Golden Globes 2011 Exegesis

Here’s your icon of minimalist beauty, happy now? I just want to get the Tilda Swinton thing out of the way. You all love her, you love her awful style, you love her offbeat lifestyle, if you’re gay, you fucking adore her.   You loved her awful skirt and shirt outfit at the Golden Globes! I thought it was predictably dowdy and her hair was a disturbing   homage to Gumby.

Okay, I will be brief:

Ricky Gervaise was fearlessly funny, the best element of a very dull event. Angelina Jolie was stunning in emerald green, with a waxwork expressionless face. Claire Dane went out of her way to flaunt her flat chest, as always, and Nicole Kidman wore a weird duckface mask. Natalie Portman looked dumpy, Jane Fonda looked scrawny and sounded nuts. Sandra Bullock wore fake black bangs that didn’t match the rest of her hair and Scarlett Johansson can’t figure out how to leave well enough alone: Her tragic haircut and nothing colored dress made it hard to remember that she is a babe. Olivia Wilde, whoever she is, wore a gorgeous sparkly gown by Marchessa.

Helena Bonham Carter looked icily furious when she didn’t win, either too drunk or too pissed off to fake a smile.

Here are the men I would have sex with, besides the obvious frontrunner Johnny Depp:   Robery Downey Junior, Ryan Gosling, Colin Firth, and Christian Bale.

What important details did I forget to mention?

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49 Responses to Golden Globes 2011 Exegesis

  1. Dru says:

    Natalie Portman is pregnant, Sister- looking dumpy is probably unavoidable, in that state (that giant silly flower between her boobs, though? I wish she’d left that at home). I didn’t mind Tilda’s clothes, but her daft pink shoes with that yellow hurt my eyes. And she looks better redheaded, I must say.

    On my scale of things I liked: the giant daft daisies on Michelle Williams’s dress- it’s proper go crazy or go home. And the fact that the 14-year-old nominee was dressed age-appropriately. Oh, and Colin Firth.

  2. MelanieHick says:

    You’re so right. This was a blergh choice by Tilda, who I love, incidentally.

  3. queenzelda says:

    hah – She does look like Gumby.

    Olivia Wilde had the most fabulous pair of gold shoes on under that dress.

  4. elle says:

    Megan Fox unveiled her new look, “wax-copy of wax-Jolie”. She’s also quite a bit more…. angular looking than normal.

  5. annemarie says:

    Michelle William’s dress was drop-dead hideous. I can’t believe she was let out wearing it. I even showed it to the husband who thinks clothes are just for covering nudity and he said, “oh my God.”

  6. annemarie says:

    Scarlett Johannson: In the pic I saw of her, she looked beautiful, like she stepped out of a renaissance painting.

  7. Never liked Tilda, don’t know why just don’t – good actress though.
    Love you summing up – makes me wished I’d watched it but I couldn’t be bothered.

  8. I meant ‘your’ my typing is appalling!

  9. Cybill says:

    It’s just all too self-serving for my liking. It also appalls me that the highest paid people in our society are the people we pay to entertain us.
    On the other hand I do love the frocks, particularly the shit ones. I did think that Catherine Zeta-Jones’s dress was fantastic.

  10. Esme Green says:

    ah, Ricky Gervais. My hero.

  11. Witch Moma says:

    I have always had a thing for Robert Downey Jr.

  12. andrea says:

    Loved Ricky Gervais’ joke about the Scientologists who are gay. Could that have been a reference to Tom Cruise and John Travolta (haha)?

  13. Iron Chic says:

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and say I would totally bang Steve Buscemi. I blame Boardwalk Empire!!!

  14. liz says:

    ah Robert Downey Jr. and Gary Oldham. Perfect threesome.

    I love Michelle Williams, but hated hated hated that dress.

  15. Chandra says:

    Tilda looks like a hairless cat (Friends Season 5 when Rachel brings home her $1,000 show cat that freaks out the entire gang).

  16. Ann says:

    I never watch a moment of those shows because I have you!

    I am with you on the Robert Downey Jr bandwagon, and I also don’t get the Tilda Swinton fascination.

  17. Aja says:

    Angelina Jolie looked like a corpse that stepped off the set of Dynasty. it was a disaster. And yes, I do love Tilda Swinton. I thought she and Claire Danes looked the best out of anyone.

  18. WendyB says:

    Oh, I think you covered it all!

    Except that I would like to own Anne Hathaway’s gown.

    And, like Aja, I thought Angelina’s dress looked like it was from Dynasty’s wardrobe and was worn without the necessary humor to make a Dynasty dress appealing. It was all so serious. Don’t know what people loved about that dress.

  19. Tricia says:

    Tilda!! I loved what she wore. And I was waiting for Natalie to burst into pregnancy hormone tears during her acceptance speech, no such luck. I tuned in after the Jets game and found the whole thing pretty underwhelming, but I’m a Jets fan so everything was anticlimactic after beating Tom Brady.

  20. Stella Mayfair says:

    i’m with aja here. dynasty wannabe go home, or at least crack a smile with that ridiculous botoxmug of yours! and tilda looked fab, i’d give a lot to own that jil sander skirt.

  21. Jazmin says:

    Just here to point out that if I was in the room with Helena Bonham Carter, I would have frostbite. The look she gave when she didn’t win made me say damn. I will forever love that woman. She is amazing.

  22. Janet says:

    Robert Downey Jr…mmmmmmmm.

  23. E says:

    http://gofugyourself.com/golden-globes-swinton-carpet-swinton-01-2011/68th-annual-golden-globe-awards-arrivals-41

    Perfection – Tilda can do no wrong and the double whammy of Swinton and Mirren – everyone else can just go home. Also – expressive faces and people looking like they’re having a laugh – makes the rest look even more like staid waxworks in stale frocks.

  24. kt says:

    Looks like I need to check out some photos from last night! My first ever crush when I was a kid was Johnny Depp on 21 Jump Street. Since then I never really felt the same way for any male celebrity. Until Ryan Gosling showed up.

  25. Kelly says:

    Natalie Portman’s whole ensemble pissed me off. That tacky red rose and those shoes! Poor thing couldn’t even go up to get her award because she couldn’t walk in them, either that or nobody could do but stare at that red rose on her chest! STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

    Ryan Gosling….dear god…that man…..*sigh*

  26. tartandtreacly says:

    I’m not a fan of Tilda Swinton, despite my love of gingers. Everything about her screams “look at me carefully cultivating my reputation as a ~*cerebral*~ actress”, from her role selections to her lack of makeup to the Jil Sander.

    I like a little noblesse oblige in my movie stars, a shellack of glamour, a little butterfly lighting… put me on Team Old-School Ann Miller!

  27. WCGB says:

    Catherine Zeta-Jones’ dress was a wonderful color, but the style along with her hair made it look like she’d just stepped off the Zorro set.

    I’m still puzzling over Helena’s holiday-colored shoes. If she wanted our eyes to go to her feet, she won.

    My husband commented on Johnny’s gum chewing. Do you s’pose it is Nicorette?

  28. Natalie says:

    I love me some Gumby!

  29. mustownmore says:

    Couldn’t have said it better myself, but I’d bump Ryan up the list.

  30. patni says:

    Colin Firth? meh you can have him.
    Steve Buscemi has been my boy for years. There is something so hot about him.
    I would fight you, or any one for Johnny Depp or Robert Downey Junior, and Ricky Gervais can makes me laugh, so I might do him too.

    I loved Helena, there has to be one at least semi famous lady that says fuck it and lets the crazy out. I am not crazy about her style, but i love her attitude.
    I did not like the color of Angelina’s dress with her hair.
    I kind of liked natalie portmans frumpalicious gown. I love peach lingerie satin colored dresses, and there was somthing glorious about the giant flowers, tacky and symbolic of fertility and stuff..

  31. annemarie says:

    oooh, I loved Angelina’s dress! In fact, as I clicked through the pictures of the outfits (because I don’t ever actually watch it), that was the one that I said, yeah, if I was going some place, that’s the dress I’d wear. I love that it was so glamorous and sexy but covered up and slightly severe at the same time (actually, I think I have nailed my ideal “my style” in that sentence right there).
    And I don’t get the Dynasty thing, and I actually watched Dynasty so I know what I’m talking about. Crystal and Alexis did not do bottle green.

  32. Juli says:

    Love love love Colin Firth and Robert Downey Jr. Tilda is so weird it makes me feel awkward looking at her. I usually can’t stand Anne Hathaway but I thought she looked awesome. I have to disagree on Natalie Portman and Scarlet. I thought they looked gorgeous as usual.

  33. HAHAHAHA, thanks for the fabulous roundup and saving me 3(?)hours.

    xo

  34. Andra says:

    What’s wrong with George Clooney?

  35. Perucha says:

    Sister,
    I believe you were pretty accurate with all your remarks except… Scarlett Johansson???!!!! REALLY???? I always thought she was made of marshmellows… no?

  36. Mary says:

    I love that so many Americans were offended by Ricky! How funny.

  37. Sister Wolf says:

    Andra – Gay. Sorry!

  38. Sister Wolf says:

    TRicia – I’m so jealous of women who like football. It seems so…worldly?

  39. Sister Wolf says:

    annemarie – Why does Michelle Williams want to wear such awful dresses? She wore a really awful one at some other even recently.

  40. David Duff says:

    “Here are the men I would have sex with . . .”

    Ahem!

  41. Tilda’s eyes are so green. Scary.
    I don’t get why everyone’s being mean to the Portman, I think she looked stunning! Far better than some of the other pregnant ladies at the event. Agree with you about Michelle Williams though, did someone surgically remove her sense of style? She used to be so cute and stylist, now she’s like a 40 year old dressed by a 6 year old.
    PS Claire Danes.

  42. Nickie Frye says:

    Famous people. zzzz…..

  43. Jazmin says:

    Tilda Swinton’s best outfit ever was this:

    http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/02/06/arts/06devr.650.jpg

    She was fierce as hell in Constantine

  44. james says:

    Do gay people adore tilda? I thought she was slightly fierce in Haider Ackermann but never had adoration or intense appreciation. I’m not really gay-ly correct anyway, so maybe this doesn’t apply to me. 🙂

  45. mariloo says:

    sister wolf!!
    you have so right for the men!!

  46. Sister Wolf says:

    James – I should have asked you first, I need more diveristy in My Gays. xo

    David – I meant to say, “If they wore long johns.”

    mariloo – Thank you! I pride myself on this.

  47. Sister Wolf says:

    Jazmin – Is that really her? (Still don’t like it, though.)

  48. Andra says:

    Sister, you have broken my heart but I would still like to sit and look at the Clooney for a while and maybe touch body parts from time to time, casually and gently.

  49. TheShoeGirl says:

    I think there is something really cool about her look… when she doesn’t look like herself. In photo shoots and such she looks amazing but this outfit?? GROSS! There was nothing stylish about her potato sack outfit.

    Meh.

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