. boops says:

    for me, on the whole, the men outdid the women this year. i’m just so over the plastic surgery thing for criminy’s sake. i will no longer be self conscious about my looks because, after all, they are actually mine.

  23. Julia says:

    I’m sure you’ll appreciate my, uh, vitriol here, but just to be clear, I didn’t say YOU in particular were being vitriolic, I said there was vitriol at your site. In the comments. In regard to Mom if Shoes. I’ve always found you yourself to be quite funny and very often right. And I wasn’t passing judgement on your site– was just saying the emotional comments MOD elicits are interesting. That’s all. I, like everyone else, enjoy reading angry weird comments and often stay up late into the night doing just this.

    Oh wait, that wasn’t vitriolic at all. I’m middle class–I guess have a difficult time mustering much feeling for anything that’s not directly related to Jersey Shore and/or Target. My deal is that I don’t know how I feel. Ever.

    All in fun, I thought?

  24. Julia says:

    I meant MOS–Mom of Shoes. Yes.

  25. hammie says:

    I’ve said it before but Nicole Kidman is the only celebrity who actually looks like her Madame Tussaud’s Waxwork. We are the same age. Feck. xx

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